Choose Whom You Will Serve

Hardly a day goes by that I don't hear from or about a friend who is going through a hard time.  Sickness, death, loss of a job, financial stress, family tension, marriage breakups - the list is endless.  And in this time of worldwide pandemic, everything is especially stressful.  At times it feels like the whole world is broken.  It can be quite overwhelming.

I was thinking about this in light of some recent news, and I was praying for some dear ones in pain.  Clear as a bell, I heard the Lord reminding me that He is FOR us!  In the midst of difficult events, it can be easy to forget that.  But it's so true - He is with us and for us!  Always!

Every day, all day long, through the long, dark night - He is right by our side.  He feels our pain.  He gathers our tears.  He hears every prayer, every moan of our heart.  He tenderly holds our hand.  He sends angels to minister to us.  He is constantly at work to help us.  He loves us and cares for us.  He is so, so, so FOR us! 

He turns stumbling blocks into stepping stones to lead us on our way.

"God has a purpose in our heartaches,

The Savior knows what's best;

We learn so many precious lessons

In sorrow, trial, and test."      - Jarvis

"We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him."  Romans 8:28

"The Lord is near to all who call on Him."  Psalm 145:18

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea."  Psalm 46:1,2

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken."  Isaiah 54:10

Whatever we are going through, God is with us and FOR us!  We must never let the enemy rob us of that truth - whatever we are facing.

We have a wooden sign in our home that says "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."  It's taken from the verse in Joshua 24:15.  The photo of it is above.  We've had it for a long time, so it has hung in several places where we've lived.  Right now it's in our kitchen, so I see it every day.  

When we have workmen in our home, it's often an interesting conversation starter.  Some have said they believe the same thing.  Others have asked if it's really true - and why did we choose that.  For me it's always been a proclamation of where my heart is - it's in serving the Lord!!

The beginning of the verse actually says "choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve."  I like that because I think it is a continual, daily choice.  We have to make a fresh commitment in our hearts each day to love and serve the Lord.  The cares of life enter in.  The pressures of the world around us can erode our commitment.  Disappointment can easily undermine our choice.  Unanswered prayers can cause us to challenge the choices we made.  It's imperative that we continually CHOOSE who we are going to serve.

We can't serve anything or anyone except God Himself.  He has to be number one.  He has to be our focal point.  He has to be the one who guides us in every other decision we make.  Then we can proclaim that our household serves the Lord!

Over and over again in recent years on our unexpected journey I said to the Lord that I didn't understand, but I chose afresh to love and serve Him.  There's something about making that conscious choice that releases strength to persevere.  Every time I made that choice, I sensed fresh releases of His grace.  He carried me through.

"Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, O Lord.  They rejoice in your name all day long; they exult in your righteousness."  Psalm 89:15,16

"I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:38,39

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him!"  Psalm 34:8

"My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth, He will not let your foot slip - He who watches over you will not slumber."  Psalm 121:2,3

My earliest memories are of talking to the Lord.  I must have been about 3 or 4 years old.  It's been a wild life of adventure in serving Him, but I wouldn't want anything else.  I'm 73 years old now, and my "household" is only me - but I choose once again to serve Him.....all the days of my life.  He is worthy!

From His Heart to Mine

The last few days have felt a bit like a roller coaster.  I was relieved at getting good news from my doctors after some tests and check-ups.  I'm so grateful for the warmer spring days after our cold winter.  I've had some days with good energy levels, so I've been able to accomplish some things.  And then - wham!  Out of nowhere I had an intense wave of grief hit me!  There was nothing to precipitate it, it just hit from one minute to the next.

I'm learning a lot about grief.  What happened to me this week is considered "normal."  Grief is unpredictable.  There is no right or wrong way to experience and walk through grief.  It can hit at any time.  It may go away in weeks, months, or years.  There's no set time table.  It's not just about death.  There can be grief over the loss of many things in life - marriage, health, job, financial security, friendship, dreams, a home, a beloved pet - the list goes on and on.  Any loss in our lives can bring grief.

Grief is not something to be ashamed of.  It's part of life.  If we don't grieve for things we've lost, it can actually be destructive.  If we've lost something significant in our lives, then there will be significant grief.  That's okay.  Healing from grief takes time, but with God's help - we'll get to the other side.  There is no typical response to grief because we're all unique individuals.  We just need to walk through it, holding onto God's comforting hand.

I was thinking this week as the wave of grief hit me of the verse "Jesus wept."  (John 11:35)  Jesus knew He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, and yet He wept.  I think perhaps the significance of that is that He wanted to show us that sorrow needs to be felt.  It's okay - important even.  Grief needs to be expressed.  As the wave of grief hit me this week, I had to stop and weep......just as Jesus did.  I had to allow my heart to feel and experience the grief.

I am sure this will continue to happen.  I wish there was a warning bell to alert me that it's coming, but that doesn't happen.  Thankfully the Lord wraps me in His sweet presence and takes me through it.  I loved my gentle giant deeply for over 54 years.  I'm now grieving deeply that he is no longer by my side.  Each time the wave of grief comes, it brings a bit of healing with it.  I'm grateful for that.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.....a time to weep, a time to mourn."  Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."  Psalm 34:18

"Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows."  Isaiah 53:4

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."  Matthew 5:4

I grieve because I lost something (someone) very precious.  In the midst of my grief, I can't help but be thankful for the wonderful life, love, and friendship I had with Floyd.  I'm so grateful for all our years together.  God has been good to me!

One of the things I love about the Lord is how incredibly personal He is.  Billions of people on the earth.  He loves and cares about them all.  But He sees us and responds to us individually.  It continually amazes me.

On a recent day when some things were weighing on my heart, I was doing my daily prayer walking on our deck.  It was an overcast day with just a faint mist in the air.  As I was walking, I saw a hint of color across the valley in the air.....like wavy lines of color.  Then, all the sudden, a beautiful, brilliant rainbow burst through.  It was gorgeous.  I quickly took a photo - and then it was gone.  It couldn't have lasted more than 90 seconds.

If you've followed my posts, you know that rainbows have been special to me on our unexpected journey.  Time and time again, on a hard day - often coming home from the hospital - there would be a rainbow.  It always ministered to me of God's goodness and faithfulness.  So, here again, on a heavy day was a stunning rainbow.  It touched my heart.  Because it came and went so quickly - if I hadn't been looking right where it appeared, I would have missed it.  It felt like it was just for me!!  God knew I needed that reminder of His faithfulness.  It felt intensely personal - from His heart to mine.  My heart was so blessed.  I’ve used the photo at the top of this post.

At the Celebration of Life memorial service for Floyd, there was a musical prelude for 10 minutes before it started.  It was a song called "Love Divine."  It was Floyd's favorite hymn, and it was sung at our wedding.  I love the words of the first verse:

"Love divine, all loves excelling,
Joy of Heav’n to earth come down;
Fix in us thy humble dwelling;
All thy faithful mercies crown!
Jesus, Thou art all compassion,
Pure unbounded love Thou art;
Visit us with Thy salvation,
Enter every trembling heart."

I am so grateful that He visits us and enters our trembling hearts when we need Him.  He is so loving and kind.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.  Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul."  Psalm 143:8

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope."  Psalm 130:5

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.  My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song."  Psalm 28:7 

"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him."  Psalm 34:8

I am so grateful for our loving, personal Father.  He knows me.  He knows what I need.  He comes close to me with whatever I need.  How good He is!

Leaving a Rich Heritage

This past week was a national holiday in South Africa called Heritage Day.  It started me thinking, once again, of the wonderful heritage I have.  I had a praying mother and a wonderful, Godly mother-in-law and father-in-law.  I am so blessed to have been loved, prayed for, and influenced by them.  They have helped shape who I am today.

But I started thinking, too, of others who have been influential in my life.  I am grateful to many who have impacted me and are part of my heritage.

-  My Aunt Lillian who joined my mother in praying for me every day of my growing up years - praying that I would love Jesus and serve Him. 

-  Pastor Sam O'Toole.  He was my pastor in my early teen years.  He believed in me, in my call to missions.  He helped me find out about YWAM and encouraged me to step out and go on outreaches.  He "pushed me out the door so to speak." 

-  Several lovely elderly ladies in my home church.  Sister Miller (we called everyone brother and sister in our church), Sister Burget, and others whose names I can't remember.  They formed a prayer group to pray first for me when I went on YWAM outreaches, and then for Floyd and me when we married......praying for us for many years until they passed away.  Some of them sent us $5 and $10 a month to help support us.

-  My sister, Edell Gloor.  She's 15 years older than me.  In many ways she was a second mom to me when I was growing up.  She has loved me and cared for me all her life.  Floyd and I were with her just a few months before he became ill.  I treasure those memories.  Although she's faced some health challenges, she is still alive and loving Jesus.

-  Muriel Fritz took me under her wing in Afghanistan when I was expecting our first baby.  I was far from my mom and Floyd's mom.  Muriel stepped in to help me through that tender season.  She and her husband, Dale, later worked with us in Holland.  She and I stayed in touch until she went to be with Jesus 3 years ago.

There are many, many others who are part of my heritage.  I mention these few because they are just "normal" people.....but they had huge impacts in my life.  None of them were famous, well-known people.  But I'm sure they are known in heaven because of their love for the Lord and their care for me, Floyd, and others.  There's a verse that talks about those who stay behind with the baggage will receive the same reward as those who go to battle.  I so believe that!  We're on the same team - Team Jesus.

Each one of us has the opportunity to be part of the heritage of those around us.  We'll someday leave all the "stuff" behind us - but the input we've had into people's lives we'll take with us to heaven.  Someone mentioned to me recently the "family lineage" we are leaving behind.  I got so excited thinking about that!  May God help me leave a rich heritage for those around me.

"The share of the man who stayed with the supplies is to be the same as that of him who went down to the battle.  All will share alike."  1 Samuel 30:24

"I have a goodly heritage."  Psalm 16:6

"You have given me the heritage of those who fear your name."  Psalm 61:5

"No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.  This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord."  Isaiah 54:17

I treasure all the ones who are part of my heritage.  I'm grateful for each one of them.  And I pray that I will be part of the heritage of others.  

When I have to do my medical checkups and tests it tends to produce anxiety for me.  Even though I tell myself a hundred times that I shouldn't worry, little questions and worries creep in.  I have to continually be on guard against letting fear pop its ugly head up.  I know God is on the alert and is watching over me.  I know He is carrying my burdens.  I know that worry is a burden God doesn't want us to carry.  I know He's in control, and I'm in good hands.  But.......!  My thoughts and feelings don't always submit to the truth of these things as quickly and easily as I would like.

That's where, once again, TRUST comes in.  I like how David, the mighty warrior, put it - "When I am afraid, I will trust in you."  (Psalm 56:3)  He admits his fear, but chooses to trust.  Our human emotions can get in the way of the choices we want to make in trusting God.  I find it helpful to continually speak out loud - "I trust you Lord."  It helps keep my attention focused on trusting God rather than giving in to the anxiety.  Trusting God keeps me in His presence - which helps keep the concerns and anxieties at bay.

Whatever our concern may be - Covid, cancer, finances, broken relationships, jobs, the future, our children, health - as we speak out our trust it releases fresh faith in our hearts to keep our focus on God and not on the questions or problems.  It's an ongoing challenge.  We don't just conquer this once and it's all over.  But when fear and concern come it doesn't "trump" trust.  We have to continually, minute by minute put our trust in Him.  He's available 24/7 to help us!

"Behold, He who keeps Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep."  Psalm 121:4

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."  Deuteronomy 31:8

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you."  Psalm 56:3 

"The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; and He knows those who trust in Him."  Nahum 1:7

When we have concerns, we shouldn't beat ourselves up for having very normal human emotions.  We need to simply choose to trust our wonderful God in the face of whatever is before us causing the concern.  It's a lesson I keep learning.  It takes root deeper and deeper in my heart each time I choose trust.  As I make that choice, God brings fresh comfort and hope into my heart.  He is so good and faithful!

Watch Out for Arrows

Something happened this week that is just part of "life."  Difficult things happen in life.  It's part of the world we live in.  But for some reason, this particular thing hit my heart like an arrow.  It felt like rejection.  My mind said one thing - my heart said another.  It weighed heavily upon me.

I took time to talk to the Lord and "pray it through" (a phrase my praying mother used often - we have to stay in the Lord's presence until we work our way through a matter).  As I took the matter to the Lord and allowed Him to give me His perspective, the heaviness lifted.  Peace and joy returned.  The arrow was pulled out. 

Walking through this reminded me of how easy it is for us to allow the "arrows" of daily life to pierce our heart.....and, when that happens, the enemy tries to exploit them.  He will use anything he can to distract us and draw our attention away from the goodness of God.  We can't allow that to happen!

When I took the arrow piercing my heart to the Lord, I could readily counteract it with truth and promises from the Word.  It wasn't even difficult - I just needed to spend time in God's presence to put things back in true perspective.  How good and faithful God is to help us do that.  And I will be more on guard when another arrow comes my way!!

"I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation."  Psalm 13:5

"Why are you in despair, O my soul?  And why have you become disturbed within me?  Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence."  Psalm 42:5

"You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence."  Acts 2:28

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  Romans 15:13

I'm not a fan of waiting.  I guess, like everyone, I find it hard, frustrating, and often stressful.  In many ways I've spent the last few years waiting - waiting to see what would happen to Floyd, waiting to see what would happen with my cancer, waiting, waiting, waiting on lots of things!

I've learned that waiting and trusting (something I've talked a LOT about these last few years) go hand in hand.  You really can't wait well unless you trust......and some thankfulness needs to be thrown into the mix too.

I was thinking about all the times we have to "wait" - especially for answers and directions.  I suddenly thought about Jesus.  He had clear direction.  He knew where he was headed - to the cross.  He knew all that was ahead.  I can't begin to imagine how hard that was for Him.  There must have been times when He wished things would just go ahead and move along.

There were times when He went aside and talked to His Father.  He poured out His heart.  He worshipped.  He kept His eye on the goal.  And He ministered to people.  He didn't get impatient or angry.  He didn't give up.  He simply waited until the "fullness of time" came.

I'm definitely not as patient as Jesus!  But I'm trying to learn the lessons of waiting while I worship God for His goodness, faithfulness, strength, and grace.  One of the things I've seen these last few years is that there are lessons to learn in waiting that we don't learn any other way.  I'm grateful that God is a patient teacher.  He orders our stops as well as our steps.  He knows when we need to wait.

"Be still, and know that I am God."  Psalm 46:10

"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation."  Psalm 5:3

"I waited patiently for the Lord; He inclined to me and heard my cry."  Psalm 40:1

"They who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."  Isaiah 40:31

As I walk through another season of waiting (for tests, results, answers), I'm trying to learn any new lessons the Lord has for me.  He always keeps teaching us!

His Promises Are Sure

I was watching a program recently and the main character made this statement - "Very few things that are worthwhile in life come without a cost."  I was so impressed by the statement that I turned off the TV and sat pondering what had been said.

When I think back over my 54 years with Floyd, I don't immediately think about the "costs."  I think about God's goodness, faithfulness, provision, and the spiritual "fruit" that has come over the years.  But, it's true - there have been costs.  For my own pondering, I made a list of some of them. As I went back through the years, I came up with a pretty long list.

Then I asked myself - was it worth it?  And I knew immediately that it was - without a shadow of a doubt.  I thought of all the precious ones who have come to know Jesus.  I thought of all the lessons we learned - of how we've grown in our walk with the Lord.  I thought of the ones who have been delivered from various bondages.  I thought of the physical healings.  And I thought of all the precious friendships we've had.  People are the most precious treasure in our lives, next to Jesus!

I think it's good to remind ourselves that the important and worthwhile things in life are worth the cost......because there will undoubtedly be more costs in the future as we walk with the Lord.  Jesus himself faced unbelievable "costs," even to his own life.  He paid the price!  He faced the ultimate cost, and because of that - He gives us the strength and grace to face the costs in our lives.

We don't start our journey with the Lord and following His call on our lives by thinking about the costs.  We start with a heart of love to honor and serve the Lord.  We want to obey, to follow His direction and leading.  Because our hearts are focused on Him, He then gives us the ability to face the costs.  Following Jesus, obeying His call and direction day by day in our lives, and walking in friendship with Him makes it so, so worth any cost we face.  What an incredibly rich and wonderful life we have in loving and serving the Lord!

"For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."  Mark 10:45

"Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men."  Colossians 3:23

"(Jesus) made Himself of no reputation, and took upon Him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men.  And being found in fashion as a man, He humbled Himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross."  Philippians 2:6-8 

"Fear the Lord, and serve Him in truth with all your heart; for consider the great things He has done for you."  1 Samuel 12:24

I love to meditate on the promises of God that He has for us as we serve Him.  They certainly more than balance out any of the costs!  To me, God's wonderful promises are symbolized by the rainbow, His covenant to us.  Many days driving home from the hospital after being with Floyd - my heart heavy with concern and calling out to God - and there, in the sky, in all its glory would be a rainbow.  This happened too many times to remember and count.  It was so precious to me.

A dear friend was telling me of an experience she had the day Floyd went to be with Jesus.  She had just heard the news.  She was in her car driving with tears running down her face......when in the sky, right in front of her was a HUGE rainbow - a Floyd sized rainbow.  She pulled over to take a photo of it.  It literally filled the sky.  She calls it "Floyd's rainbow."  She recently sent me the photo which I have shared above.  I love it!

God is so good - and He keeps His promises to us as we follow Him.

When I lift prayer requests to the Lord, I do my best to die to my own thoughts and desires.  I tell the Lord that I trust His plans and purposes.  But I think that "my wishes" can sometimes be what I'm praying.  I may not always be on the same wave length as the Lord even though I try to be.  God doesn't fulfill all our wishes when we pray, but He does fulfill all His promises!  He is faithful in doing that.  I often find it helpful to pray His promises.

I remember when I was growing up I would say I wished for something, almost like a prayer.  My mother was known for all her old "sayings."  She would say to me "if wishes were horses, then beggars would ride." I loved her practical approach, and her Godly outlook.  She was a wonderful woman of prayer.

People have asked me if I'm upset with God for not answering the prayers for healing for Floyd.  I certainly wanted him to be physically healed here on earth!  But I always prayed "healing or heaven" leaving the choice to the Lord.  I knew that only He knew what was best.  I knew He could heal Floyd - so many examples in the Word - like the man by the pool of water who had been lame for 38 years.....a lot longer than Floyd.  Healing Floyd would have been easy for God.  But I didn't know what God's "plan and purpose was."  And, ultimately, Floyd got healing and heaven!  

I think it boils down to trust when we are praying.  We lift up our prayers to the Lord......praying as best we can according to God's purposes - but we have to trust God with the final decision.  That's where the "rubber meets the road."  (Another saying my mom used.)  We have to entrust ourselves into His loving hands.  That's the ultimate prayer!  

Many times God has something better in mind than what we are praying. I think of Mary and Martha praying for Jesus to come and heal their brother Lazarus.  Jesus didn't arrive when they wanted, and Lazarus died.  He was already wrapped in grave clothes in the tomb by the time Jesus arrived.  Jesus had something better in mind - He wanted to raise Lazarus from the dead!  God's ways are not always our ways.  We shouldn't be surprised when our prayers go unanswered because He has something better in mind!

I often sit as I'm praying and check my motives - making sure I'm not praying from selfish motivations.  I ask God to show me His plans, His purposes - and guide me in how to pray.  But I also know He doesn't get upset with us if we pray "amiss."  He sees our heart.  He understands our love and trust for Him.  And He answers us - oh how wonderful that He meets us, and answers us!  I'm so grateful! 

"Hear my prayer, O Lord!  Listen to my cries for help!  Don't ignore my tears."  Psalm 39:12

"Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."  Jeremiah 29:12

"Truly God has listened; He has attended to the voice of my prayer."  Psalm 66:19

"You will pray to Him, and He will hear you."  Job 22:27

The ultimate goal of our prayers is drawing us closer to God.  That's our "answer" every time!  He knows what's in our hearts, but He longs for us to speak that out to Him in prayer.  He wants our fellowship and friendship with Him.  What a wonderful, precious friend we have in Jesus! 

Frowns into Smiles

It seems like every direction I turn these days I hear of people talking about the pain, sorrows, and disappointments that they are dealing with.  It's a difficult time on so many levels.  We live in a broken world that desperately needs Jesus!  The earth itself seems to be groaning in need of redemption.

I heard of a saying that God has angels whose job it is to change scars from frowns to smiles.  We all bear "scars" from difficult things we have gone through.  We carry "frowns" in our spirit, in our hearts from the sorrows and disappointments we've faced.  Our hearts are often so heavy from the trials of life that we've walked through.

But I'm encouraged to think of ministering angels who are at work in our lives to change our difficult, frowning times into smiles.  To me that speaks of the healing, redeeming power of the Lord.  He is the One who can give "beauty for ashes......the oil of joy for mourning."  He is the One who lifts the burdens on our hearts.  He encourages us to "cast" our burdens on Him because He can carry them. 

Someone mentioned to me recently that they were surprised that I wasn't sad and depressed from all I've gone through.  They kinda expected me to be weary, tired looking, and discouraged.  There was even the comment that I look good - which was unexpected.

As I reflected on that, all I could say was "thank you Jesus."  The Lord has been with me through each trial, each difficulty, each sorrow.  Of course there is some sadness in my heart over things that have happened.  But more than that - there is joy because God has carried me through the hard times and sorrows.  "The joy of the Lord" truly is my strength!!  Day in, day out He has been with me to help me.

There may well be some scars in my heart from things that have happened - but God has helped turn the frowns into smiles by His help and grace.....day by day, minute by minute.  I'm grateful for the ministering angels.  I live and walk in joy because of His redeeming power.

"To comfort all who mourn.....to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair."  Isaiah 61:2,3

"Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken."  Psalm 55:22

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."  1 Peter 5:7

"Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."  Nehemiah 8:10

I have "down" days just like everyone else.  But I am so, so grateful that God has taken every frown in my heart and turned it into a smile by His grace and help.  He has truly redeemed each and every sorrow I've walked through.  I am still "standing" because God has so faithfully helped me with everything that has come my way these last few years.  How amazingly good and faithful He is!  

As I continue on this journey, I do my best to take care of myself.  I guess you could say I do the "possible" while I continue to ask God for the "impossible" of bringing healing to my body.  I eat well.  I take good vitamins.  I get good sleep.  I exercise every day.  I try to find things that bring refreshment and refueling to my heart.  I do everything I can in terms of self care.

On our "unexpected journey" these last years, I had to learn how to receive rest from the Lord.  I could never have survived the journey without that.  In this new season I'm finding I need that rest from the Lord even more!!  Perhaps I'm just catching up from all I've been through.  Or it could be having grief thrown into the mix......but, whatever it is, I'm finding I have to press deeper and deeper into the rest that only God can give.

For me it's meant some very specific things:

• Slowing my activity down so that I can receive His rest.

• Meditating on His word, His promises.....and believing that they are available for me right now in my daily life. 

• Sitting quietly in His presence and just letting His spirit wash over me. 

• Allowing the Lord to speak into my thoughts, my memories as they come while I process the emotions of my grief.

• Being careful not to block the pain when it bubbles up in my heart, but allowing the Lord to pour His healing balm into it.

• Seeking His wisdom to tackle the endless "to do" list rather than trying to rush ahead and just get everything done.

 I think in some ways I'm "catching up" after 5+ intense years.  The well has been drained way down, and God is pouring in fresh, living water to fill me up again.  I was recently reflecting on Elijah.  He had some wonderful victories - but then he was faced with weariness and discouragement.  God met him with sleep and rest.  He provided bread and water from a ministering angel.  He spoke encouragement to him in a gentle whisper, and then He brought him a helper.  God didn't rebuke him and tell him he was a failure!  He understood his weariness, and helped him.

I've found myself worshipping the Lord and thanking Him for the rest He's bringing to me.  It's what I'm needing right now, and God in His faithfulness is meeting me once again.  I'm so grateful.  He knows just what I need.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

"I will answer your cry for help every time you pray, and you will feel my presence in your time of trouble."  Psalm 91:15 

"My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.  He will not let your foot slip - He who watches over you will not slumber."  Psalm 121:2,3

"And He said, 'My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.' "  Exodus 33:14

What an awesome God we serve. 

Little Treasures

I'm so grateful for the love and concern of all those that keep asking how I am doing… and especially grateful for their prayers.  It's hard to give a simple answer of how I'm doing.  I have good days, not so good days, and hard days.  I'm never quite sure when I wake up in the morning how the day will go.

On good days, I'm full of energy, perky, and I get a lot of things done on my "to do" list.  On not so good days, I move slower and keep asking the Lord for fresh energy.  On hard days, I don't do much.  I read, pray, and take it easy......while wishing I had more strength and energy.  

It's not just physical - it's emotional too.  I have found grief to be a strange thing to deal with.  Amazingly I can often easily deal with "big" things that come along.  It's usually "little" things that bring a flood of tears my way.  It's always unexpected.

A few days ago I was doing some reading about grief, and learned that everything I'm experiencing is "normal."  That was good to know!  And everything I read said that what I need most is time.  I've actually felt encouraged by the Lord to just take things one-day-at-a-time.  I'm familiar with that - it's how I've survived the last few years.  It's trusting for day to day perseverance with whatever comes along.

I've found that God faithfully meets my needs in my weakness when I express my dependence on Him and my need of Him.  It keeps me connected to His heart of love for me.  It protects me from discouragement as I lean into Him and receive His grace.  It helps me face whatever the day has in store for me.  It helps me live an abundant life even when things around me feel lacking.  His meeting me in my weakness is every bit as much a miracle as the more dramatic things we pray for.  His power is truly made perfect in my weakness.  He's an awesome God.

Every once in a while I get little "treasures" that are so special....something someone sends me that I haven't seen before or telling me about something I didn't know about.  It's like a sweet kiss from the Lord to my heart.  So special!  One of those treasures is a sweet photo that I hadn't seen before.  I have posted it above.  It was taken in the late 1970s when we were at Heidebeek in Holland.  I think it was one of Dennis Fahringer's photos - he's my favorite all-time photographer!  We had lots of his photos, but I don't remember seeing this one before.  It brought sweet tears!

"To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy - to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore!"  Jude 1:24,25

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."  2 Corinthians 12:9

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, thought the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.  The Sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights."  Habakkuk 3:17-19

I'm so grateful for God's help to enable me to make it through whatever kind of day I face!

His Gentle Whisper

I've never given a lot of thought to heaven.  I just know it's there - and someday we'll spend eternity with Jesus.  But I've never really wondered about all the details.

However, since losing Floyd and knowing he's in heaven now, I think about it a lot.  And I now have a million questions!  I wonder what Floyd is doing.  I wonder if he can find our friends and relatives who have gone before him - and how he finds them in the midst of all the people there.  I wonder about conversations he might be having with Jesus - and who else he might be talking to.  I wonder if he knows what is happening here on earth.  Well, I just wonder about a lot of things!

I've been listening to a very moving, very poignant song by Casting Crowns - Scars in Heaven.  In the world in which we live, where many of us have suffered loss, the words are so beautiful:

"The only scars in heaven, they won't belong to me and you

There'll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new

And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down

Is that the only scars in heaven are on the hands that hold you now."

Floyd and other loved ones who are in heaven are in the nail scarred hands of Jesus.  He is tenderly loving them, caring for them, and He has healed them!

I still have all my questions about heaven, but I'm so encouraged when I think of the relief from pain and suffering - and spending eternity with our precious Lord!  Our loved ones who have gone before us just have a jump start on being in the presence of Jesus.

C.S. Lewis once said that on this earth we are "on the wrong side of the door."  But, "all the leaves of the New Testament are rustling with the rumor it will not always be so."  Someday we'll be with our loved ones on the other side of the door with Jesus.

"Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

"Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven."  Matthew 5:12

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."  Revelation 21:4

"Our citizenship is in heaven."  Philippians 3:20

I take comfort in knowing Floyd and all our loved ones who have passed are basking in the presence of Jesus.  The nail scarred hands are tenderly holding them.  However that works in heaven, it's a beautiful thing!

I love that in our relationship with God, He speaks to us!  From my earliest days as a young girl I can remember God speaking into my heart - long before I even understood what was happening.  I can remember kneeling by my bed and praying.....and by a little bench in my parent's room.  I could hear God speaking to me - tenderly, gently, clearly.  I knew He loved me.  I knew He had a plan for my life.  I knew He was a wonderful Father.  I somehow knew that He made His home in my heart.

I've often reflected on this passage from 1 Kings 19:11,12

"Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind.  After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake.  After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper."

Many times when I'm seeking the Lord for answers or direction, for clarity about something, I want Him to speak strongly - in wind, earthquakes, fires.....something powerful and clear.  But 99.99% of the time, He speaks in quiet, gentle whispers into my heart.

In order to hear that whisper, I have to be still in His presence.  I have to shake off the cares of the world.  I have to silence my own voice and thoughts.  I have to rebuke the voice of the enemy.  I have to resist all the worries and cares that are impacting my day, my heart.  When I do that (it usually takes time), then I can hear His intimate holy whispers.

It's so easy to get distracted by the "noise" of the world around me - especially with all the craziness of our current world.  There is so much happening that screams for our attention!  I often have to consciously work at being still - even when I'm physically weak.  But, when I quieten all the other voices, I love hearing His precious whispers!

I don't know about you, but I need to hear His holy whispers into my heart more than ever before.  I can't make it without Him.  I need His love, His care, His guidance, His peace.  I am so, so grateful that God speaks to me!

"Cease striving and know that I am God."  Psalm 46:10

"My sheep hear my voice."  John 10:27

"Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known."  Jeremiah 33:3

How precious it is that God speaks to us!  Often in tender, gentle whispers.....when we quieten our hearts to listen.

Walking into Destiny One Step at a Time

One of the things I've been blessed by since Floyd passed away is all the emails from people telling me how Floyd touched or impacted their lives.  I've heard lots of stories that I've never heard before.  It's been very special.

One person shared how she was on a journey of self discovery, and figuring out what God had for her.  She talked with Floyd about her destiny.  He told her: "destiny isn't something that happens to you; your destiny is something you walk into one step at a time."  I love that perspective!  One step at a time, one choice at a time, one day at a time!

I must confess that I've wondered what my future, my destiny looks like.  I have no idea what is ahead for me.  I'm older, I'm a widow, I'm still battling cancer, I don't have much energy these days, and yet I know God won't "waste" this season of my life.  I look to Him for my "destiny" in the time ahead.  

It helps to think of it in terms of "one step at a time."  Even just one choice at a time.  I can handle that.  It makes it do-able in spite of my limitations.  So many times in recent years on our unexpected journey, I had the sense that what we were walking through involved prayers prayed long ago.  My logical mind can't understand that, but I had a sense of destiny and God being in control.  Now I trust God for the rest of my destiny!

I often think back to my mother and my aunt taking me to church when I was a few days old.  They laid me on the altar and prayed over me - that I would grow up to love the Lord and to serve Him all my life.  Then they dedicated themselves to pray for me every day as I grew up.  I only learned of this on my wedding day when my mother told Floyd and me about it.  She told Floyd that he was an answer to their prayers.

So, so many times I have a sense that I am walking into things they prayed for - a wonderful sense of destiny being fulfilled and prayers being answered!  God doesn't forget a single prayer we pray.  We may not see the answers when we expected - or how we expected.....but God answers those prayers!  And He helps us fulfill the destiny He has for us - "one step at a time."

"It is the Lord who directs your life, for each step you take is ordained by God to bring you closer to your destiny.  So much of your life, then, remains a mystery."  Proverbs 20:24 TPT

"Lord, I have chosen you alone as my inheritance.  You are my prize, my pleasure, and my portion.  I leave my destiny and its timing in your hands."  Psalm 16:5 TPT

"So we are convinced that every detail of our lives is continually woven together to fit into God's perfect plan of bringing good into our lives."  Romans 8:28 TPT 

"Then you will discover all that is just, proper, and fair, and be empowered to make the right decisions as you walk into your destiny."  Proverbs 2:9 TPT

I'm grateful that my destiny is in the loving, wise hands of my Father - because He is so good and faithful!  I know I can trust Him.

I wanted to share an answer to prayer.  One of the things I've struggled with is making sure I'm eating well.  I do pretty good, but I don't like to cook anymore so some days it's challenging.  I get tired of grocery store meals - even restaurant meals.  I've been wanting good home cooking.....without me being the cook. :)  I found a local group that does home cooked meals - and delivers them!  I've tried them, and they're yummy.  It's just what I've been looking for.  In the overall scheme of things, it's a "small" thing......but I feel like the Lord so wonderfully helped me find them, and it's a perfect answer to my prayers.

This "small" answer to prayer reminded me of a quote from Corrie ten Boom:  "The wonderful thing about praying is that you leave a world of not being able to do something, and enter into God's realm where everything is possible.  He specializes in the impossible.  Nothing is too great for His almighty power.  Nothing is too small for His love."  Amen!  God hears and answers our prayers, including the small ones.

I've heard from so many people recently who have been impacted by Floyd's book "The Father Heart of God."  For some, it's the first time to read it.  For others, they are re-reading it.  I love to hear these stories because we all need our relationship with the Father strengthened.

Someone recently sent me an 8 minute video of Floyd speaking on the Father Heart. If you would like to watch it please click on the resources button on our home page to find the post called ‘The Parable of the Waiting Father’.  I hope it will bless you.

"Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him?!"  Matthew 7:11-12

I'm so grateful for all the "good gifts" the Lord gives me.  Even my home cooked meals. :) 

The Goodness of God

Last week was truly a ‘birthday week’!  Floyd's birthday was tender on Tuesday - my birthday was sweet on Thursday - and our daughter's birthday was on the weekend.  It was always days of family celebrations in early August for us.

I awoke on my birthday to my phone pinging with lots of messages.  My daughter had an hour-long birthday party for me - balloons, photos, pictures, gifs, sayings, and messages.  She aimed for 73 of them for my 73rd birthday, and ended up with 133 of them!!!  It was so fun - such a special start to my day......and a very unusual one!  It made me smile so big!  

Someone sent me this quote for my birthday:  "If all you did was just looked for things to appreciate, you would live a joyously spectacular life."  (Ester Abraham Hicks)  

I have found that to be SO very true!  When I'm sad, I look for happy things to be thankful for.  When I'm lonely, I think of all my wonderful friends.  When I'm not feeling good, I think of how grateful I am to be alive.  When I miss Floyd, I thank the Lord that we had 54 years together.  When it's cold and rainy, I thank the Lord that the sun always comes back out.  When I'm tired, I thank the Lord that my strength comes from Him.

The Bible says it clearly - "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he."  Proverbs 23:7  What we focus on is what we will be.  It's so important to focus our hearts and minds on positive, good, Godly things.  That's why worship has been so important to me on our unexpected journey.  It keeps my mind focused on God, on His goodness and provision.

I’ve been listening to a song - "The Goodness of God".  It's such a powerful one to help focus our hearts on God's goodness.  "Your goodness is running after me.....all my life You have been faithful.....all my life You have been good to me!"  That's my testimony.  God has been so good to me.  And I love the phrase that God is running after me.  He pursues us with His goodness.  We don't even have to go searching for it.  If we just turn towards Him - His goodness is right there!  Just thinking about that makes my heart swell with joy!!

God has been so good to us through the years.  Yes, there have been some hard times - that's life!  But as I look back, I'm just so grateful for how God has helped us and carried us.  He has been so faithful!

"The Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abounding in goodness and truth."  Exodus 34:6

"The Lord is good to all, and His tender mercies are over all His works."  Psalm 145:9

"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him."  Psalm 34:8

I know I couldn't have survived these last few years without the goodness of the Lord!  He has been my solid Rock!

Floyd enjoyed relaxing by watching a movie.  He tended to like action flicks, but sometimes he'd watch a chick flick with me.  I picked up his habit, so when my mind is overloaded and I need a break - I often watch a movie.  Hallmark movies are my favorites because they are usually "feel good" type of movies.  In spite of whatever drama comes up, they usually have a happy ending.  And, interestingly enough, they often "speak" to me about something.  I was watching one a few days ago.  The woman in the movie was going through some problems.  She said she'd learned not to concentrate on the "what if" but rather on the "what I have."  I love that.  I've been choosing afresh to follow her example.

When you have cancer (or any other major illness), it's easy for that illness to hang like a cloud over your head all the time.  Whenever there's a "twinge" or some other little symptom - you immediately wonder if the cancer is back......what does this mean?  I continually choose to not be anxious, to not worry - but that cloud is persistently there.  I do everything I can to be proactive and dis-spell it.  I'm following the example in the movie and focusing on the "what I have."

If we focus on the what ifs, we'll always come up short.  We'll be discouraged, and probably overwhelmed.  But if we focus on the what I have - we soon find that we have so, so much......things we take for granted that are actually huge blessings!

Today I'm focusing on the fact that I have so many wonderful friends all over the world!  I am so blessed.  I've received wonderful messages from literally the world over after Floyd's passing and for my birthday - such sweet messages of love.  Floyd and I always said that one of our greatest treasures in life was people.  We were so grateful for all the wonderful people that God brought into our lives.  The "gift of people" is a treasure!!  

"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits."  Psalm 103:2

"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good."  Psalm 118:1

"Give thanks in all circumstances."  1 Thessalonians 5:18

"Oh, how abundant is your goodness."  Psalm 31:19

No matter what the circumstance is in my day, in my life - I "have" so many wonderful blessings.  God is good!

My Constant Refuge

We recently came across a series of 3 minute podcasts, 29 of them, that Floyd had done a number of years ago.  Each one is a mini-sermon!  They are so rich and good.  They are posted under resources on our website.

We seem to keep finding these little treasures.  It's really exciting.  They've been hidden away.  We are collecting articles, tapes, videos, CDs - anything by Floyd.  They are being archived on the Founder's Page on the All Nations International website.  Many have been helping us on this treasure hunt!

We've been lifting a prayer request to the Lord, and saw an answer in recent days.  My daughter and granddaughter sang a prayer of thanks to the Lord for answering our prayer and sent it to me.  "Bless the Lord O my soul - for you have done great things!"  God is so faithful.  Almost every day I seem to be lifting something to the Lord.  He continually does great things.  I bless Him and I'm so grateful.

The source of God's help in our lives is unending!  There is never an end to His being able to meet us and help us.  The well of His provision never runs dry.  The power of His strength to help us never gets weak.  Whatever the need, whatever the situation - He is there in His might to help us.

This week as I was lifting a need to the Lord, I heard His encouragement that He never tires of my bringing needs to Him.  My dependence on Him keeps my heart continually linked to His heart of love for me.  Nothing in my life is "apart" from Him.  The very breath I breathe is linked to Him.  He delights in my bringing my details to Him to seek His help and wisdom.  And I couldn't make it without His involvement in every detail of my life!

"The Lord your God is with you, the mighty warrior who saves.  He will take great delight in you;  in His love He will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing."  Zephaniah 3:17

"My God will meet all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:19

"Jesus looked at them and said to them, 'With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.' "  Matthew 19:26

I couldn't have made it on our long unexpected journey without God's help - and I can't make it as I continue my journey without Him.  

I'm especially grateful for his daily help and presence as I deal with the first year of "firsts" after losing Floyd.  Everyone tells me that the first year is the hardest.  I've already had Father's Day and our anniversary - now this week was Floyd's birthday.  We always celebrated our birthdays, and made them special for each member of our family.  Even while Floyd was in the hospital, I always went to celebrate with him.  I sang, took a balloon to put where he could see it, and sometimes made special posters to hang in his room.  It felt strange to not do something with him on his birthday this week.  It  was a rather tender day.

On the other hand – it was his first birthday in heaven!!  I wonder if they celebrate in heaven??  Wouldn't it be fun to know.  Maybe he's with all of our family that have gone on before.  Or maybe they're so busy worshiping Jesus that they don't even think about it.

So many things remind me of Floyd.  We've had an unusually cold, wet winter this year - record breaking cold!  On the inland mountains they've had LOTS of snow.....not just a dusting of snow, but inches/centimeters deep.  Someone sent me a photo of some of the snowy mountains - with a giraffe in the valley below.  I’ve used it at the top of this post.  That's Africa - a continent of unusual contrasts.  I loved the photo because giraffes have always reminded me of Floyd.  :)  It made me smile.

I'm finding that God's sweet comfort is there for each new thing I'm facing.  It's different now, of course, but God's faithfulness is just as sufficient for each need I'm facing in this new season.  He is so good!

As I continue my journey, I'm so grateful that I'm not alone.  

" 'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the Lord, who has compassion on you."  Isaiah 54:10

"By day the Lord directs His love, at night His song is with me."  Psalm 42:8

"God is our refuge and strength."  Psalm 46:1

Whatever I face, I'm so grateful that God is with me.  He's my constant refuge.  I thank Him for that every morning when I wake up.

I'm Thankful

My heart was quite tender in the days leading up to the Celebration of Life.  A very emotional time for me.  I asked the Lord how to position my heart in preparation for it.  He sweetly reminded me of what He's spoken to me all along our unexpected journey - I need to be thankful!  Being thankful, entering into praise and worship, is where I find strength for whatever I face.

So I did that.  I spoke out my thankfulness to the Lord in the midst of a tender week.  I'd like to share a few of the things I'm thankful for.

·      I'm thankful for 54 years of married life with Floyd.

·      I'm thankful that Floyd was my best friend, and the love of my life!

·      I'm thankful that God led our lives together when we were very young so that we could experience so much of life together.

·      I'm thankful for all the unique adventures we had in Afghanistan, Amsterdam, America, and Africa.

·      I'm thankful for God's faithful provision to us over all the years.  There were times when we hardly had a nickel (or rand) to our name, but God always took care of us.

·      I'm thankful for the Godly heritage and examples we had from Floyd's parents and my mom.

·      I'm thankful for the firm foundations built into our lives in our years in Youth With A Mission.

·      I'm thankful for our daughter, Misha; our son, Matthew; and our grandchildren, Kezia and Luke.  They bring such joy to me.

·      I'm thankful for our whole family.  They have been beside me on our unexpected journey.

·      I'm thankful for my sweet friends who have helped carry me on this journey.

·      I'm thankful for the All Nations family who have loved us, prayed for us, and have now honored my dear husband.

·      I'm thankful for God's grace, strength, wisdom, guidance, and provision every single day of our unexpected journey.  He has been SO faithful!

·      I'm thankful for healing miracles along the way.

·      I'm thankful to be alive!

·      I'm thankful for all God taught me on our unexpected journey.  He didn't "waste" a single minute of it!

·      I'm thankful for the home God provided for us here in South Africa.  I have a haven in this tender time.

·      I'm thankful that God is gently carrying me in this time of grief.

·      I'm thankful that we can remember, celebrate, and honor my "gentle giant."

I could keep going for pages and pages.  I have so much to be thankful for!  As I positioned my heart to be thankful, the Holy Spirit poured a healing balm into my tender heart.  With every tear that falls - a prayer of thankfulness is also poured out.  God has been so good to me!

"Give thanks in all circumstances."  1 Thessalonians 5:18

"I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds."  Psalm 9:1

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever."  Psalm 106:1

"Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise - the fruit of lips that openly profess His name."  Hebrews 13:15

The Celebration was beautiful!  I was so touched by the love, honor, and tributes for Floyd.  They meant a lot to me and our family.  I just wished Floyd could have heard them all.  He would have been so blessed.  Who knows? - maybe he could hear them.  I don't know how it works between here and heaven. :)

Many of the worship songs during the Celebration were ones that Floyd loved - including the opening one...."Jesus loves me this I know."  Floyd often led out in that when he spoke.

Our family watched it together, and chatted by FaceTime about it.  I wish we could have been together for it.  My son and I were in Cape Town; my daughter and granddaughter in the US; and my grandson in New Zealand.

I have to say that it felt very surreal.  Here I was sitting in the home we renovated to "grow old" in.....sitting on our couch.....and watching a memorial for my husband half a world away on our TV.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought of a scenario like this a few years back.  I pinched myself to make sure it was real.

I cried buckets of tears, but they were sweet ones.  I was so very blessed by all the expressions of love.  The Celebration was a beautiful combination of honoring Floyd, worshipping Jesus, and being challenged to "finish the race of reaching the least, the last, and the lost."  Quite a few have told me they made fresh commitments to that challenge.  That's what Floyd would have wanted to happen at his memorial service!

Although my heart continues to be tender, and I have tears at unexpected times all through the day - the Celebration helped bring a measure of closure.  I'm grateful for that - I needed it.  Even though I've grieved for 5 years, I think, in some ways, I held a lot in because I still needed to care for Floyd and I was battling my own sickness.  Also, God kept encouraging me to ask for miracles (while I told Him I trusted His wisdom)......so I didn't want to grieve fully losing him yet.  Once it was final, the grief hit my heart full force.  The Celebration helped bring some healing to my heart.

A number of people included me in their tributes.  That meant so much to me and to my family.   Floyd and I always worked so closely together.  Without him, I feel like a part of me has been cut off.....something is missing.  It was very thoughtful of the different ones to recognize and honor that.  It blessed me.

There was a short video tribute to Floyd.  Included in it is a clip from a 1973 CBS television interview in Kabul.  I had never seen it until after Floyd passed away.  It was fun to see him in his younger years! 

"Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other."  Romans 12:10

I’m so thankful to everyone who was there in person or online to honor my dear husband!  It meant the world to me.

God is with Me

During the years that Floyd was sick and I was battling cancer, I faced some pretty big challenges......and I saw some amazing answers to prayer.  There were some big miracles - and some smaller ones, but all of them were sweet answers to prayers lifted to the Lord.

Last week I faced two big challenges.  The ramifications of one was daunting, and the challenge of the second seemed pretty impossible.  I called out to the Lord for help.  I have to confess though that my faith was wobbling.  I wondered if/and how God would be able to help me in these two unusual situations.  I asked some friends to pray, and two friends jumped in to help me - one in the US, and one here in South Africa.

The first challenge with the daunting ramifications was resolved before long - but the second one.......well, we couldn't even find a way to contact the necessary office.  Every phone call and email was a dead end.  And then miraculously, yes miraculously! someone called us.  The person had gone on a search to find our phone number.  She remembered a brief contact with Floyd and me from about 10 years ago.  She has dealt with thousands of people since then, but she remembered us.  Unbelievable!  And she offered to solve the situation.  

Within ONE day the two big challenges were resolved.  It was truly a miracle!  I was overwhelmed with God's goodness and faithfulness - and what a boost it was to my faith that God is with me as I journey on alone.  I can't even begin to explain how encouraging this was to me.  I think my heart just needed the encouragement.

Later in the day I was talking and praying with someone else who is facing some pretty big challenges.  She shared with me a testimony.  Two families were getting ready to go to Disneyland on vacation. Everyone was so excited.  They had rented a car to go together.  But when they were getting ready to leave - the car wouldn't start.  It was very discouraging.  As they pondered what to do, one of the dads felt they should all put their luggage in the car.  It seemed strange because they might have to move it to another car if this one wasn't working.  But he felt strongly, so they loaded the car - and then, amazingly, the car started up just fine.  They went on their way to Disneyland!

I've been thinking about this testimony.  Often times we face challenges - just like I have this week.  While we call out to God and say "help!" it's also so important for us to do our part - whatever that might be.  For those families, it was putting their luggage in the car to get ready to leave.  For my situation, it was making endless calls and sending lots of emails - even when none were getting through.  God was working behind the scenes, and He put on that lady's heart to reach out to us!

"Know therefore that the Lord your God is God: He is the faithful God."  Deuteronomy 7:9

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  Lamentations 3:22,23

"Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies."  Psalm 36:5

"Who is like you, Lord God almighty?  You, Lord, are mighty, and your faithfulness surrounds you."  Psalm 89:8

"Your faithfulness continues through all generations; you established the earth, and it endures."  Psalm 119:90 

I'm so grateful that God is by my side as I journey on into the future.  He is amazingly good and faithful - working miracles on our behalf.

As I have thought about how thankful I am that He is by my side, I feel even more grateful this week as we have prepared for Floyd’s Celebration of Life.

From day 1 when Floyd got sick, I felt some specific instructions from the Lord:

·      keep my eyes continually on the Lord, not on circumstances

·      keep a heart of trust in the Lord regardless of what came my way

·      pray, pray, pray

As days became weeks, I felt more instruction came to me:

·      pace myself, this wasn't going to be a quick turnaround

·      keep hope alive in my heart

·      as a statement of faith, keep things just as they were in our home when Floyd became sick

I kept his wedding ring where he placed it on our bathroom counter.  I kept his Bible and reading material on the chest in our living room.  I kept things in our home just as they were when he got sick.  The only thing I changed was to get rid of the dog bed when his dog, Sossy, went to doggy heaven in Oct. 2018.

As weeks became months, I felt I was to continually check in with the Lord as to how to pray.  I did that almost daily.

And as months became years, I felt the Lord say to me that I had His blessing to keep asking for, believing for miracles - but that I should leave the choice up to Him.  I prayed for "healing or heaven."  I asked the Lord for a healing miracle, but I told Him I trusted Him with whatever He chose.

As we all know, God chose heaven.....and now Floyd is healed too.  He got both.  People continually ask me questions about what this journey was all about.  I have a few inklings of understanding, and yet I honestly don't think I'll fully understand this side of heaven.  But - I trust!  I trust God's wisdom and I trust how He led me on the journey.

It's been a journey unlike anything I could have ever dreamed of.  It's a journey I would have rather not gone on - and yet it's a journey I wouldn't trade for anything because of all the good that has come from it.....most especially the closeness and intimacy with the Lord.  He has been with me every hour, every minute, every second of the journey.  I am so grateful!

After 5 years, 3 months, and 6 days - I moved Floyd's wedding ring to a small container in his drawer where he kept some special things.  The "unexpected journey" was over.  Floyd was with Jesus!  God chose heaven.

I miss Floyd now more than I thought possible - especially since I'd already missed him for over 5 years.  My heart has been especially tender this week with the Celebration of Life gathering happening tomorrow.  I'm glad we can celebrate his life, and I think it will help bring closure in some ways. 

"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His faithful servants."  Psalm 116:15

"Then I heard a voice from heaven say, 'Write this: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on.' 'Yes,' says the Spirit, 'they will rest from their labor, for their deeds will follow them.' " Revelation 14:13

I am so grateful for the Lord’s comfort and faithfulness to me.  And for the wonderful people He has placed around me to lift us up in prayer.  

What Does God Look Like?

I shared a quote in my last post - "Grief is our receipt of having loved well."  Afterwards someone sent me the full quote.  It's even more beautiful.  I wanted to pass it on.

"Grief is love's souvenir.  It's our proof that we once loved.  Grief is the receipt we wave in the air that says to the world: 'Look!  Love was once mine.  I loved well.  Here is my proof that I paid the price.' " 

I'm glad to have loved well.  My 54 years with Floyd are a treasure that I will always hold close to my heart.  I was doing a short video this week for the Celebration of Life memorial coming up on July 24 in Kansas City.  Sharing about Floyd made me so grateful for the life we had together.  God has been so good to us!

I've been listening to a rendition of "Amazing Grace" being sung in 50 countries all over the world and I think this is what heaven will be like!  All of us worshipping the Lord together.  Floyd is experiencing this now.  He's with his parents, with my parents, and with many friends who have gone before us.  What a great day of rejoicing it will be when all tribes and tongues can stand together and worship the Lord.  We have so much to thank Him for.

"Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved."  Acts 4:12

"And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."  Acts 2:21

"Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us."  Psalm 62:8

His amazing grace is firm and secure - even though everything around us is being shaken.  God is our sure stronghold!  He's our Rock!

Someone reminded me this week of a message Floyd gave at the Simply Jesus gathering in 2015 on "What Does God Look Like?"  I've listened to it several times.  It's lovely to hear Floyd's voice, of course, and I've been blessed by the message.  You can listen to the message under the ‘Resources’ section on our website.

Our grandchildren loved their Granpa.....and he loved them so much.  They were close, and they've been missing him.  I'm sad that they won't have more time together.  We've been savoring all our photos and memories.  Floyd's message is about when our daughter asked him what God looked like when she was a young girl.  It was part of the journey of her relationship with God.  I've been praying for my grandkids now to discover what God looks like in their lives, and to have a wonderful revelation of His love and care for them.  And I'm praying for their hearts as they miss their Granpa.

One of my all time favorite photos is one of Granpa and grandson walking together.  I share it above.  It's so special.  They look like a tall and short version of each other.

In these days when my heart is tender, I've been reflecting on what God looks like to me too.  His comfort and His presence have been so real, so close, so tangible.  I have sensed Him carrying me in ways only He can through this time of loss.  At this particular time, God looks like a loving Father, wrapping His arms around me, holding me close, wiping away the tears, and telling me I'm going to make it through all this.  He is so good.

"God is light, and in Him is no darkness at all."  I John 1:5

"Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives......You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy."  Micah 7:18,19

"For who is God besides the Lord?  And who is the Rock except our God?  It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; He causes me to stand on the heights."  2 Samuel 22:32-34

My prayer today is for each of us to have a fresh understanding of what God looks like in our lives.  He is our Rock, our Refuge, our Strength, our Sufficiency, our Helper.  He is so faithful to us!

The Lord is By My Side

We've had a cold, rainy week here in Cape Town.  The cold tends to sap my energy, but I've been plugging along dealing with things.  My plate has been full.  It's been an intense week for me.  There have been a number of things I've been lifting to the Lord.

One day in my quiet time this verse spoke to me:

"This also comes from the Lord of hosts, who is wonderful in counsel and excellent in guidance."  Isaiah 28:29

As I read that verse - "wonderful in counsel, excellent in guidance" -  I was so comforted that the Lord is my counselor and He is guiding me.  I prayed that out to the Lord, and could almost physically feel the weights lifting from me.  I am so grateful that the Lord is by my side.  I truly couldn't make it without Him!  

I could never have survived the last 5 years on our unexpected journey without Him counseling and guiding me.  So, so many decisions I've had to make on Floyd's behalf.  Big decisions!  Decisions I would have never dreamed I would face.  And God has helped me with each one.  Oh how grateful I am!  He is my counselor and guide.

I came across a phrase in a book this week, too, that was helpful.  A lady mentioned that God doesn't worry, so when she prays - she prays solutions rather than problems.  I liked that!  When we pray we can pray what the outcome is that we need, and ask the Lord to show us how to get there.  It changes the focus.

I so believe in the power of prayer!  My mom and Floyd's parents were all wonderful intercessors.  Their examples impacted our lives.  We have leaned into prayer all the 54 years of our life together......and we've seen so, so many answers to prayer.  We have experienced God being our counselor and guide time and time again.

"With your counsel you will guide me."  Psalm 73:24

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you."  Psalm 32:8

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying 'This is the way; walk in it.' "  Isaiah 30:21

"The Lord will guide you always."  Isaiah 58:11

I've been listening to and singing a song this week - "God will make a way, when there seems to be no way.  He works in ways we cannot see. He will make a way for me."  I'm so grateful that God counsels us, guides us, and makes a way for us when we face the challenges of life.  He has been so faithful to me!

Having grieved for my gentle giant for over 5 years, I was caught off guard by the profoundness of the final grief.  I have found that it comes in waves - often triggered by the smallest, simplest things.  The waves wash over me with gentle, sweet memories reminding me of treasures from our 54 years.

At first I didn't want the waves to come because I would find myself crying a lot.  It was rather draining.  But every time the wave came, I'd stop and talk to the Lord as I cried.  I began to see that each wave of grief was bringing healing.  I realized I needed to flow with the wave rather than resisting it.

Someone said to me that "grief is our receipt of having loved well."  I like that!  The reason I'm grieving is because I've lost something valuable.  It changed my perspective.  I could appreciate the grief rather than trying to stop it.

And the grieving process does indeed bring healing!  If I bottle up my grief, I won't receive the healing that my heart needs.  I know it will take some time, but I'm embracing the grieving, healing process - and allowing the Lord to minister His grace into each wave that comes my way.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  Psalm 34:18

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."  Matthew 5:4

"Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows."  Isaiah 53:4

"Jesus wept."  John 11:35

I’m so grateful that the Lord is my guide and wonderful counselor as I walk through the grieving and healing process too.  

Don't Forget to Remember

Before we go through hard times, we wonder how we'll do when they hit. This week marks 7 years since I was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  The original diagnosis was somewhat shocking as there were no symptoms.  When I realized I would need surgery and chemo, I wondered if I'd make it through all that.  You hear so many horror stories about chemo.  Then after the shock of the diagnosis, the journey itself has been somewhat shocking because of the severity of treatment.  I've had 8 surgeries, 4 types of chemo treatment - along with various "natural" treatments, and twice I almost got to heaven before Floyd.

Having said all that, my doctors say it's somewhat of a miracle that I'm still alive.  I agree!  God has wonderfully, miraculously kept me living.  I am so very grateful for that.  And, as I mentioned recently, the journey continues.  I still need prayer.  I still need people to "hold the ropes" for me.  I'm praying, and my grandkids are praying, that I'll still be around for many more years.

When I look back on all this, all I can think of is how wonderfully good and faithful the Lord has been to me.  While going through all the treatment, I was also caring for Floyd.  Honestly, I don't know how I made it - except for God's grace, our family, and lots of good friends walking with me.  God has been amazing!  When the Bible says His grace is "sufficient" for every need - it's really true!!

I read about a lady who was going to take her car through an automatic car wash.  She'd never done it before, and she was nervous.  As her car got on the conveyor belt, it was pelted with water, shampoo, brushes coming from everywhere......and she began to wonder if her car would get stuck in the midst of that.....or if she'd make it through.  Then suddenly the car was dried from blowers - and she was out the other side with a clean car.

It's a great example of going through the trials of life.  We get into situations that move us along.  All kinds of things "pelt" us.  We feel bombarded from every angle.  But with God's help, we make it through to the other side.  Sometimes it looks different when we get through the trials.  We may not get the exact answers we hoped for.  But we will get through it!  With God holding our hand and walking by our side, we'll make it.

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."  Isaiah 43:1-3

I have claimed the promise of that verse repeatedly the last 7years!  God has been faithful to get me through the waters, the rivers, and the fires.

After I wrote about the prayers of the believers "holding the ropes” for me a few weeks ago, one friend said she had an impression that many ropes had joined together and formed a swing.....for me to relax on and swing in peace.  I loved that visual image.  I need to rest, and I need peace.  I'm picturing myself swinging on those joined ropes!  Grateful for those holding the ropes!

One of Floyd's favorite songs was the children's chorus "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so."  He said it was simple, but profound theology.  It was not uncommon for him to lead out in it when he spoke.  I watched a video clip this week of when our friends Loren and Darlene Cunningham visited Floyd in the hospital a few years ago.  We sang this song together for Floyd because he loved it so much.

Someone sent me another children's song recently - "Don't Forget to Remember" by Ellie Holcomb.  I love it!  I've played it a number of times.  It expresses another profound truth - how important it is to remember God's goodness.  

Through the years of our unexpected journey - when I've hit a hard spot, when I faced a difficult day, when my heart was heavy, or when my faith was lagging - I would sit and "remember."  I would remember the many answers to prayer we've seen.  I'd remember how God had met us time and time again.  I would remember the abundant promises of God's goodness and faithfulness in the Word.  Unfailingly, as I "remembered" my heart was strengthened, my faith was boosted, and the difficult day seemed easier.  "Remembering" is a gift from the Lord to our hearts!!

Over and over in the Word we're told to remember, to not forget.  God knew how much remembering would help us!

The "Celebration of Life" memorial service for Floyd is coming up.  We want to remember God's goodness to Floyd and our family during his 75 years.  

"Remember this day in which you went out from Egypt, from the house of slavery; for by a powerful hand the Lord brought you from this place."  Exodus 13:3

"You shall remember all the ways which the Lord your God has led you in the wilderness these forty years."  Deuteronomy 8:2

"I remembered the word of the Lord."  Acts 11:16

"Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God."  Deuteronomy 8:11

I must be careful that I don't "forget to remember" all the ways God in His faithfulness has met me time and time again.  He is so good!

Step Up to the Plate

My days have changed - but in some ways not changed.  Instead of dealing with all the details of Floyd's care, I am now dealing with all the details of his passing.  So my life still seems full of things having to do with Floyd!  He's never far from my thoughts.

A line in a book I was reading recently jumped off the page to me.  "Sometimes things happen that you never expected, and all you can do is step up to the plate."  Wow - that resonated in my heart and mind!

A little over 5 years ago while I was still battling cancer, the unexpected hit big time with Floyd's illness.  Overnight everything in our lives was turned upside down, and our "unexpected journey" began.  I began to write prayer letters that turned into prayer updates because I knew we couldn't go it alone.  We needed prayer - lots and lots of prayer.

What I called my "roller coaster" proceeded day by day.  There were so many ups and downs that I couldn't keep up with them.  I've never liked roller coasters, and here I was on an endless one.  Going back to that line above - I guess I "stepped up," but really there wasn't any other option.  If I'm honest, I didn't want to step up!  It was hard to step up.  But I needed to care for Floyd, and I had to continue fighting cancer.  

Thankfully I wasn't alone.  God was holding my hand, staying right by my side, and undergirding me each step of the way.  Family and friends were helping in every way they could.  And so many dear ones were praying!

I am so grateful that I was carried by all of this on our journey. 

When the unexpected hits, we may feel inadequate to "step up to the plate."  I know I sure did!  But, as I said, there usually isn't any other option.  Thankfully we aren't stepping up alone.  His grace WILL be sufficient for our every need as we walk into that unknown journey.  He holds our right hand as we walk the new path.

There will ALWAYS be "things we never expected" in our lives.  We can't avoid them - it's part of life.  But I guess one of the key things I've learned on our unexpected journey is that God isn't surprised by the unexpected, and He won't abandon us as we walk through those things.  In fact, quite the opposite.  He helps us get through them - and He brings good out of them in His own unique way.  Only our wonderful God can do that.

My prayer is that each of us will press into His abundant grace when we have to "step up to the plate."  He will meet us with everything we need!

"My God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:19

"God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work."  2 Corinthians 9:8

"I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."  Jeremiah 29:11

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want."  Psalm 23:1

In the midst of the unexpected things of life, I'm so grateful that God still has plans to give us a future and a hope.  I don't know what my future holds, but God has kept hope alive in my heart.  He is so good and faithful!

This past Sunday was Father's Day.  It was our first one without Floyd.  Over the past 5+ years as Floyd has been sick, I have tried to still "celebrate" special days with him - a visit, a flower, a balloon, a song, a poster for his wall - whatever I could do to make it special.  

So on this first Father's Day without him, my daughter, my son, and I decided to have a FaceTime call together.  We laughed, told stories, I cried a few times, and we watched the sunset together.  We were amazed when we ended the call that we had been talking for over 2 hours.  It was a special way to honor Floyd.  

Someone sent me a message of Floyd speaking on "The Father Heart of God" from 1987.  I listened to it in honor of him too.  He begins with some humor.  It was so nice to hear his voice, and especially to hear his laugh.  My heart was warmed as I listened to him speaking about the Father and realizing he's now with Him!  I basked in the Father's love afresh as Floyd talked about how much He loves us.  You can listen to the message on the resources page on our website.

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!  And that is what we are!"  1 John 3:1

"Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then.....know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!"  Matthew 7:11,12

"Your Father knows what you need before you ask Him."  Matthew 6:8

"As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him."  Psalm 103:13

I am leaning into God's lavish love, trusting that He knows my needs, and receiving of His compassion on my days.  He is so good and faithful!  I couldn't make it without my wonderful Father. 

Holding the Ropes

I was watching the memorial tribute for Floyd by YWAM Amsterdam this past week, someone remarked that it was 50 years ago that we first started the house in Kabul, Afghanistan for the hippies/world travelers.  I hadn't counted up the years!  It was a long time ago, but the memories are fresh.  I'm so grateful for all the adventures we had.

Another wonderful tribute I watched was by Living Hope Church in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada.  Bob Leach pastored the church for many years - his son, Jason, is now the lead pastor.  They dedicated the Sunday service on May 30 to Floyd.  Bob shared his testimony of coming to Jesus in the house in Kabul.  It was powerful and moving.  He and Jason both shared lessons learned from Floyd.  Then they showed a clip from a 1973 interview with Floyd in Kabul that was done by CBS television.  I've never seen it!  It was fun to see and hear Floyd from all those years ago. 

All the comments, tributes, etc. that I have received and watched are so special.

Some of you may have seen in the news the story of a young woman who was recently on a TV talent show.  She sang a song she'd written that was about her journey with very serious cancer.  The song is called "It's Okay."  She shared that she only has a 2% chance of survival, but that that's better than zero percent.  She had such a wonderful, glowing outlook on the trial she's been through.  One of her final statements really touched me - "You can't wait until life isn't hard to be happy!"

I have been thinking a lot about that statement.  I realized that in the midst of our 5+ unexpected journey years......it's been very hard.....and yet, by God's grace, there has been happiness too.  The love and support of our family, the care from dear friends, the beauty around me, the prayers of so many around the world, the sense of being carried by the Lord - so many things have brought happiness and joy.  I'm so grateful for that!  I think when we walk with the Lord, He'll always bring His joy, His peace, and His happiness into the hardest trial.  He is so good, kind, and faithful!  I couldn't make it without Him.

"I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."  Ephesians 3:16-19

As I read these verses, they sum up the last few years.  He has strengthened me, He has poured out His love, and He has filled each day with His wonderful fullness......that, yes, includes being happy on hard days.  Oh how thankful I am!

This past weekend in my quiet time, I decided to listen to a message by Dick Foth - Holding the Ropes for Miracles.  I had no idea what it was about - but I still need a healing miracle and I wanted to learn anything that Dick had to share.  It's a very moving, personal account of the miracle of God saving the life of Dick's wife, Ruth.  As I listened to Dick's message on those who hold the ropes - I realized even more than I already was aware that all those reading my updates have "held the ropes" for us these 5+ years on our unexpected journey.  I am deeply thankful - from the bottom of my heart thankful - that so many have been there for us.  The love, faith, and prayers have held the ropes for us.  I'm so grateful!

We saw many miracles during those 5 years.  Actually there were several times when I thought Floyd would be entering heaven's gates, and we saw a miracle of God keeping him alive here on earth.  I don't understand it all, and I don't need to - I'm just grateful for the miracles.  And I'm grateful for all the prayers.

The last couple years we have prayed for “healing or heaven” for Floyd.  Of course we hoped for healing – but God chose heaven.  I trust that choice completely – and, ultimately, Floyd is now healed too.  He got both answers.

"I have set the Lord always before me.  Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."  Psalm 16:8

"Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge."  Psalm 62:8

"The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe."  Proverbs 18:10

He has been at my right hand - He has been my refuge - He is the strong tower I run to......I trust God to be with me as I continue the journey.  He has been so faithful!  And He is completely trustworthy. 

Floyd Finished His Race

This week was Floyd and my anniversary.  I wondered if it would be a sad day, but it wasn't.  It was a tender, sweet day.  The sun was shining - always something I'm grateful for! - and it was warmer than usual, especially for June.  I watched a sailboat on the bay.  My son brought me a special lunch, and we went for a little drive.  I had a 2 hour chat with my daughter.  A dear friend brought me a "double wick" candle.  I loved the symbolism of that.  It was a gentle day.

All through the day, I gave Jesus messages for Floyd.  I'm grateful for our 54 years together.  God has been good to us - we've had a rich, fulfilling life.  There have been some "bumps" in the road, but the journey has been blessed.  

The hospital informed me that they are keeping Floyd's room empty for a time in his honor, and to allow the staff time to mourn.  I was very touched by that gesture.  They loved Floyd so much.  I could not have managed without them.

I'm also very touched by all the comments, messages, emails, etc.  One of my favorite things to teach on through the years has been the topic of "encouragement."  Words matter!  The words of love are bringing precious comfort and encouragement to my heart.  So many have shared of Floyd's impact on their life when he spoke somewhere in the world.  I had the thought that it was worth every "sacrifice" of our family releasing Floyd to travel and speak.  It was hard sometimes, but there is now beautiful, eternal fruit from that in many lives.  What a blessing!  

YWAM in Holland did a zoom tribute last Sunday.  All Nations International is doing a zoom tribute/prayer time on June 24th.  Other events are in the planning.  I'm blessed that Floyd is being loved and honored.

We are in the time of year when our days are very short.  I often get up in the dark, and sit at the dining room table having breakfast.  One morning this week as I was sitting there, suddenly brilliant sunshine flooded into the room as the sun rose over the mountains to the east.  The light and warmth washed over me.  It was so beautiful.  I sensed the Lord saying to me that "sunshine" is coming for my heart, my soul, and my emotions too.  I received the promise of that!

"To proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.....to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.  They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."  Isaiah 61:2,3

God is giving beauty for ashes in my heart - beautiful, rich oil of joy instead of mourning.  He is faithful!

Floyd was a worshipper.  He loved to worship.  That is one of my sweet memories of him.  Someone sent me a precious photo of him with his hands raised in worship.  I've used it at the top of this post.  When he had his arms raised, his "wing span" was huge!  :)  I love keeping this image in my mind and thinking of him worshipping Jesus in person now!

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day - and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for His appearing."  2 Timothy 4:7,8

Floyd has now finished his race.  I’m so grateful to all who have honored him.  And for all the love and encouragement to me and our family!

Precious in the Lord's Sight

I have been so grateful for all the lovely messages and tributes that have been shared for my dear husband. I so appreciate the love and honor so many are extending to him. It comforts my heart. I have slowly been reading, "savoring" them.

We had prayed for "healing or heaven" for Floyd, and God chose heaven. I trust His wisdom in that. After grieving for over 5 years already, the grief is now "final." It is a profound grief in my heart. The tears are flowing, but they are bringing healing. I take comfort in knowing he is no longer suffering. I don't know how he endured.

Floyd's doctor told me that the hospital staff are in mourning. They loved Floyd, and considered him "family." He said that Floyd inspired them - his courage. He called him a warrior. And all this while Floyd could not speak a word. It had to be the presence of the Lord with him.

"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful servants." Psalm 116:15

Floyd is now with his beloved Jesus! He wanted to finish his life more and more in love with Jesus. I think his heart's desire was fulfilled.