Carried

With the exception of a few days at home, I have spent most of the last 6 weeks in the hospital.  It’s been an intense time, to say the least.

There are some days I don’t remember much about.  Those are days they tell me that my life was hanging by a thread.  It’s probably just as well that I don’t remember them.

When I think of a time like this - words come to mind: digging deep, pressing in, interceding, wrestling, not giving up.  In my mind’s eye I see myself fighting for my life!

In reality as I look back over this time the words that come to me are very different.  The clear word, in capital letters, is CARRIED!!!  It’s inscribed on my heart and mind.  I didn’t have to fight - I was carried.

I don’t understand all the details.  Was I carried by God?  By the Holy Spirit?  By Angels?  By the prayers of the saints?  By all the above?  I don’t know - I just know I was carried.

To be honest, I didn’t have the strength to wrestle or fight.  But I could lay in His arms of grace and be carried.  I think I am only now becoming fully aware that in my weakness, He carried me.  I somehow sense that the digging deep, the wrestling, the not giving up all happened long ago.  This wasn’t the time for that.  During this time I needed to let Him carry me - and He did.  I’m still relaxing in that!

“Like an eagle that stirs up its nest, that hovers over its young, He spread His wings and caught them, He carried them on His pinions”  Deuteronomy 32:11

“My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.“  Psalm 63:8

“The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”  Deuteronomy 31:8

“ He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.”  Psalm 103:14

Last Christmas I saw a silly/funny cartoon.  A little baby is laying in a manger of hay.  The baby has a halo around its head.  Standing on each side is a donkey and a cow.  One says to the other - "Dude, there's a baby in the salad."

It's a bit of Christmas humor - but it also makes a big point.  Jesus wasn't born into a cozy, comfy, color co-ordinated nursery.  Mary didn't get to make sweet preparations for the birth of her little baby.  A stable to give birth in, and a manger to lay the baby in weren't what moms would choose.

The king of the universe, the Son of God was born into the lowliest of low conditions.

I love Christmas - everything about it.  I never get tired of any of it.  Christmas this year, however, has been very different.  No shopping.  No decorations.  Not one single Christmas carol.  Not even a Christmas card.

Since Nov. 6, all but a few of my days have been spent in a hospital bed.  I know Christmas is coming in a couple weeks, but I’ve seen no physical evidence of it!

As I was reflecting on this, I realized that nothing has really changed though.  My heart rings with songs of His birth, in my mind’s eye I see the stable “salad,” I see the sky filled with the choirs of angels - but, most of all, my heart SINGS because of His birth!  I’m so grateful that Jesus came.

“And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call His name Jesus; for He shall save His people from their sins.”  Matthew 1:21

Thank you Jesus for coming!

Securely Rooted in Him

It’s been a while since I have been able to write.  After my surgery I took a really bad turn and had to be readmitted to hospital.  Honestly the photo I have used for this post is ME!  I feel empty.  I feel like something has been lost, and I feel like I’m looking for part of me that has disappeared.  The photo is so vivid.  It really describes everything I feel right now.  However, you will note that in the midst of all the emptiness and all the sand being gone and in the midst of so much that isn’t there, the one thing that is clearly there are the roots.  The roots have not disappeared.  The roots have not gone!!  The roots are strong and firm in the midst of everything else being washed away.  If you look closely at the picture literally everything around it is washed away and yet the roots are firm and secure and still there.  This is how I feel right now too!!

I have been through an unbelievable trial  –  in fact I’m still in the middle of it  –  and yet in the midst of feeling very empty in that trial I also feel very full because my roots are secure.  I can’t tell you how good that feels.  I don’t think I’d make it through the trial without those strong roots surrounding me in the midst of the emptiness and barrenness.  I’m so, so grateful.  In the midst of our relationship with the Lord this is truly what we can look like.  We can still stand, we can still be rooted because we are planted in Jesus.  We can even keep growing because our roots are deep in Him.  Hard times, difficult times don’t have to leave us barren.  We may look like it to outsiders, like we are barren but we’re not.  We’re strong, we’re firm, we’re rooted in Him because of who He is.

As of right now I have spent much of the last four and a half weeks in the hospital.  I still don’t know what’s ahead.  It’s a big question mark.  I am diligently working on eating well, working with my therapist to regain strength and doing everything on my part to rebuild but I still need some very big miracles.  One of the prayers on my heart is that I can be home for Christmas.  I would love to be in my own home, I would love to be with a few friends.  It will take some miracles in my body, it will take practical miracles and it will take a lot of the Lord’s help.  I have been so very very grateful to know that so many are praying for Floyd and me.  It has meant the world to me, to have those prayers carry me along and that so many are trusting with me for these miracles.  

Thankfully in the midst of all this Floyd is holding steady and doing ok, and God is good and He is faithful!

God is Even Bigger!

Floyd is doing well over all, but he was distressed when he heard about my surgery today.  The therapist said he moaned softly and cried gently - she spent time with him to calm him down, and prayed with him.  I tried to "downplay" it as much as possible, but I knew I needed to tell him about it.  I am praying for his heart.

This week has been a very rough time.  I have struggled with high levels of pain which is why the doctor rushed to get my surgery date for today.  I'm so grateful for all the prayers and encouragements I have received.  

The surgery will be a big one - 4 surgeons involved, all working in their area of specialty.  This will be my 7th surgery, and my doctor reminds me it will be the biggest one I've faced yet........but I keep declaring that God is even bigger!!  I have to be honest and say that it's a bit daunting to me - but I also feel content and at peace.  It's a strange combination of feelings!

I'm reading a book with this dedication:  "To those who have learned that brokenness can be the door to blessing."  I love that.  I think it expresses what we have walked through the last few years.  We have experienced brokenness, pain, suffering - but also God's goodness, grace, strength, and faithfulness.  It has been both a difficult, and a precious time.

I remind myself of this as I face the daunting surgery ahead.   I look for the blessings!  And I continue to pray for miracles - in whatever way God wants to bring them.  

I would feel alone if it weren't for the fact that I know there are so many holding up my weak arms in prayer.  I am so grateful for that.  With the support of those prayers, and God's help!!!, I'll make it through

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."  1 Corinthians 10:13 

He is With Us Each Step of the Way

Floyd has had an uneventful week.  After all the roller coaster ups and downs we've been through with his situation, uneventful weeks are a huge blessing and answer to prayer!!

Last Sunday marked 14 years that we have been in South Africa.  The years have flown by.  I vividly remember so many things from our transition here - starting over yet once more to pioneer something, but this time in our "older" years.  We had a confidence that God was leading us, but there was also trepidation because we were no longer young and strong.  We need not have feared - God was with us each step of the way!  It's been wonderful to see how He has met us.

The last few years were not part of the plan - to put it mildly!  But, as always, God has been with us.  Someday we'll understand all that He is doing in this season.  He is as trustworthy in these hard years as He's been in all the good, fruitful years.  He is unchanging!

I still have one more test that I need to do, but the doctors have said that surgery is my best option.  It is daunting.  There is a high possibility that a number of the surrounding organs would be negatively impacted.  I continue to pray for a miracle of healing!!  I'm asking God to make the tumor shrivel up and die.  He tells us we can ask!!  So I'm boldly asking.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."  Matthew 11:28,29

"Therefore the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you; and....that he may have mercy on you.  For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are those who wait for Him."  Isaiah 30:18

"I will lift up my eyes to the hills - from whence comes my help?  My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth."  Psalm 121:1,2

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.' "  Lamentations 3:22-24

I could not make it through even one day without the Lord's salvation, compassion, help, mercy, goodness, and rest.  He is so good, so faithful!  My eyes stay focused on Him in yet another turn on our unexpected journey.

On our unexpected journey these last few years, I have clung to the verse that His "grace is sufficient" for every need and His "power made perfect in weakness."  I would never have survived without the truth of that promise being manifested in my life daily.  I am so grateful.

As I've faced this new challenge, I remind myself of this powerful truth continually.  Anxiety rears its head occasionally.  Some days I feel nervous when I think of the big surgery that I'm told I need.  A couple times I found myself feeling very alone.  But I have to also say that underneath everything is the consistent, never-failing, always available, strong sense of His grace!  It doesn't go away.  It doesn't disappear when faced with the "wreckage of adversity."  It has truly been a grace for the long haul of this journey!   

When the anxiety or nervousness pops up, I find it such a help to speak out the truth of God's promises from the Word.  I quote them, I sing them, I pray them - and pretty soon my peace is restored.  Doing this feels like a "tool" God has placed in my hand to use that is anointed by His spirit to combat any weapon the enemy throws my way.  I am grateful for the weapons of warfare that God has given us. 

" 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."  2 Corinthians 12:9

"For the word of God is alive and active.  Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."  Hebrews 4:12

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path."  Psalm 119:105

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."  Hebrews 4:16

"He gives more grace."  James 4:6

I continue to pray for miracles - while I rest in His wonderful, all sufficient grace that carries me day by day!  His "wraparound presence" surrounds me.

His Wraparound Presence

I read these words in one of Sarah Young's devotionals quite some time ago, and they have stuck with me:

"When you are suffering and your troubles seem endless, remember I am tenderly present in your afflictions.  Instead of lamenting the way things are, search for me in the wreckage of adversity.  You will not fail to find me 'when you search for me with all your heart.' "

I can identify with the "wreckage of adversity" right now, and I am going to need to press in deeper to the grace and strength of the Lord.  The results of my recent scan were not what I was hoping for.  In spite of all the treatment I've been through this year, the tumor has continued growing.  It is now quite large.  I need to do some more testing - but treatment options are limited and daunting.

To be honest, I felt nauseous when I got the call from my oncologist.  She called me almost the minute she got the report.  I'm so grateful she didn't keep me waiting.  She's really a wonderful doctor!  

I talked to my family, and spent time talking to the Lord.  The news was disheartening, disappointing, but I know I need to keep my eyes on Him and not on the overwhelming circumstances.  I'm not giving up hope on praying for a miracle!!  And I'm trusting for wisdom for all the decisions I'll need to make in the coming days and weeks.

I recently read this quote from Corrie ten Boom:  "There's nothing too great for God's power.  Nothing too small for His love.  God has no problems, only plans."  I'm trusting for His plans for my future.

David said in Psalm 139:16 - "You saw me before I was born.  Every day of my life was recorded in your book.  Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."  I know my days are in His hands - which is a wonderful place to be.

I have spent time asking God to help me get my equilibrium back!  I feel like my emotions and my heart were swung way over on the overwhelming/impossible side after this news.......and I wanted to get my heart fully back on the side of keeping my eyes on the Lord and trusting Him.  

As I fixed my eyes on Him, my heart, my mind, and my emotions have settled into a gentle peace.  There are still discussions, tests, and decisions ahead in the coming days/weeks - but I'm trusting God to help me one-day-at-a-time.  It's hard to not rush ahead into the what ifs and all the possibilities.  My mind wanders there if I'm not careful.  But I know I need to be careful, and I most definitely need to keep my eyes on Him and my hand safely in His.

"You will seek me and find me, when you search for me with all your heart.  I will be found by you, says the Lord."  Jeremiah 29:13,14

"He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."  Psalm 91:4

"Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."  Hebrews 4:16

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear; I will help you.' "  Isaiah 41:13 

God has been my faithful help every step of the way on this unexpected journey.  I know my results were not a surprise to Him.  I know He will help me walk through what's ahead.  And I'm greatly comforted to know I’m covered by the prayers of so many!

As I have taken some quiet, restful days to spend time with the Lord this week, it has been precious!  His Spirit has ministered fresh grace and strength to my heart.  

"I am standing in absolute stillness, silent before the one I love, waiting as long as it takes for Him to rescue me.  Only God is my Savior, and He will not fail me.  For He alone is my safe place.  His wrap-around presence always protects me as my champion defender.  There's no risk of failure with God!  So why would I let worry paralyze me, even when troubles multiply around me?  God's glory is all around me!  His wrap-around presence is all I need, for the Lord is my Savior, my hero, and my life-giving strength.  Join me, everyone!  Trust only in God every moment!  Tell Him all your troubles and pour out your heart-longings to Him.  Believe me when I tell you - He will help you!  Pause in His presence."  Psalm 62:5-8  TPT

I love this passage about the wrap-around presence of God.  We're in the spring season in South Africa right now.  One day the weather can be lovely and warm - and the next day it can be quite chilly and cool.  On a recent day when I was spending time with the Lord, I was feeling cold.  I was wrapped in a warm fleece blanket - very cozy and comforting.  I thought of this verse - and imagined God's sweet presence being wrapped around me like the blanket.  I could almost feel His warm, tender embrace.  I know He is holding me, carrying me right now.

There are many things that I've missed on our unexpected journey.  My friendship with Floyd - especially being able to talk with him.  I miss his encouragement and support.  I miss his counsel and wisdom.  But one of the things I miss the most are his big bearhugs.  I'm probably not the only one to miss those because he was always warm and loving in giving his big father's hugs to everyone.  I was thinking about this as I read about the Lord's "wrap-around" presence.  Floyd can't hug me right now - but the Lord can! 

God has helped me persevere on our journey.  He has been so faithful.  When the doctor explained to me the other day what I may be facing in my treatment in the coming time, it was daunting!  But God has reminded me of His goodness to me.  He has never left me.  He has been with me 24/7.  He never slumbers or sleeps.  He is only a whisper away.  He is closer than the air I breathe.  It puts things back in perspective when I remember who He is!  I look to Him for fresh strength and fresh courage.

"I will lift up my eyes to the hills - from whence comes my help?  My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth."  Psalm 121:1,2

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."  Hebrews 4:16

"I have set the Lord always before me.  Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."  Psalm 16:8

“The eternal god is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.”  Deuteronomy 33:27

Come what may in the weeks ahead, I'm grateful I can rest in His "wrap-around" presence.  He is with me! 

God Will Make A Way

Floyd is holding steady.  No big ups or downs.  "Steady" is good, and an answer to prayer.  The therapist said he was very moved when I told him I'm going through all my checkups, and asked him to pray for me.

As I got ready for my checkups this week my heart has had hope and faith for good reports, for good news - and, at the same time, I have asked God to prepare my heart for whatever news I get.  It feels like a delicate balancing act sometimes!  I know God is with me, and He'll help me - because He has helped me so faithfully all this time on our unexpected journey.

I love how God speaks so clearly, so personally into the life situations that we face.  I truly couldn't make it without Him!  While my physical body is crying out for His touch, this week my heart has also been burdened for a number of things.  Some family members need a touch from Him.  I have several dear friends who are in need of His healing ministry.  And I got word that a lady who worked with us in Amsterdam lost her battle with cancer this week.  One day in particular it seemed that I just kept getting "heavy" news.

I sat quietly, talking to the Lord, and lifting all these needs to Him.  And as I waited, He brought several things to my attention that just helped it all come into focus afresh from His perspective.  He's so good to do that!

The first thing is a song that I've been listening to over and over, "You're Still God"  by Philippa Hanna.  When our heart is breaking - when we have heavy questions - when we can't see what's before us - even when hope has faded.......He still reigns and He's still God.  We can trust His heart.  He's with us.  He never leaves us, never forsakes us.  He is good and faithful.  This song has been an anthem in my heart this week.  HE STILL REIGNS AND HE'S STILL GOD!!!!

Then I was watching The Chosen series again.  I love the rooftop scene with Jesus and Nicodemus.  Jesus says to Nicodemus "blessed are those who take refuge in me," and Jesus holds him in His arms.  I cry every time I watch that scene.  I can almost feel Jesus holding me!  He is my refuge.  I can always run to Him.

And then I was reminded of something someone sent me.  The visual says "God will make a way for you."  God is going before the person in the visual and opening up a way when there is literally nothing there!  He does that for us!

As these things came to me, the burdens were lifted and put into their proper focus.  God still reigns - He's my refuge - and He opens up ways for me in impossible situations.  I received comfort and strength from these reminders.  How very faithful He is to speak so specifically to my heart!

"The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms."  Deuteronomy 33:27

"In the fear of the Lord there is strong confidence, and His children will have refuge."  Proverbs 14:26

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."  Psalm 46:1

"Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.' "  Matthew 19:26 

"Nothing will be impossible with God."  Luke 1:37

He Reigns.  He's our Refuge.  And He makes a Road for us in the wilderness of whatever we're facing.  How wonderfully good and awesome He is.  I love Him and praise Him!

I had a particularly sweet quiet time on Sunday.  I think probably because I just spent time in the Lord's presence - soaking in His love and grace, His comfort and encouragement.  I kept thinking of what a difference Jesus makes in my life.  I couldn't make it through one day, one hour, probably not even one minute without Him!  I am so, so grateful for His presence in my life.

It reminded me of yet another scene in "The Chosen" series.  I keep referring to the series because God has spoken to me so many times through it as I've watched it.  I thought of the scene where someone is asking Mary Magdalene what had happened to her.  She had been in a terrible state - filled with demonic oppression, her life ravaged with sadness and terror.......and then she was different.  You could see the visible change.  She was a totally different person - free, happy, full of joy.  It's powerful to see it visually in the series.

Trying to explain what had happened to her she said - "I was one way, and now I'm completely different.  And the thing that happened in between was Him."  I love that.  Jesus is what happens in our lives that makes the difference.  And He keeps coming into our lives day by day.....continually making a difference.  I can't thank Him enough!

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."  John 3:16

"Thanks be to God.  He gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."  1 Corinthians 15:57

"Jesus is able to save completely those who come to God through Him, because He always lives to intercede for them."  Hebrews 7:25

Jesus taught - "whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."  Matthew 16:25

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  Philippians 1:6

Everybody has troubles, but not everybody has Jesus.  Jesus makes the difference!  How grateful I am for the difference He makes in my life every day. 

No Prayer is Ignored

Floyd's doctor told me that he's had a peaceful week.  Everything is the same with his condition.  I am so grateful to the Lord that Floyd did so well this winter - probably the best winter he's had since he became sick, and we had some very, very cold weather - some big storms.  I am so grateful for all the prayers going up for us.  Prayer is powerful!  

I have a little imaginary scenario in my mind of what happens when our prayers are lifted heavenward.  I see a prayer command room with a giant celestial chalk board.  Multitudes of angels are rapidly recording all our prayers.  They consult with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit to determine how to answer the prayers.  Do they answer them immediately?  Do they align them with plans and purposes of what they are already working on?  Do they hold them for later?  They carefully weigh the best way to answer each prayer.  Not one prayer is tossed aside.  There's great activity as each prayer is received.  As I said, this is just my imaginary way of visualizing how it works - but one thing I know for certain is that no prayer is ignored!

We sometimes get frustrated when our prayers don't see immediate results.  I think of the severe drought we faced here in Cape Town in the summer months of 2019 (Dec. 2018, Jan. - March 2019).  We were running out of water.  In fact there was concern that Cape Town would be the first large city in the world to go completely dry.  The dams/reservoirs that hold the water for the city were getting lower and lower.  They looked like beds of sand. 

We were on strict water rationing.  There was a time limit on our showers.  We could only flush our toilets when absolutely necessary - we saved shower water for that.  Clothes were worn over and over before washing them.  No lawns or gardens could be watered.  No cars could be washed.  If we managed to save some rain water, then we could give our dry plants a little drink.  If households went over a certain amount of water usage, they were fined.

It was a dire situation!  We got a little rain, so thankfully we never went completely dry - but everything in life changed from the water shortage.  I don't think we'll ever forget that summer!  We are all still very, very careful with our water usage.  Many, many prayer meetings were held.  I think many who don't even believe in God were calling out to Him for relief.

Fast forward to this winter (June - Sept.).  We've had rain, rain, rain!!  We're all tired of it, but we realize what a blessing it is......and an answer to prayer, even if it didn't come as quickly as we had hoped in the summer of the drought.  ALL the dams are full - the largest one, is full and overflowing for the first time in a decade.  It is truly an answer to all those prayers that were lifted up!  

Quite a few months ago I asked two friends to pray with me for a situation.  We've prayed diligently, but didn't see any answers.  Then recently something changed.  Almost daily there are changes - answers to those prayers.  It's like a door was unlocked and the answered prayers are now rushing through!

From day one of Floyd becoming ill I have prayed many prayers - but one prayer I have prayed daily.  "Lord, may all of your plans and purposes for this season be fulfilled."  I confess that I don't fully understand this season, but I know the character of God and I know He is always at work to accomplish things that are on His heart. 

When Floyd first got sick, the doctors said he might survive a few weeks - then a few months - then a year - then 18 months.  Now they have no idea.  They can't figure it out.  The staff at the hospital love him and make him comfortable, but no one has a prognosis for the future.  God may heal him, or He may take him home to heaven.  I trust Him!  But the one thing I keep praying is that every plan and purpose on the heart of God for this season will be fulfilled!  

My mom, my Aunt Lillian, Floyd's Mom and Dad - they all prayed diligently for Floyd and me through the years.  I believe we have many times walked in the fulfillment of their prayers without even knowing it.  I remember when we were praying about moving our family into the Red Light District in Amsterdam.  It was a big decision.  We asked my mom and Floyd's parents to pray with us.  I was particularly concerned about my mom.  I didn't know what this little Texas grandmother would think of the idea of us taking her two grandchildren into that neighborhood.  

Much to my surprise, my mom responded that she was all for it.  She told us how as a new, young Christian she wanted to work in the red light district in the port city of Galveston where she lived.  She was told she couldn't do that - she was too new in the Lord, and it was too big a challenge for her.  She obeyed that advice - but she prayed.  She prayed for Galveston, but she also prayed that somewhere, someday, someone in her family could work in a red light district and see many women come to know Jesus.  I never knew any of that.  What we were wanting to do was an answer to her prayers many, many years later.  And many of the women did come to know Jesus!

God woke me up one morning this week with all of this on my mind and flooding into my heart.  I got up early out of bed to start writing this down.  I want to encourage you that your prayers are important - even when you don't see immediate answers.  God, in His wisdom, knows how and when to answer them.  We can trust Him with that - but our part is to keep praying!!

No matter how difficult things seem, no matter how much things seem out to control, no matter how heavy our hearts are - God is at work and He hears every prayer we are lifting to Him.  There WILL be answers in His perfect timing.  We must just be faithful to do our part in praying.  It is so important that we pray, pray, pray in the midst of all the problems around us.  Every single prayer is heard in heaven!!

"For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their prayer."  1 Peter 3:12

"And this is the confidence that we have toward Him, that if we ask anything according to His will He hears us."  1 John 5:14

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."  Mark 11:24 

"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles."  Psalm 34:17

"If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land."  2 Chronicles 7:14

I don't think I would have been able to persevere all this time on our unexpected journey if it wasn't for the prayers around the world that help sustain me.  I am so very grateful.  

I had my check-up appointment this week which went well.  I'll have more next week.  Anxiety always pops its head up when I have these check-ups.  It doesn't matter how many times I've gone through this process.  I'm having to go to new levels of "casting my cares on Him" and receiving His peace.

I recently read a verse that I'm sure I've read before, but it hasn't struck me like it did this time.

"Jesus did many other miraculous signs in the presence of His disciples, which are not recorded in this book.  But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in His name."  John 20:30,31

I'm so grateful for the record of the miracles of Jesus......and I've sometimes thought - there must have been many more.  I wish we knew all of them.  But the miracles didn't stop when Jesus died.  There are miracles coming from the Father and the Son every day.  I'm so grateful we serve a miracle working God! 

I feel fresh boldness and courage rising in my heart to ask Him for present day miracles.  I ask Him daily for His miracle working power to be released in a number of situations.  It seems like every direction I look, there are situations that need miracles.  So much pain, sickness, turmoil, and need.  It must break the Father's heart to see His creation, His children in such distress!

I've had a front row seat to some miracles in my lifetime.  Sometimes I had great faith in asking God to move.  At other times I had pretty much no faith, but I still asked.  The thing is - it's not dependent on us!  It's God's power at work - our part is to ask.

I saw a YouTube video recently called Battle at Kruger.  There's a herd of majestic Cape Buffalos with a young buffalo among them - and some lions are watching, waiting to go for that baby for their dinner.  The Buffs get quite close, and the lions go for it......grabbing the baby, chasing it into the water nearby.  The lions have hold of the baby and are trying to drag it out of the water when 2 crocodiles try to steal their dinner.  They wrestle and the lions win.  They drag it out of the water, and are crouching over it......when here come the WHOLE herd of buffalos!

It's such a powerful moment.  I got goose bumps.  Someone on the video said there were a hundred of them.  I don't know for sure, but there were a lot.  A massive wall of them came towards the lions - at one point throwing one of the lions in the air.  Lions are known as the king of the jungle, but they were no match for this massive herd of powerful buffalos. 

I sat thinking after I watched the video - and had the clear impression....that's what God does for us.  We may be in a difficult battle, it may look like we've lost, we may have been fought over by various predators......but then the mighty army of God comes to our rescue......in full force, in power, in might!  It truly felt like I'd watched a spiritual battle.....and I felt like rejoicing.  I identify with the baby buffalo.....but the army of God has come to my rescue in difficult times over and over again.  I'm so grateful to Him.

I love lions - but in this video I was cheering for the Cape Buffalos.  The visual imagery of their "win" was powerful!  And it built fresh faith in my heart to pray for victories, for miracles.

"He sent from on high, He took me; He drew me out of many waters.  He rescued me from my strong enemy, from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me.  They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my support.  He brought me out into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me."  2 Samuel 22:17-20

"How long, O Lord, will you look on?  Rescue me from their destruction, my precious life from the lions!"  Psalm 35:17

"He delivers and rescues; He works signs and wonders in heaven and on earth, He who has saved Daniel from the power of the lions."  Daniel 6:27 

"You are the God who works wonders; You have made known your strength among the peoples."  Psalm 77:14

No matter how dire our situation, no matter how big our need, no matter how great a miracle we need......He is able!  He is the same yesterday, today, and forever!!  How awesome is He. 

Follow the Ancient Paths

Floyd is doing okay.  The prayer on my heart for him this week has been for encouragement.  I can't begin to imagine how hard this journey has been for him.  I know it's been hard for me, and his situation is more difficult.  We had an offshore earthquake a few nights ago.  I heard something, but didn't feel anything where I am.  The fault line runs near where Floyd is.  Many people around him felt the shaking.  I would love to know if Floyd felt it.  I thought of Paul and Silas' prison doors being opened during an earthquake.  I would so love for Floyd's "prison" to be shaken open!  I continue to pray for breakthrough for him.

I have had several rough days this week. :(  I continue to ask the Lord for strength and healing too.

I read a verse this week that caught my attention:  "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls."  Jeremiah 6:16

I've been reflecting on the "ancient paths" in my life.  My mom, my Aunt Lillian, Floyd's parents and grandparents were all ones who set an example for us.  They led the way.  They showed us how to go.  They taught us, they mentored us, and they proclaimed the "good way."  I am so very grateful for their influence in our lives.

In our current pandemic world - with a lot of chaos and confusion swirling around us, it is more important than ever to look to the ancient way, the good way.  That is the only way we will find the rest we need for our souls.  We can only do that as we keep our eyes on the Lord, stay tucked in close to Him, and trust Him with all our hearts.

As our unexpected journey continues on, I am keenly aware that I couldn't make it if I hadn't been shown the "ancient path" - the way of the Lord - through it.  He has been my Rock, my Refuge, my strength, my help, my sufficiency, my courage, my provider, my daily source of grace.  The ancient ways of the Lord are a "good way" to walk.  These ways, this path, is where I have found the rest that my soul needs.

When I hit the rough spots in life, it's so important to remember that God is good.  Whatever I'm going through, God hasn't changed - the ancient way is still the same.  I  have to keep my eyes on Him, not on the disturbing events around me.  I have to trust Him for however long the journey continues.  We live in an "instant world."  I think all of us want things to be over quickly, but God doesn't look at it the same way we do.  He knows our times and seasons.  He is sovereign in our lives.  He is working for good in each and every situation we face.  Whether I understand, whether I'm strong or weary, whatever happens - I resolve to trust Him with all my heart, because that's where my true rest can be found.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."   Matthew 11:28-30

"How blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in His ways."  Psalm 128:1

"He knows the way I take; when He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold."  Job 23:10

"He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?"  Micah 6:8

As we follow the ancient paths, the good ways - there is rest for any situation we're facing because He is our help and guide.

The friend who helps manage the FaceBook Prayer page sends me the responses to each update.  I am always blessed and encouraged by the messages of love and support.  Someone wrote recently that God has used what I have written to prepare her heart for unexpected difficulty and suffering that she may encounter in the future.  She wrote that often when something surprising happens the first response is denial......we may think "why is this happening to me?"  The denial can actually freeze us and keep us from responding appropriately.

This got me thinking.  She's right!  We need to prepare our hearts for the unexpected - a trial, a disappointment, an illness, a loss......we need to be ready to face it.  We can, very simply, turn TO God or AWAY from Him by our response.  We may not even mean to turn away from Him, but if we aren't purposefully turning to Him - that's what we're doing.  We need to determine ahead of time, before we face something, that we will choose to turn our hearts to the Lord.  We need to get ready!  We can't make it in our own strength.  We need Him!  

I've written about it before, but this brought to mind again the beauty of "kintsukuroi" (also known as kintsugi) pottery in Japan.  It's the art of repairing broken pottery with gold.  The piece becomes more beautiful and more valuable because of the repair work that has been done.  

When we go through hard times we often feel broken.  Life itself can feel shattered and in pieces.  But we serve a God who picks up the pieces, pours the "gold" of His love into our lives, and redeems the pain turning it into beauty.  We can't do this ourselves, but the Master Potter can!  The hard time is not the end!  God uses the difficulty to make us more like Him with His gold repair work in our lives. The piece of pottery is beautiful....more so for the gold worked into it.  In the same way our lives become more beautiful as we allow Him to work in our suffering. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:5,6

"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:31

"With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."  Matthew 19:26

"Count it all joy when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness."  James 1:2,3

"Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name.  When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him."  Psalm 91:14,15

When sharing with a friend this week, I was reminded of the words to an old song we sang in church when I was growing up:

"It will be worth it all when we see Jesus.

Life's trials will seem so small when we see Him.

One glimpse of His dear face,

All sorrow will erase.

So bravely run the race

Till we see Christ."

Everything we go through is worship to Jesus.  :)  And He gives us the grace to make it through!  When we turn our hearts to Him in the hard times, He puts the pieces of our broken hearts back together with His loving oil of healing.  He doesn't reject us or throw us away in our brokenness.  He pours "gold" into the heartache and redeems beauty from the ashes.  We can become strong in our broken places.  How good He is! 

Rooted in Him

I send video messages to Floyd since I am not able to go and see him.  One of the things I miss about not seeing him is being able to "gauge" for myself how he's doing.  Although he can't speak, he has many ways of communicating.  Over time I've learned to understand his responses.  This week I was sharing some big news with him.  I asked the therapist to let me know how he responded.  She described very clearly what his facial expressions, movements, and sounds were.  It was so helpful.  I knew exactly what he was "saying," and, even more, I knew he was understanding my messages.  It was really encouraging to my heart.  

I've mentioned before that some intense and stressful things have been happening in recent weeks for me.  My heart has been heavy for our family and for several close friends.  I have prayed and prayed and prayed - and there have been some sweet, specific answers to prayer.  I am so grateful!  The last few days I have been resting and recovering as I was quite weary from everything.  Probably because I'm tired, I was also missing Floyd more than normal.

Two years ago for my 70th birthday, I went through 7 tubs!!! of photos in our storage.  We always planned to organize them "some day," but that day never came.  As a birthday gift to myself, I went through the tubs and selected photos to put together an album of "through the years" of memories.  It was fun, but it took me about a week to go through all the tubs. 

I also found stacks and stacks of letters that we had written to each other.  Floyd lived in Calif. and I was in Texas, so we mainly got to know each other through our letter writing.  I would have loved to have taken time to read all those letters!!  The one thing I wanted to do was to find the note and letter where Floyd proposed to me.....but I wasn't quite sure where to start with all those stacks.  I prayed and just randomly grabbed a small stack.......and there was the letter I wanted.  That was very kind of the Lord to direct me!!!  I have read it many times since then.  I even shared it with my grandkids when they were here at Christmas.

In 1966 Floyd and I were part of a YWAM outreach to the Caribbean islands.  To train and prepare, we were all together at a Boy Scout camp in Jamaica.  There was no dating, of course, but we did sit together in the meetings.  I was remaining in Jamaica for the summer, and Floyd was going to the Leeward and Windward Islands.  Shortly before the teams were sent out, Floyd proposed to me.  It wasn't the most romantic setting, although he says it was under the beautiful Jamaican moon.  We were standing in line after the evening meeting to get a cool drink before we went to our tents for the night.  He handed me a note that said "I love you - will you marry me?"  I was so shocked that I turned around and walked off!!  But he gave me a letter too.  The letter was much sweeter and more specific. That's the letter I found in the photo tubs.  The next morning at breakfast, just so you know, I handed him a note and a letter.  My note said "I love you too - yes!" 

A sweet little aside to this story - there's no dating in YWAM, but Darlene Cunningham saw the friendship between Floyd and me.  She assigned me to do the food shopping, and asked Floyd to be my driver. :)  It gave us a chance to spend some time together!  Floyd and I talked many times through the years of how special and thoughtful that was.

This week as I was missing Floyd, I got that proposal letter out and read it again.  It started a wave of memories of our life through the years.  We were so young when we married (18 and 21).  We had lots of energy, about a "thimbleful" of wisdom, and tremendous zeal.  We wanted to share Jesus with the world!  We were willing to lay down our lives for Him.  We were willing to go anywhere to serve Him.  We knew there were many adventures in store for us.

As these waves of memories flooded my mind, tears came to my eyes in worship to the Lord!  We had so little to offer Him in our youthful zeal, and yet He used us.  I thought back to events in our lives when we saw miracles, breakthroughs, and many come to know Jesus.  Looking back, I'm not even quite sure how it all happened except for the goodness and power of the Lord.  He showed up time and time again, and His Spirit moved in remarkable ways.  I worshipped my way through 53 years of our married life.  God has been so good to us! 

God spoke so clearly to me after all this that He is still working in our lives.  It's sometimes hard to see that.  Some days I feel so weak and weary, but thinking back over all that has happened through our lives......it's wasn't  dependent on me, on us in our life together......it's because of who God is.  We bring our 5 loaves and 2 fish to Him and He uses them for His honor and glory.  I believe He is still working in our lives on this unexpected journey, even if I don't understand it all.

I felt very clearly to say this same thing to anyone who is reading this.  God wants to use YOU!  You may feel weak and weary like me.  You may feel that things in your life are out of control.  You may feel that you have little to offer.  You may feel that you've failed Him in the past.  You may be discouraged by things that are happening in our world.  You may be without hope.  But God is alive IN you, and He wants to work in and through you.  Just offer up your loaves and fish and let Him be God in your life!

" 'Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?' - Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted.  He did the same with the fish. - 'Gather the pieces that are left over.  Let nothing be wasted.'  So they gathered them and filled twelve baskets with the pieces of the five barley loaves left over by those who had eaten."  John 6:9,11,12,13

" ' My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.'  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me."  2 Corinthians 12:9

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."  Isaiah 40:29

"I can do all this through Him who gives me strength."  Philippians 4:13

The memories of how God has been with us all these years was a refreshing balm to my heart this week.  I'm so grateful! 

All through my life, through my walk with the Lord, one of my goals has been to be rooted in the Lord.  On good days, on hard days, through trials, through sickness, through disappointments - I've always known that my "salvation" was to be deeply rooted and grounded in the Lord.  There have been lots of ups and downs over the years - that's life.  But the thing that has carried me through everything is knowing and trusting God, and staying close to Him.

I remember two times when things happened that were so hard.  I complained to Floyd that it "just wasn't fair."  I can see in my mind's eye very clearly one of the conversations.  Floyd listened, and said he tended to agree with me - but "fairness" wasn't the issue.  We had to deal with the situation, and the only way we could survive it all was to keep our eyes on the Lord, and our hearts turned to Him.

In a recent "hard time" I kept thinking about how grateful I was that my roots are in Him.  Right at that time a friend sent me a short video clip.  I don't know the source.  There's a lady speaking, and it looks like it might be a Caribbean island.  She references Hurricane Irma from 2017 - a powerful category 5 hurricane that struck a number of Caribbean islands and then Florida on the US mainland.

She is showing a large palm tree that was struck down by the hurricane.  It looks dead - until you look all the way to what would have been the top of the tree, and you see green branches!  Amazingly, there is still life in that struck down tree!  Then she shows that although most of the roots are pulled up, there are still a few that remain "rooted."  It's a powerful illustration!

Through whatever trial and hardship we may go through, if we have roots in Him - there can still be life and hope.  It doesn't matter if we've been struck down.  It doesn't matter if it looks like we're lifeless.  It doesn't matter if it even looks hopeless.  If we have our roots in Him, He can still bring life through us!!  It's His power being made strong in our weakness.

"Let your roots grow down into Him, and let your lives be built on Him.  Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught."  Colossians 2:7

"Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.  They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.  It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.  It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."  Jeremiah 17:7,8

"For there is hope for a tree, when it is cut down, that it will sprout again, and its shoots will not fail.  Though its roots grow old in the ground and its stump dies in the dry soil, at the scent of water it will flourish and put forth sprigs like a plant."  Job 14:7-9

"And when the sun rose, it was scorched, and since it had no root, it withered away."  Mark 4:6

"But since they have no root, they last only a short time.  When trouble or persecution comes....they quickly fall away."  Mark 4:17

Some days I feel struck down like that tall palm tree.  But because my roots are in Him, He allows life and hope to stay alive!  How good and faithful He is!

Slippery Slope of Worry

The doctor tells me that Floyd usually greets her with a smile - so special.  I find it amazing and admirable that after all this time and all Floyd has been through, he's still smiling!  I thank the Lord almost every day for the wonderful care he receives.  It means so much for my heart!  I continue to pray for his heart to be encouraged, for God's grace to be abundant, and for the Lord's presence to fill his room.

On my side there have been a number of things on my heart in recent days - with friends, with family, with our situation.  I've had moments when my heart has been heavy and troubled.  I have found myself calling out for the Lord's peace......a peace that only the Lord can give - one that is totally apart from the circumstances of life.  A peace that "passes understanding."  

I was reading in John 20 when the disciples were gathered together after the crucifixion.  The doors were locked.  They were discouraged.  They were fearful.  It must have felt as if their whole world had come crashing down on them.  Jesus came and stood among them after His resurrection.  The first words He said were "peace be with you!"  He knew what they needed.  They needed that peace, that comfort that can only come from the Lord.

In the midst of our current circumstances - with needs all around us, with a global pandemic that rages on, with things that seem to be out of control on so many levels......He speaks peace to our hearts.  He ministers peace to my heart in the face of things that I don't know how to manage.  I have a simple prayer that I pray.  "Help me Jesus.  Fill me with your peace.  Show me your way."  I whisper His name continually.  I keep my eyes on Him.  I speak out my trust. 

And - He is there....with His peace to meet me.

"You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You."  Isaiah 26:3

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6,7

"These things I have spoken to you, that in me you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."  John 16:33

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."  John 14:27

As God ministers His peace to our hearts, the overflow of that begins to impact the situations we are concerned about.  I'm so grateful for His peace. 

I have to admit that in spite of my desire and commitment to not worry, worry has indeed seeped in at times in recent days with several things that have been happening.  It's amazing how quickly "prayer" can turn to "worry" if we don't keep a tight control on our thoughts!  

A friend sent me a quote from Timothy Keller - "To worry is a form of arrogance, because it says I know what God must do and I am afraid He's not getting it right."  When you consider how many admonitions there are in the Word to not worry, this quote hits right to the heart of the matter.

And my worrying is not going to help the situation, or help God, one little bit!  I've found that I have to keep a tight control on my thoughts.  At the slightest turn to worry, I have to immediately speak out my trust in God.  I can't let the tiniest anxiety enter in, or I start slipping down that slope of worry. 

I can be honest about my concerns.......in fact, it's imperative that I am honest.  I can tell the Lord that I find the situation hard.  I can tell Him that I don't understand.  I can admit that I'm tired, I'm weary, I'm weak.  But then I must follow up those expressions of my heart with speaking out my trust in the Almighty God!

After all these long months on our unexpected journey, and with many new stresses and pressures entering in - I know I can't let down my guard.  I am strengthening my resolve afresh to trust and not worry! 

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Matthew 6:34

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:5,6

"Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.  They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.  It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.  It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."  Jeremiah 17:7,8

I think I shared this quote a couple years ago, but it often comes to mind.  "Worry is like a rocking chair.  It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere."  I love rocking chairs, but I don't want to be like one! 

Let Your Light Shine

Floyd's condition remains about the same.  We have had wonderful sunshine the last few days!!!  They have been able to sit Floyd in the warm sun.  I know that will help him feel better.  

Recently I seemed to have been bombarded daily with challenging situations.  I prayed for wisdom, grace, solutions and God's help to sort out each situation.  I wanted to share about one particular problem that He really helped me with.

I have a wonderful, faithful little car.  It's a 2001 Toyota Rav 4 that the Lord provided for me shortly after we moved here.  Even though it's 19 years old, it has relatively low mileage so it keeps chugging along.  I'm so grateful for it!  It's perfect for me.

During our pandemic lockdown time, I have driven it around our neighborhood regularly to keep the battery charged.  One day when I went out to do that, it wouldn't start.  My son came to help me charge the battery thinking that would do the trick - but no luck.  It just made strange noises.  So I knew I needed to get a mechanic to come.

When I first explained the situation, it was thought that it was 1 of 2 potentially big problems - both of which would mean I'd need to have the car towed to a garage.  As I'm still in isolation, that would involve some big challenges to organize.  I was praying!

The first mechanic that came was sure it was one of the big problems, but didn't have the equipment to do the testing.  It was suggested I just get it towed.  I asked that another mechanic be sent that had the proper testing equipment.  

A very kind, helpful gentleman came - testing both things - and said that, no, that wasn't the problem.  He suggested we check the battery again.  It still wouldn't charge, but when he did some tests on it - he thought it was just old and completely run down.  He said, let's put a new one in and see if that solves all the problems.  And it did - the car started, and all the strange noises went away.  It was as simple as that!  After several hours, numerous phone calls, and two mechanics - my faithful little car was all ready to go again!!  I'm so grateful.  I almost danced a jig I was so relieved.  And who knows, maybe the Lord helped "heal" some of those problems in the process!

In the aftermath of all this, the Lord clearly spoke a couple things to my heart:

-  Worrying and stressing doesn't help anything.  I have to admit that when it seemed that I might need to tow my car, I was stressed!  My mind immediately went to all the complications of doing that.  I kept praying, but I was also stressing.

-  The Lord also reminded me that He is watching out for me.  I particularly saw that when the 2nd mechanic came.  He was such a kind, warm, caring man.  He could see my concern.  He assured me we'd figure it out.  His gentle spirit reminded me of Floyd in many ways.  I felt the Lord sent just the right person to help me.

I've seen the Lord help me with little things and with HUGE things on this unexpected journey.  This problem was somewhere in the middle, but it seemed big to me.  It was one more thing I had to deal with all alone.  At times like these, I really miss Floyd.  The Lord reminded me that I'm never alone!  He is by my side continually.

Through it all, it's given me fresh grace to face some other challenges that are before me!  I'm so grateful for God's goodness and faithfulness.  

"The eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him."  2 Chronicles 16:9

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you."  1 Peter 5:7

"Do not be anxious about anything."  Philippians 4:16

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10

"When I am afraid (stressed, worried), I put my trust in You."  Psalm 56:3 

I'm aware of God's help and strength each day, but this situation with my car was such a sweet reminder that God is with me!  And I'm so grateful that my car is working just fine!

A movie was on TV recently that I felt drawn to watch.  It was early evening, I was tired, and I was heading to bed - but instead I knew I was to watch the movie.  I've actually seen it several times before.  In fact, Floyd and I saw it in the US in 2015 shortly after it was released - "Woodlawn."  I love the movie!  It's based on a true story about a high school football team in Alabama in the 1970's that experienced a spiritual revival.  Set in a time of racial tensions, divisions and segregation, it shows the impact of what happened after most of the team gave their hearts to the Lord.

At one point in the movie it references a gathering at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas, Texas called "Explo '72" where Billy Graham spoke.  80,000 young people attended.  The effect of the gathering was felt for many years to come as young people dedicated their lives to the Lord.  One night after Billy Graham had spoken, the lights of the stadium were darkened.  A candle was lit - and used to light another - and those two lit two more - and so on.......until the whole stadium was lit.  It was a powerful illustration.

I sat crying and worshipping the Lord after the movie.  A couple messages have taken root in my heart that I have been praying into. The first is, of course, the candle illustration.  I think we underestimate the impact we can have as we share our "light" in the darkness of the world's needs.  A kind word, an encouragement, a prayer, a phone call, an email, a helping hand.......these simple things are so needed in our pandemic world.  People around us are fearful, overwhelmed, many are without hope......our small "light" can go far and wide as we sensitively reach out to those around us.  I can do that from my home in isolation!  I was stirred to "let my little light shine!" 

I also couldn't help but think of all the racial division and strife in our world today.  It's front and center in the US right now, but it's not limited to one country.  It's right in front of us wherever we live.  I loved seeing how the spiritual spark in that football team spread - and impacted the racial tensions of that period in time.  I'm praying for God to break in again into our world afresh!  We need Him - we need His loving message of redemption.

"Jesus spoke to them saying, 'I am the light of the world.  Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.' "  John 8:12

"For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord.  Walk as children of light."  Ephesians 5:8

"You are the light of the world."  Matthew 5:14

"Love your neighbor as yourself.  There is no commandment greater than these."  Mark 12:31 

"We love because He first loved us."  1 John 4:19

I sometimes feel "limited" because of my situation, but I realize my "light" is not limited in any way.  I'm asking God to help me shine bright.  In the movie it says "this is what happens when God shows up."  Let's ask Him to show up!  He can do that in and through us!

God Looks at the Heart

We continue to pray for Floyd’s protection from the virus.  I daily pray that "no harm will come near his room."  I am so grateful to the Lord that although is battling some of the winter congestion and phlegm, he has been fine. 

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I don't recognize myself!   There are lots of new wrinkles! That happens as the years roll by.  My face is a little fuller because of weight gain from the cancer treatment I'm on.  But the thing I notice most right now is that my hair is so much longer.  No haircuts the last 5 months!  Someone asked me when the last time was that my hair was this long.  I thought, and realized it was the 1970s. :)  It's about down to my shoulders.  I've always kept my hair short.  Floyd would actually complain if I let it grow as he loves me with short hair!

As I look at this person that looks so different to the "me" that I know, I have a new appreciation for the verse that says God doesn't see as man sees.  "Man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."  I'm really very grateful that God sees the heart and not just this very different person that I'm looking at in the mirror.  I'm not too fond of this new look.

I can't always control what's happening to me on the outside - but I can surely control what's going on in my heart!  If I allow any sin to enter my heart (pride, anger, jealousy, rebellion, disobedience, greed unforgiveness - anything that doesn't reflect the Lord) - God will surely see it even if no one else does.  It will grieve Him, and He will hold me accountable.  I need to regularly examine my heart to make sure none of these ugly attitudes enter in.

On the flip side, even though my outward body is crumbling away - if I keep my heart clean and pure before Him......it brings Him pleasure and glorifies Him.  That is my desire, and I ask God to help me continually.

I was thinking about the things that impact our hearts:

·      disappointment over unanswered prayer

·      hurt in relationships

·      insecurity and feelings of rejection

·      tension in our families

·      fear for the future

·      illness and physical pain

I guess the list is endless!  There are so many things that can batter our hearts.

It starts with a problem.  Then our minds think about it over and over.  It slowly consumes our thoughts.  And, before you know it, our hearts are overwhelmed with the problem.  The problem takes on immense proportions......and God is pushed to a small corner in our hearts.  I've had this happen.  In fact, I know how easily it can happen.

We have to make daily choices to "cast our cares and burdens on the Lord" and keep our focus on who He is in the midst of the problems.  He is the One who can solve the problems.  We can't!  And we can't let the problems consume us.

I've had messages recently from a number of friends and acquaintances who are feeling the weight of the pandemic - mentally and emotionally.  Some have lost jobs.  Others are physically ill.  Many are weighed down with fear for the future.  It IS a stressful time.  I feel it too.  That is why we must keep guard over our hearts and minds and continually press into the Lord to help us.  We can't allow any room for the enemy to exploit our situations.

God understands the difficulties we face!  He is continually with us.  He will help us with each burden, each care, each worry, each need as we turn our hearts to Him.  He is so faithful!

"But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Don't judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him.  The Lord doesn't see things the way you see them.  People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.' "  1 Samuel 16:7

"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life."  Proverbs 4:23 

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."  Matthew 5:8

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me."  Psalm 51:10

"Trust the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths."  Proverbs 3:5,6

It doesn't matter how old (or young) we are - whether a long time Christian (or a brand new one) - we must keep guard over our hearts so that when God looks at our hearts, He will be pleased.

I'm an organized person - very detailed.  I think through things in great detail.  I always have lists.  I've been like this from my earliest years, so I know it's how God has made me - and I receive it as a gift from Him.  In fact, I've been grateful all my life for how God made me as I've seen Him use that gifting in me.

Floyd is a visionary.  I know it's how God made him.  It's not that he lacks organization, he doesn't - but the visionary side of him is so dominant.  You can imagine that our two very different giftings made for an interesting marriage.  We had to learn how to use our giftings together - how to complement one another.  In the beginning I think we just irritated each other!  :)  But we worked on it!!

My detail was actually a help to Floyd - but he would get tired of me asking so many questions.  He said I poked holes in his visions.  I had to learn to listen more and not find all the weak spots in his visions!  He, in turn, had to learn how to work out the details of his visions.  He used to joke and say if he could get his visions past me - they had to be from the Lord!!

It took time, practice, and lots of patience......but we learned why God put us together.  We were actually a really good team, and we loved working together in the things God had for us.  I needed my visionary husband, and he needed his practical, detailed wife.

I was thinking about this recently, and began to think of how God is both visionary and practical.  He is the ultimate detail person - and yet He sees the big picture.  He knows where it's all going - what the plan is.  I was suddenly overwhelmed with the awesomeness of God as I reflected on this.  He has a plan, a purpose for our lives.  He knows where He's leading us on the journey, even unexpected ones.....and He is also with us in every single detail.  As I struggle through some of the hardships of my days, He is right by my side - helping me with each difficulty.  He gives me the understanding I need to sort through every detail of this journey.  How incredible and faithful He is!

"Moreover you shall make the tabernacle with ten curtains of fine woven linen and blue, purple, and scarlet thread; with artistic designs of cherubim you shall weave them."  Exodus 26:1 

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care."  Matthew 10:29

"The steps of a man are ordered by the Lord who takes delight in his journey."  Psalm 37:23

"So make yourself an ark out of cedar, constructing compartments in it, and cover it inside and out with tar.  Make the ark like this: 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits high.  Make a roof for the ark, and finish the walls to within one cubit from the top."  Genesis 6:14-16

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth."  Genesis 1:1 

The Bible is filled with verses that show God's love of detail!  I'm so grateful for that.  I can come to Him with every detail in my life.

Someone wrote recently and said "standing with you on our knees."  I loved the visual imagery - and I loved the commitment.  I’m so thankful for each one who prays for us and stands with us on their knees.  I am so grateful! 

Pull Up The Weeds

This week the doctor said that Floyd is doing well.  On one of her checks he was in his chair and gave her a big smile.  That warms my heart to hear that.  We're having some bitter cold winter weather so I’m grateful Floyd is doing well.  

I have unexpected things come up from time to time that I have to deal with.  I'm dealing with one of those at the moment.  I've been trying not to stress, but the potential implications of this particular matter are quite huge......so I've been concerned.  Of course I've been praying daily - many times a day.  

On Wednesday evening I was talking to the Lord again about it all.  My heart was stirred about the miracle working power of the Lord!  I thought of all the miracles I've seen in my lifetime.  I KNOW that God intervenes in situations with His miracle power.  I began to pray for a miracle with the matter I'm dealing with.  I went on to pray for family and friends, but I was particularly burdened to pray for the current situation.  I went to bed after praying with a fresh peace in my heart.

The next morning I got an email from the person I've been dealing with.  She explained to me about some consultations she'd had, and the end result is that the situation was resolved!!!!!  It was truly a MIRACLE.  There were so many other ways it could have gone - more likely ways.  It's also the kind of thing that could have dragged on for months and months.  There's still some follow up, but the issue is settled.  I was so, so, so relieved!  I had a wonderful time of worship in thanking the Lord.  I'm still thanking Him!

This experience has given me fresh faith and hope in my heart to pray for more miracles.  I think sometimes when I don't see miracles, don't see immediate answers to prayer - I get "laid back" in my prayers.  I still pray, but not with the same fervency.  I have fresh fervency after seeing this miracle!!

I know that each one of you reading this has things on your heart that you need answers for - you need miracles for.  Let's stir our hearts to ask and believe for answers.  I know God hears.  He listens to each prayer.  He sees our hearts.  He feels our pain in the difficult situations.  Let's keep asking God for miracles - for ourselves, for our friends and loved ones, and for our nations.

"I am the Lord, the God of all mankind.  Is anything too hard for me?"  Jeremiah 32:27 

"Jesus replied, 'What is impossible with man is possible with God.' " Luke 18:27 

"If I were you, I would appeal to God; I would lay my cause before Him.  He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted."  Job 5:8,9 

"Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, He gave thanks and broke them.  Then He gave them to the disciples to distribute to the people.  They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over."  Luke 9:16,17

"I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds."  Psalm 9:1

We can't demand, but we can ask!  I'm asking afresh. 

One day this week I was looking out at our small garden, our driveway, our fence with vines on it - and everything looked neglected, overgrown, and rather sad.  There are whole "forests" of weeds!  I usually hire a young man to help me with upkeep in pulling up the weeds and keeping things in good shape.  But, of course, he hasn't been here in 5 months.  It's amazing how quickly it gets out of hand if not constantly tended.

I couldn't help but think of what I was looking at being a reflection of my heart.  It, too, needs continual care or "weeds" come and things get neglected.  I need to constantly be in communication with the Lord to keep my heart close to Him.  I can never let my heart grow untended.  Thinking about this brought to mind something that happened to me early in my life.

I have loved the Lord since I was a young girl.  My very earliest memories are of talking to Jesus, kneeling beside my bed in prayer, and waking up in the night with an awareness of the Lord's presence.  But in my early teen years I became frustrated.  I had so many questions.  I loved the Lord, but I couldn't understand the legalism in the church I grew up in.  So many rules!  They didn't even make sense to me.  I felt like my heart was dying.

Right around this time I became very sick.  I ended up in the hospital with lots of tests being done.  The results were that I had a serious illness - one that could impact my whole life.  The doctors were puzzled by some things, however, and wanted to run all the tests again the next day to confirm what they'd found. 

I lay in my hospital bed talking to the Lord that day.  I cried out to Him.  As if a light bulb was suddenly turned on, it became clear to me that because of my questions and frustrations I had lost a lot of the joy in my walk with the Lord.  I told the Lord how sorry I was about that.  I told Him if I was going to be sick the rest of my life, I didn't want to lose my joy!!! 

The most amazing thing happened!  It felt like a fountain was turned on inside of me and was bubbling up.  I could feel my joy returning.  I lay in that bed laughing because I felt so incredibly joyful - light almost.  The heaviness I had been carrying was gone. The questions and frustrations didn't matter as long as I had the joy of the Lord in my heart!  The "weeds" were pulled up in my heart.

The next day all the tests were run again.  The doctor came in to talk to my parents and me and said he didn't know what had happened, but all the tests came back negative.  There was nothing wrong with me.  I could go home.  It wasn't long after that that I heard about YWAM and went on my first outreach.  The Lord answered the cry of my heart in helping me find freedom and direction in life.  And, wonderfully, in ways only God can orchestrate - it's where I met Floyd and another sweet direction in my life began.  God had a plan all along!

The number of cases of the virus have been declining in South Africa.  Today we were able to go to a lower level of lockdown restrictions.  The day will come when my garden will get attention and the weeds will be pulled up.  "Joy" will return to my garden - just as it did to my heart all those many years ago.

"Instead of the thorn bush the cypress will come up, and instead of the nettle the myrtle will come up, and it will be a memorial to the Lord, for an everlasting sign which will not be cut off."  Isaiah 55:13 

"Jesus presented another parable to them, saying, 'The kingdom of heaven can be compared to a man who sowed good seed in his field....."  Matthew 13:24

"Neglecting the heart is never a good thing.  Our hearts offer the wellspring of life and we must, above all else, protect and guard it."  Proverbs 4:23

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control."  Galatians 5:22

God doesn't want us to have hearts full of "weeds."  Some weeds can quickly have deep roots if not pulled up.  The same thing can happen in our hearts if we don't keep watch.  God will help and protect us if we'll stay close to Him.  As we keep tender, soft hearts before Him - He'll bring beauty and new life.  He'll fill us with His joy! 

Get Used To Different

Floyd is resting well at the moment.  I had so many special birthday greetings for him!  I've been doing a short video each day for the therapist to share with him so that I can pass on all of them.  I'm sure he is being blessed by all the love and best wishes.  

I had a lovely birthday on Wednesday last week.  Because I'm in isolation and we're in the middle of a pandemic, I honestly didn't have any expectations for my special day.  I woke up early while it was still dark, thanking the Lord that I was alive to celebrate another birthday!  A while later the sun came up, and I rejoiced that the sun was shining.  The day before it had been overcast and raining, so having sunshine was definitely a gift!

The baboons came to visit early in the day.  I decided to see it as them joining in my birthday celebration - although in reality they are an absolute nuisance.  

I started getting lots of birthday messages on my phone and computer.  It was very special - greetings of love and encouragement from friends near and far.  Each message warmed my heart.

In the early afternoon my son came to sit on our front deck/porch/stoep - whatever you like to call it.  We sat at a distance with our masks on.  It was nice to chat with him, and he brought me a couple special treats.  A little later a friend came to bring me a lovely home-cooked dinner - chicken enchiladas.  So yummy!

As I went back out to the deck, my son asked me to come look at something on the driveway below.  And there, to my immense surprise, were 9 of my friends serenading me.  What a joy that was!  I haven't seen most of them since before lockdown.  I was overwhelmed.  It was so special.  It was truly the icing on the proverbial cake!  After they left I was tearful - I felt so blessed.

There was a beautiful, dramatic sunset to cap off the day.  Then after my dinner, I read more messages and went to bed feeling like my cup was running over with goodness and joy!  I felt so blessed.  It was beyond anything I would have expected during this unusual season.  God, my son, my family from afar, and my friends here and around the world truly made it a special day!

A few days ago I was sitting on our deck enjoying the sun.  I looked over at an old wine barrel that has some flowering plants in it.  A couple years ago I had a large plant in it - but it died during our drought.  I then bought a few very small plants with gray/green leaves and tiny pink flowers to replace the plant.  They have now grown into an abundance of flowering plants.  

As I looked at them I realized that they were all positioned towards the sun.  They strain quite dramatically towards the warm rays of sunshine.....and as they've done that, they have grown, multiplied, and flourished.  The few tiny plants are now many, many plants with an abundance of pink flowers. 

Of course I thought of the lesson this gives for our lives.  As we turn towards the Son, take in His strength and grace - we can then grow and flourish as well.  We often feel small like those plants were in the beginning.....but with the warm rays of truth, love, encouragement, and support from the Son - our lives are changed.  These lovely plants are a valuable lesson.

"We look at this Son and see the God who cannot be seen.  We look at this Son and see God's original purpose in everything created.  For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible, rank after rank after rank of angels - everything got started in Him and finds its purpose in Him.  He was there before any of it came into existence and holds it all together right up to this moment.  And when it comes to the church, He organizes and holds it together, like a head does a body.  So spacious is He, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in Him without crowding.  Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe - people and things, animals and atoms - get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of His death, His blood that poured down from the cross.  You yourselves are a case study of what He does.  At one time you all had your backs turned to God, thinking rebellious thoughts of Him, giving Him trouble every chance you got.  But now, by giving Himself completely at the cross, actually dying for you, Christ brought you over to God's side and put your lives together, whole and holy in His presence.  You don't walk away from a gift like that!  You stay grounded and steady in that bond of trust."

Colossians 1:15-23  The Message

I think the overwhelming message to my heart during our birthday week, is that a worldwide pandemic doesn't hinder the outpouring of God's love and goodness ...primarily through His dear people.

I've recently watched the series "The Chosen" on the life of Jesus.  In fact I'm watching it for a second time - picking up on many details I missed the first time.  I've loved it and have found it very life giving.  There is a scene where Simon Peter is questioning something Jesus is doing because it's "different."  Jesus responds to him by saying "get used to different!"  

As I've thought about it, I've realized that statement kinda sums up our walk with the Lord.  SO many things are different!  We can't live a normal, ordinary life if we're walking in relationship and intimacy with Him.  Just about everything is "different" when our hearts and lives are surrendered to Him.   

For the most part, we probably don't want to get used to different.  It's more secure, more comfortable for things to stay the same.  Different means change, adjustment, sometimes doing things we don't like.  Different can mean losing control - turning over control at a deeper level to the Lord.  Different may mean giving up things we like and enjoy.  Different may not feel good - it can even be painful.  Different can certainly present challenges in our life and in our character.  Different is, well, DIFFERENT!

I don't always like different.  In fact, most of the time I don't like it.  I'm a creature of habit.  I like routine.  I like to know what's going to happen and when.  Marrying my dear husband and following him all over the world has been a life full of "different."  I guess you could say I've had to get used to it. :)

The last few years on our unexpected journey has been chock-a-block full of different.  After almost 49 years of married life, I found myself suddenly living as a single person.  My husband's life was hanging by a thread......and mine was right beside him as I've battled cancer.  I've faced huge daily decisions for months on end without my best friend who I had always counseled with for decisions.  There was not only our personal lives to figure out how to go forward, but also the All Nations ministry that we had led.  Different, different, different.  I've frequently been asked how I'd describe the last few years.  It's hard to sum it up in a word or two, but different would certainly be a word at the top of my list.

And yet, as the months have gone by, I have enough perspective that I can now look back and say "different is okay."  I have had times of loneliness, but I've never felt alone!  God has been so close, so real, so always present!  I have come to walk in a new, deep level of trust in the Lord that I don't know how I could have learned otherwise.  I have seen God be my husband in Floyd's absence in sweet and precious ways.  As I've ridden the "roller coaster" I've felt God holding my hand and assuring me that He's watching over me.

We are all living through an incredibly different season right now.  It's off the charts different!  But God is with us each moment of each day.  He will help and guide us through this unprecedented time.  He will never leave us or forsake us.  He will give us the strength and grace we need to face each challenge.  He is faithful!

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."  Isaiah 55:8,9

"Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God!  How unsearchable are His judgements and how inscrutable His ways!"  Romans 11:33

"Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths."  Psalm 25:4

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."  Jeremiah 29:11

When God is leading and guiding us, different is always good - always His best for us.  I have no idea what's ahead......but it will probably hold more "different."  I'm trying my best to get used to it.  And I'm so very grateful for the prayers of many that help me navigate all the different things!

A Boat Named Floyd

Floyd's condition remains steady.  I continue to have a combination of good/not-so-good days......but the biggest blessing is that we've had lots of sunny days! 

Knowing that I love hydrangeas, someone sent me a photo of the pruning she recently did on her gorgeous big bush of them.  I was a bit stunned.  It seemed so drastic.  When I questioned her about it, she assured me that it was needed.  She said the bush was overloaded and new buds couldn't get the light and nutrients they needed.  Some of the old blossoms had been burnt by the summer sun too.  I was still surprised at how much she had pruned.

Well, sure enough.  It wasn't too many days later that she was telling me lots of new flower buds were emerging.  She had done exactly what the beautiful bush needed to keep flourishing.  If you've read very many of my posts, you'll know that of course I would "ponder" this.  And I have been.

There are many times when the "pruning" in my life feels drastic.  At the moment it feels never-ending.  I sometimes wonder if God is sure about all He is allowing to come my way.  It feels like so much has been "trimmed."  I feel exposed, and vulnerable at times.  But I also have come to know that it's not a punishment.....it's more of a gift, a reward.  He sees the potential in me for growth, for more.  He lovingly prunes away the unneeded things so that there's more room for Him in my life.  I guess I should be concerned if He's NOT pruning!

In times of physical suffering, we all focus on the "outside" pain.  While I've been on our unexpected journey, I've realized that the most important things happening in my life are unseen.  They're in my heart, in my relationship with the Lord.  The suffering is only the conduit for the deeper things God is working on.

The pruning in my life will look different from the pruning in yours.  Only God knows what is needed in our lives to help us grow.  In our times of hardship and suffering, we can trust Him.  He won't prune too much.....even if it looks drastic.  He knows just what we need.  

We are all walking through a world-wide pandemic.  And then we are each facing individual needs, hardships, problems.  It's a lot!  But God is right with us.  He's by our side.  He is using all that we are facing to make us more like Him.  The pruning may feel severe, drastic - but beauty is coming from it.

"Every branch in me that does not bear fruit He takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit."  John 15:2

"The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience.  And God is faithful.  He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand."  1 Corinthians 10:13

"Although He was a son, He learned obedience from the things He suffered."  Hebrews 5:8

"Our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory."  2 Corinthians 4:17

We can't run or hide from God's work in our lives.  But we can trust Him.  He has good things in store for us through the pruning He does in our lives.  Just as the hydrangea bush is now having beautiful new flowers after being pruned, so we will have beauty in our lives as we allow God to work in us.

Encouragement is such a powerful thing.  It can be so simple - a gentle smile, a quiet thank you, a word of appreciation or affirmation, a small token that says "I love you."  It doesn't cost much for us to express it, but it can mean the world to the one on the receiving end.  We are made in such a way that encouragement strengthens us, brings healing, and brightens our day.

August 3 was Floyd's 75th birthday.  The years have flown by, and the last few years have been very different and difficult ones as we've walked along our unexpected journey.  I would have loved to be with Floyd for his birthday, but, of course, that's not allowed these days under our pandemic restrictions.  I sent a video message to him that they played first thing in the morning - the therapist said he was very "vocal" and responsive.  And the staff sang to him.  I prayed for the Lord to comfort him and encourage his heart.

And - lo and behold!  We've had some special encouragements in recent days.  I keep telling Floyd that he is loved and not forgotten - each of these have been reminders of that.

A few days ago I received news about "a boat named Floyd."  Some YWAMMERS in Amsterdam launched a small boat.  They named it Floyd, and launched it with the prayer that Floyd would be healed.  I've attached some photos at the bottom of this update.  It's parked at The Cleft which is very special.  That's where our family lived when we first moved into the red light district in Amsterdam.  People have big ships named after them, but this little boat being named after Floyd because of the prayers being prayed for him couldn't be more meaningful.  I told Floyd all about it.  This was such a sweet encouragement.

The hospital where Floyd is has been very busy.   Something special happened with a temporary doctor that the hospital hired to help with their patient load.  This doctor was assigned to Floyd.  It just so "happens" that the doctor heard Floyd speak in the 1980s at the University of Stellenbosch.  Floyd's message had an impact on him.  He thanked Floyd and said Floyd gave him a big grin.

That was a timely reminder to Floyd of what I've said - he's not forgotten.  It's amazing to me that the doctor remembered Floyd and his message from over 30 years ago.  I don't think I remember messages from that long ago.  This was definitely an encouragement!

I received an email message on the morning of Floyd's birthday from a man in the US.  He was awakened 2 nights previously with Floyd's name coming over and over to him.  He didn't know of Floyd, so he got up out of bed and looked him up.  He read about his background, his ministry, his books, and learned that he's been sick.  Then he prayed for us.  This certainly fits the bill as an encouragement......God waking someone up in the middle of the night to pray for him who doesn't even know him!!

I think you can see how each of these things were such special gifts for Floyd (and for me) for his 75th birthday.  They are priceless!  

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up."  1 Thessalonians 5:11

"Encourage one another every day, while it is called today."  Hebrews 3:13

"Who comforts us in all our afflictions so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."  2 Corinthians 1:4

"Comfort one another with these words."  1 Thessalonians 4:18

"Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."  Proverbs 16:24

"Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up."  Proverbs 12:25

I am so grateful for the love and prayers for us on this journey.  I am keenly aware that I couldn't have made it all this time on my own.  I frequently tell Floyd not to worry about me - that my weary hands are being upheld by friends from all over the world.  Their encouragement has blessed me!

Hope Is A Verb

Floyd's condition is holding steady and I have had a good week – I’m thankful for that! 
I love the word hope.  Even when I hear it spoken it does something in my heart.  Something rises up with expectation.  It's a beautiful word.  In my more normal life, I love wearing a pair of earrings that say "hope" (you can see them above).  They remind me of the power of hope.  They were made by one of our All Nations ministries that sees God changing lives because of His hope.

The phrase has been echoing in my mind this week - "hope is a verb".  Yes, I know it's a noun as well.  But I feel the Lord has been impressing upon me to emphasize it being a verb.  As a noun, it's a feeling of trust, of expectation, of desire.  As a verb, it's wanting that feeling/trust/expectation to actually happen.  It goes beyond the feeling to expectation.  It's expecting something with confidence.  It's desiring with expectation.  It's active and alive!

Years ago in Kabul, Afghanistan when we worked with the hippies of that era, a young woman came to the Lord.  She was vibrant in her newfound faith.  Her face seemed to shine with the joy of the Lord that she had found.  She decided she wanted a new name for her new life.  She chose the name Hope.  I loved it.  She had gone from heaviness to beauty in coming to know Jesus.  She exemplified "hope".

The use of the word hope in the Bible seems to swing back and forth between the noun and verb side.  Sometimes I'm not sure which it is.  But I know that I must activate my hope in order to have faith for the things I'm praying for.  Biblical hope is expecting what God has promised because He is faithful!  I can activate my hope and trust Him.  I can remember that hope is a verb and have hope, hope, hope for the impossible by faith because of God's goodness and greatness and faithfulness.

As I am praying for our family, for our friends, for our country - I am hoping, with renewed faith, for God to move and answer prayer.  Once we choose hope, anything is possible.

"Why are you in despair, O my soul?  And why have you become disturbed within me?  Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence."  Psalm 41:5

"The eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love."  Psalm 33:18

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  Romans 15:1

"Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed."  Isaiah 49:23b

"Hope in the Lord!  For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with Him is plentiful redemption."  Psalm 130:7

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."  Hebrews 11:1

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is the Lord."  Jeremiah 17:7

As I meditate on these verses, hope builds in my heart.  It comes alive!

On our unexpected journey....and in the times in which we are all living - I activate my hope to trust God for answers to many prayers.  Hope is a verb that I want to put to use daily in my life.

A couple days ago, I woke up with a heaviness in my heart.  I felt anxious and stressed as well.  I could physically feel the weight of all this.  There are some practical reasons for what was happening, but it was extreme and I knew I couldn't go through my day feeling this way. 

When I wake up each morning, I have a therapeutic hot drink first thing that's part of my daily treatment regimen - and then I have breakfast.  By the time I have breakfast it's been about 15 hours since I last ate, and I'm usually so hungry.  On the morning when I woke up with this heaviness/stress/anxiety - I knew I couldn't proceed as normal.  I simply pushed "normal" aside and started to pray and talk to the Lord about what I was feeling.  A friend texted me right then, and I asked her to pray for me too.

For about an hour I prayed, worshipped the Lord, called out to Him, read promises from the Bible......and waited on God to help me.  Just as I could physically feel the heaviness when I woke up - I began to physically feel it lifting!  It was like a weight being lifted off of me.  As I "cast my burdens" on the Lord - I sensed Him taking them from my heart.  There was a sweet presence of the Lord that replaced the burdens.....an awareness of His love and care for me and for our family.  It stayed with me all through the day - on what ended up to be a wonderful day!  In fact, all through that day and the following day I felt like God was "filling my cup" to overflowing with the sweetness and grace of His presence.

I read an article recently stating that the "root of the word persevere is the word severe."  You and I are walking through "severe" things.  But we are not alone on the journey as we persevere.  My "wake up call" experience was a good reminder of how to respond to the heavy things we face......and a reminder of how God will meet us.  I know this, of course, but it was like God wanted to add an explanation point right now to show His power to meet me and help me.  It was a dramatic demonstration into my life.  I can't persevere on my own through the heaviness of all that is happening in my life - but God can meet me and help me.  He does this because He is so incredibly faithful!

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved."  Psalm 55:22

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."  1 Peter 5:6,7 

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles."  Psalm 34:17 

"Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you.  I have made you and I will carry you;  I will sustain you and I will rescue you."  Isaiah 46:4

Casting our burdens, our cares, the weights we are carrying onto the Lord isn't just a nice spiritual phrase.  It's a very real thing we can do - and God meets us in a very real way.  He showed me that again in my recent experience.  I am so grateful! 

Fix Your Toughts On Jesus

I had some encouraging messages recently that I shared in a video message to Floyd this week.  The therapist said he was so alert and responsive to what I shared.  I'm so glad it touched and encouraged his heart.  

I had a couple answers to prayer this week.  They were very specific things, and I saw very specific answers.  I was so grateful!  It meant a lot to me, and was a real boost to my faith.

I guess it also made me freshly aware that there are things I pray for where I don't see an answer - or at least not that I'm aware of.  I think many times God is working on our behalf to bring answers, but we can't see what's going on.  I certainly don't feel that any of my prayers are wasted!  Quite the opposite.  But it was nice to have some clear specific answers to things I had prayed.  It's caused me to "ponder" these things. 

I've had people write and tell me they're discouraged because Floyd and I haven't been healed.  They don't feel God is answering their prayers.  That's not my perspective!  I believe God is actively involved in our lives.  I don't know all of His plans and purposes for this season.  We may or may not be healed.  But I am fully, 100% aware that God is at work.  I feel His presence, grace, and strength each day.  I sense that God is working in this time in ways that I can't see.  I don't feel He's ignoring our prayers - just the opposite.  I feel He's working around the clock in our situation to accomplish things that are on His heart.

I've lived long enough now to see that some prayers I prayed that seemed like they weren't being answered.......actually were answered in a different way to what I thought would happen.  Aren't you glad we can trust God's wisdom in what is best and not just trust our own way of doing things?  He takes our prayers, sees our hearts, and then wisely answers them from His perspective and wisdom. 

I will never stop asking for healing - in whatever way God brings it!  God gives us that freedom to keep asking.  I've seen lots of points of healing along the way.  And I'm still alive in answer to prayer!  I am so very grateful for all the prayers of those lifting us up.  I will continue to pray for healing or heaven for Floyd.

I guess the bottom line is that prayer is about relationship with the Lord.  We call out to Him in our need.  We tell Him how we feel.  We seek His help and strength.  The Bible is full of both answered and unanswered prayers......and I see in each situation the importance of drawing near to the Lord.  Prayer isn't a button we push to get what we want.  It's not about the answers, the results we get - it's about walking in fellowship with our Father.  Jesus took time in His walk on earth to pray to the Father.  He set the example for us of walking in fellowship through prayer.

"Pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests."  Ephesians 6:18

"Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."  Jeremiah 29:12

"Is anyone among you in trouble?  Let them pray."  James 5:13

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."  Romans 12:12

"The Lord is near to all who call on Him."  Psalm 145:18

"Pray continually."  1 Thessalonians 5:17

Prayer is perhaps one of the biggest conundrums of the Bible.  Hundreds, maybe thousands, of books have been written on the subject.  We'll never have all the answers of the why and why not to our prayers.  But I'm so grateful for the gift of prayer in being able to lift up my needs to the Lord.  I'm grateful for the intimacy and fellowship that comes through prayer.  

I've recently had some difficult days.  One day in particular I was feeling quite sick.  I was calling out to the Lord to help me get through the day.  I had this impression come to my mind - "find me in the moment."  I was a bit puzzled as I was already praying.  I stopped and thought about it, and began to focus on who Jesus is.

He is my healer - my companion - my sustainer - my help - my rock - my refuge - my strength - my Savior - my friend.  I focused on who He is.......not just what I needed from Him.  No, the yuckiness of how I was feeling didn't disappear - but my focus changed from me and my needs to His greatness and all that He is.  I can't quite explain it, but this change of focus lifted the heaviness off my difficult day.  I was still sick, but my day was "lighter." 

As I focused on Jesus and His greatness, it felt like something was released.  As I "found Him in the moment," I also found new grace, new strength, new comfort.  I somehow tapped into His provision for me by focusing on Him.

Some years ago Floyd bought me a telescope for our living room so that I can look out and enjoy the ocean.  When I look through the lens, I can see the ocean......but I have to adjust it and focus in on things to really enjoy the beauty of what I'm seeing.  I think this is what is happening as I look for Him in the moment.

It has given me a new "guideline" of what to do in my times of need.  I look to Him - I focus on Him......lifting up my need to him......but choosing to direct my attention to His goodness and mercy instead of concentrating on what I need.  The change of focus is powerful.

"Holy brothers, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, the apostle and high priest whom we confess."  Hebrews 3:1

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."  Matthew 11:28,29

"You will seek me and find me, when you search for me with all your heart."  Jeremiah 29:13

"You will show me the path of life; in your presence is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."  Psalm 16:11

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him."  Psalm 62:5

I mentioned to someone recently that each step of this unexpected journey we've been on reveals new truths from God's heart to my heart.  The sorrows aren't wasted.  The hard times bear rich fruit.  God is so faithful! 

Little Blessings

Floyd is holding steady.  I am so grateful that even with the strong winter weather we've been having, he is doing ok.  

I have a friend, Sylvie, who is undergoing intensive treatment for cancer right now.  She and I keep in almost daily communication to encourage one another in our "battle."  Sylvie made a statement recently that stuck with me.  She talked about the blessing of a "feeling good" day.  There are definitely days when she and I don't feel good!

Her comment made me realize how important it is to be grateful for the little things - like a "feeling good" day when I have one.  It's made me more aware, more conscious of the little things I take for granted.  I am directing my focus to the "little" things I have to be grateful for.  As I thank the Lord for them - they seem to take on greater significance.......and I realize even more what a blessing they are.  It's easy to look for, even wait for, the "big" things to be grateful for......but the little things are just as important and are just as much gifts from the Father's hand.  I don't want to miss expressing gratefulness to the Lord for them.  Especially during the stress of the pandemic, I want to keep my focus on all the blessings in my life.

Here are just a few things I'm grateful for right now: 

• a "dry" home

• electricity (when it's turned off - I appreciate it even more)

• I'm not a fan of rain, but I'm very grateful we're getting our winter rains so that we don't have drought again.  The water shortages a couple years ago, when we hadn't gotten enough rain, were very difficult.

• I'm grateful for fleece clothing - it helps so much in keeping me warm.

• I'm grateful that groceries can be delivered!  Such a blessing during lockdown.

• I'm grateful for good neighbors.  We recently had a scare on our street around 8 p.m.  Within seconds, our whatsapp group was buzzing, 3 neighborhood men were out checking on things, and 2 neighbors contacted me to make sure I was okay.  It made me feel so safe and watched out for.

• I'm so grateful for our modern day technology that allows me to be in instant communication with family and friends around the world.

• I'm very grateful that I am having more "feeling good" days than bad days at the moment.  That is a HUGE blessing to me!

My list could so on and on - but that gives you an idea of how God is helping me see the little, and not-so-little, things in my life that are blessings from His hand.  I'm so grateful for each one.

There's an old song that says "count your blessings.....name them one by one.....and it will surprise you what the Lord has done."  As I look for the "little" blessings in my life - not just the big ones.....I am continually amazed at all God has done.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above."  James 1:17

"God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."  2 Corinthians 9:8

"From His abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another."  John 1:16 NLT 

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing."  Psalm 23:1 

Sometimes my body kinda drags a little more because of the weather, but my heart is full because of God's goodness!  I have so much to be grateful for.  I am blessed!

The last week has been a bit hard for me because of quite a few factors… it's been challenging.  I was talking to the Lord about it, and I felt He took me to something familiar and basic - being content in any circumstance!  I certainly know that principle.  In many ways I've lived by that standard for years - for my whole life actually, but it's good to be reminded.

When different, unusual, hard circumstances come our way - it can feel so impacting that we forget that basic principle.  Paul tells us in Philippians "I have learned the secret of being content in EVERY situation."  Some situations seem so unusual (a world wide pandemic) that it seems like there must be a different guiding directive for them.  But, no - the same thing applies.

It doesn't matter if it's 1 thing impacting our lives or 100.  It doesn't matter if we feel good or we're sick.  It doesn't matter if we're alone or surrounded by friends and family.  It doesn't matter if the weather is good or bad.  It doesn't matter if we have electricity or not.  It doesn't matter if we get good news about something or terrible news.  It doesn't have to do with how much we have or don't have.  The same principle applies for each situation - we need to learn to be content.

The key word is LEARN.  It may not come easily.  It may not be our first response.  It may be something we have to actively work on.  But it's achievable because God gave it as a principle for us to follow.  It means we can't look back wishing for something in the past - and we can't look forward longing for something that's still to come.  We have to be content in the here and now.

Contentment involves trust - trust in God's plan for our life.  Trust that He will help us whatever comes our way.  Trust that He is truly, truly with us each moment of the day.  Trust that all the promises in His word that we stand on are true.  Trust that His grace is sufficient for everything we face.  Trust that He will give us strength - and peace.

Contentment also involves hope - hope that God is hearing our prayers and answering them.  Hope for a better tomorrow in spite of the hardships of today.  Hope that we will make it through whatever we are facing.

I'm still on the "learning" journey - with trust and hope in my heart! 

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through Him who gives me strength."  Philippians 4:12,13 

"Godliness with contentment is great gain.  For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.  But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that."  1 Timothy 6:6-8

"And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness."  Therefore I am content with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."  2 Corinthians 12:9,10

"A heart at peace gives life to the body."  Proverbs 14:30

Contentment isn't something we search for and find.  It's an attitude of our heart - regardless of what our situation may be.  I'm grateful for God reminding me of this in the midst of a hard week.

Angels Watching Over Us

Floyd is holding steady at the moment - no better, no worse.  We've had a couple lovely sunny winter days this week.  He gets nice sunshine in his room on days like these, so I'm sure that's been special for him.  

In my last post, I wrote about the "why" questions we deal with when a trial, tragedy, or time of suffering comes our way.  A friend sent me this quote afterwards.  “We have no right to ask when a sorrow comes, “Why did this happen to me?” unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes our way.”  That's a good way to look at it!

I recently wrote about the "gift of laughter."  It is such a very wonderful gift.  Laughter releases lots of endorphins in our body - we can't help but feel better.  I had a good laugh at myself a few days ago. 

The current treatment that I'm on causes me to gain weight and lose hair.  I wish it was the other way around!  :)  I don't lose clumps of hair - rather strands of it.  On a typical day I'll lose 30+ strands of hair.  I have a few spots on my scalp that are getting pretty thin.  I hope I don't end up with bald patches.  It's a good thing my hair was thick to begin with.  I've always joked that I have enough hair for two people, but I'm not sure how long that will remain true.

I was cleaning off some of the strands from my clothing when I thought of the verse that says "even the very hairs of your head are all numbered."  Luke 12:7  In my situation that takes constant monitoring!  I suddenly had a picture in my mind of an angel standing by keeping count of the number of my hairs to give a daily accounting to the Lord.  No, there's no verse that says that.  It was just an image in my mind - and it struck me as funny.  I laughed and laughed.  It's a full time job keeping track of the number of my hairs!  I can almost hear the angel saying "oops!  There's another couple hairs falling out." :)

As I was thinking of that - my thoughts evolved into thinking of how the Word speaks of angels keeping guard over us.  There have been numerous times in our lives when we've been sure that angels protected us.  And I'm equally sure there are countless times that we've been unaware of, as well, when angels were standing guard over us.

In the uncertain times in which we live, I take comfort in knowing God has promised to send angels our way.  I often pray for angels to be with me, with Floyd, with our family.  Floyd was speaking in a church one time.  We were staying with some friends.  After the service, a lady in the church asked one of our friends if Floyd always travelled with a bodyguard.  Our friend didn't know what she meant.  The lady said she was talking about the tall man standing behind Floyd as he spoke.  (Floyd's tall - so he needed a really tall angel!)  I wish I had seen that tall, bodyguard angel!  Why the angel was there that particular time, I have no idea.  But it was a sweet encouragement to know they're around, especially since Floyd travelled a lot.

We were in an accident one snowy night on a mountain highway when we lived in Colorado.  Thankfully we weren't going very fast when we hit "black ice."  Our car skidded, flipped, and rolled over a couple times off the highway landing upside down.  The car was in pretty bad condition.  Some other cars stopped and helped us.  When the highway patrolman arrived, he asked the people standing around if they knew how many people were killed in the car.  He was stunned when he realized we were alive.  We had some bumps and bruises, but not even any broken bones.  The patrolman said he'd never known people to survive an accident like that.  I know there were angels watching over us that night!!!

When we moved to South Africa, we lived for about 9 months with a friend.....then moved to the village where we now live.  Our house was near a lighthouse.  At night the light circling around from the lighthouse would shine into our bedroom window.  The day we moved into our house, Floyd left on a trip.  I was in a still fairly new country to me, in a new home, in a new neighborhood, and alone.  I didn't even know my neighbors yet.  As I lay in bed that first night with the light flashing into my bedroom from the lighthouse - the Lord spoke into my heart that just as that light kept shining into my bedroom.....He was with me and was giving angels to watch over me.  That word and the peace that it brought has stayed with me all these years.  I never dreamed I'd one day be living alone full time without Floyd.  It's a different house now, but the sweet peace is still with me......and I think the angels are too.

I often pray for angels to keep Floyd company in the long hours when he's alone at the hospital.  I think I've mentioned to you before that there have been times when I've been with him that he looked behind me, or over my head.  I've asked him a number of times what he's looking at - and, on several occasions, I've asked him if he sees angels.  He usually gave me a sweet, knowing smile.  He's always wanted to see an angel.  Maybe that's one of the special gifts God has given Floyd during this hard time.

"He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways."  Psalm 91:11

"I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared."  Exodus 23:20

"The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, and delivers them."  Psalm 34:7 

"Therefore, angels are only servants - spirits sent to care for people who will inherit salvation."  Hebrews 1:14

As my mind was reflecting on all this, I felt a fresh assurance in my heart that there are angels watching over us in this pandemic time.  I haven't seen any of them, but I'm sure they are there.  And they are there with you too!  Maybe you'll see one.

My heart has been touched by all the messages I have been receiving lately from both friends and strangers who are struggling with the impact of the times in which we are all living.  Many are anxious.  Some are fearful.  Almost all of them feel overwhelmed with situations they are facing.  Others say things are out of control.

I understand.  It's not unusual to be having these kinds of reactions.  We are truly living in an unprecedented time.  No one would have ever imagined that a worldwide pandemic, civil rights protests, and political upheaval (to name just a few things) would be happening all at once.  It sometimes feels a bit surreal.

I've been asked how to respond to all this.  I have to say that I'm learning along with everyone else!  I'm not an expert.  But there are things I've been learning in recent years that help me in this current time.  The most powerful tool l've found to respond to all these challenges is worship and praise.  Praise is the way to strength!  When our hearts are filled with gratitude, we find that we have more to be grateful for - it opens our eyes.

When I'm anxious - I worship!

When I'm fearful - I worship!

When I feel overwhelmed - I worship!

When I'm sick - I worship!

When I have more questions than answers - I worship!

When I'm tired and weary - I worship!

When I feel like things are out of control - I worship!

When I feel weak - I worship!

I start by acknowledging who God is to me.  He's my Rock, my Refuge, my Sustainer, my Comforter, my Counselor, my Husband, my source of Wisdom, my Provider, my Healer, my daily Grace......I speak out everything I can think of that God is to me.  I thank Him for being those things to me.

Then I speak out promises from the Word - especially the ones that apply to what I'm struggling with at the moment.  I was reminded today of Isaiah 26:3,4.  "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord Himself, is the Rock eternal."

I acknowledge what is heavy on my heart at the moment.  I "cast the burden" of that on the Lord.  I give it to Him because it's too much for me to carry.  Sometimes I can almost physically feel the Lord lifting the heaviness from my heart and mind and spirit.  I heard Bill Johnson say that offering up praise to the Lord is like "road building equipment.....it clears obstacles."  Confusion, pain, and loss is lifted from our hearts as we offer up our worship.

And I open my heart to receive from Him what I need.  I let the Spirit wash over me and impart to me His strength and help.  When I change the way I look at things by offering them up as worship, the things I've been looking at, focusing on, then change as well.

When we offer up worship and gratitude, it actually impacts us physically - it strengthens us, it supports our immune system, it enables us to cope.  Gratitude is a strong, powerful, empowering emotion!  Worry and stress just make us weak.  When we offer up praise, worship, gratitude - it blesses God.  Then He turns around and uses it to help and bless us.

"Because you have been my help, therefore in the shadow of your wings I will rejoice."  Psalm 63:7

"Worship Him who made heaven and earth, the sea and springs of water."  Revelation 14:7

"I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.  O my strength, I sing praise to you; you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God."  Psalm 59:16,17

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.  God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."  Matthew 6:34 The Message

I honestly don't know what I'd do without the gift, the tool that God has given us, of worship.  As I choose to worship the Lord - He, in turn, gets me through each and every day.  He is faithful!

Why Lord?

It's hard to believe that this year is already half over.  In some ways it seems like the last few months of the pandemic have lasted forever - and in other ways it has flown by.  I can't help but wonder what the second half of this year holds for all of us. 

Floyd is resting peacefully - no changes.  The number of COVID cases is skyrocketing here in South Africa, but thankfully Floyd is okay.  He has many long hours alone.  I've been praying, as I often have on this unexpected journey, for angels to keep him company!

In response to my recent sharing about my 6 year battle with cancer, I was asked a question.  The person said if we know we're going to heaven to be with Jesus when we die - which is a wonderful thing - why do we battle to fight sickness to stay alive?  It wasn't a criticism, it was a simple question - and I think it's a valid one.  There are probably lots of answers to that, but I'll just share my personal journey.

For me the simplest, most basic answer is because I felt the Lord told me to persevere - to not give up.  I actually think that's a foundational principle of the Christian walk with whatever hardship we face, but, for me, it was very specific in what I was facing.  I knew God would have to help me to persevere - and He has!  I also felt there were things He wanted to teach me - and He's done that!  He has been with me every day, every hour, every minute.  Many of those days, hours, and minutes have been hard.....but I have never felt alone.  He has been with me.

Another issue for me is that I wanted to continue to be by Floyd's side in what he was going through.  I vowed before God "for better or worse" in my commitment to Floyd when I married him 53 years ago.  This has definitely been on the "worse" scenario side......but I wanted to be with him.  Because of his condition, I can't physically take care of him myself.  But I have overseen and managed his care during all this time he's been sick.  There have been hundreds of details to take care of.  I'm so grateful that I've been alive to do that.

Still another issue for me is my love for my family - especially my children and grandchildren.  My heart's desire was to see them growing into all God has for them.  I didn't want to leave them prematurely.  I have loved being able to continue watching them grow and mature - especially my two grandchildren.  Watching my granddaughter's high school graduation - even though it was viral and long distance - was a special gift to my heart.

Ultimately, even if we "battle" to fight our illness - we are still in God's hands.  He's in control, not us.  He knows the number of our days.  I could have done everything I've done in fighting cancer, and God could have taken me home long before now.  I realize that my part is to persevere and to also continually give myself into His hands.  He will take me home when it's in His will and timing.  Floyd and I have both been close to death's door - Floyd especially on many occasions, but we're still here.  I believe with all my heart that there are plans and purposes on the heart of God for those delays.  I trust Him for those purposes.

I'm not a theologian, so perhaps I'm being too simplistic - but this is how I have responded, what I believe.  I have had peace on this journey even though it's not always been easy.  I am so grateful for God's sustaining grace that has helped me along.

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial."  James 1:12

"We also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope."  Romans 5:3,4

"Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."  Psalm 139:16 ESV

"You have decided the length of our lives.  You know how many months we will live, and we are not given a minute longer."  Job 14:5 NLT

I see every day as a sweet gift from the Lord.  I'm grateful for that daily gift of life.  On the hard days, God has sustained me.  And someday I'll join him in heaven.  What more could I ask for?  He is good! 

As I have continued to get responses from sharing about my cancer journey, a number of different ones have inquired about asking the "why" question when going through hard times.  Why? is certainly a question that comes into all of our minds when we face a difficulty, a test, a trial - and especially a prolonged time of suffering.  We all have questions of course, but it's important to not let those questions become our focal point.  We have to look at who God is in our situation in spite of our questions. 

I've been taught and mentored in the discipline of asking God if there's something He wants to say to me when I face a hard situation.  Maybe there's something He wants to teach me.  I open my heart and mind to hear and receive from Him if He wants to speak something specific to me.  Perhaps instead of asking why, we simply need to focus on asking what - what does He want to do in the situation.

I can remember very vividly standing by Floyd's bed in ICU in the first few days after he became sick.  I was praying for him, and I asked the Lord if there was something He wanted to say to me about what was happening.  I told Him I trusted Him - and I wasn't demanding  answers, but I wanted to open my heart to anything He wanted to say.

I felt He said that just as I trusted Him, He trusted me......and that He would walk with me through whatever was ahead.  I just needed to keep close to Him and keep my eyes on Him.  That sweet, gentle, loving assurance has carried me through in hard moments over all these months.

I have questions, of course!  I don't understand everything.  I'd love to have some answers, but I'm old enough to know that we often don't get all the answers we want.  That's where true, genuine trust comes in.  Again and again in times of doubt, confusion, or frustration - I will declare to the Lord: "I trust you.  I trust you.  I trust you."  As I speak it out, it takes root in my heart at deeper and deeper levels.  I even ask Him to help me trust Him if I'm struggling.  I sense fresh releases of His grace and strength as I declare my trust in Him.

If we're not careful, we can become so focused on asking "why?" that we miss His grace, strength, and courage to just survive what's happening.  I've seen that happen to people.  God is God.  He may or may not explain to us what is going on.....why something is happening.  We can't demand answers of Him.  And for some things, there may not be specific answers.  We live in a fallen world.  Because of that, we will experience pain and suffering.  I wish we didn't, but we do.  And because of the fallenness in our world, bad things will happen to good people.  There's not a specific reason - it's just a result of the fallen world we live in.  We mustn't agonize over why - we must focus on trusting God to get us through the hard time.

I remember one friend who was facing a big trial in his life.  He said he realized that instead of asking God "why me?" - he should think about asking "why not me?"  He realized he wasn't exempt from facing suffering in his life in our fallen world.  I think that's a helpful perspective for each of us to remember.

Questions and emotions about what we are going through aren't bad.  They're natural.  They're human.  We should tell God how we feel (He knows anyway).  God isn't bothered if we ask questions.  He's big enough to handle our questions!  We see examples of men and women of God asking questions in the Bible.  He didn't strike them down because of it.  He helped them walk through the hard situation.

But the key thing is to not let those questions, those emotions drive a wedge between us and God.  We must focus on His character, His goodness, His faithfulness - even when we don't feel like it or have the answers we want. 

Some examples of those in the Bible asking questions:

David asked, "Oh Lord why do you stand far off?  Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?"  Psalm 10:1

Job asked, "Why have you made me your target?  Have I become a burden to you?"  Job 7:20 

Habbakuk asked, "Why do you make me look at injustice?  Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?"  Habbakuk 1:3

"The disciples asked, "Why was this man born blind?"  John 9:2

And a few verses that make it clear that we'll never understand or have answers to everything! -

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"  declares the Lord.  "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."  Isaiah 55:8,9

"Have you not known?  Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth.  He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable."  Isaiah 40:28

"Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; His understanding is beyond measure."  Psalm 147:5

I should add to that there have been times when God has given me clear answers to some questions I've had.  I have been grateful for that.  And there are times, like now on our long unexpected journey, when I feel like I get "inklings" of understanding over time.

But - the bottom line for all is TRUST.  With or without answers I know I must stand firm in my trust in who God is.  I know that I know that I know that He is good, kind, just, and faithful!