Surrender
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Floyd has very beautiful light blue eyes. During this time that he's been sick, they seem to be an even more vivid blue - perhaps because we're seeing him without his glasses. Many of the people who visit him comment on the fact that there is peace in his eyes - and a quiet authority in his eyes and in his spirit. To me it's a testimony that God is present and ministering to him.
Our International Leadership Team for All Nations was in Cape Town this last week. We visited Floyd together. It was a teary, emotional visit. As soon as I told Floyd they were here and coming in for a visit - he started crying. He cried through most of the time as they shared testimonies, prayed for him, and encouraged him. Such a precious time!
Two friends who visited Floyd recently shared Psalm 139:16 with me. "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." The thought they had is that the blueprint of Floyd's life is still continuing. The purposes God has for his life are ongoing. Someday we'll be amazed at what God has done in this season. We continue to pray for all of God's purposes to be accomplished.
My heart is continually filled with gratitude to the Lord for His goodness and mercy to me these past years on this unexpected journey. Some days when I worship and thank Him all I can do is weep in thanks for His faithfulness. He has been so, so good to me. How anyone can make it through trials and suffering without the Lord I don't know. I wouldn't have lasted a day without Him!
Four years ago when I first discovered I had ovarian cancer, I had no idea what the outcome would be. Floyd and I had talks about the future. I told him what I wanted at a memorial service if I passed away. I made a list for him of the songs I wanted. At the top of my list was the song "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. I love that song because I personally can only imagine what it will be like to stand in God's presence in heaven someday!
The story of how the song came about has been made into a movie, so I went to go and see it. There are some hard scenes in the movie because of the background of the man who wrote the song, but the overwhelming message is of redemption. I loved it. At the end I was so in awe of God's goodness that I couldn't help but raise my hands in worship. I don't know if anyone noticed, but I didn't even care, I just had to worship God for His faithfulness.
I look forward to the day when we stand in His presence. I don't know if I'll dance (I hope so because I've never been a dancer here) - if I'll sing or be silent in awe - if I'll stand or fall to my knees in worship. How awesome it will be to look into the eyes of our Redeemer.
I was thinking about all this the other day, and the thought struck me - I need to get ready! I need to practice my worship now. :) We truly can "only imagine" what it will be like to be in His presence someday - but we can worship Him with all our heart and mind now. I'm getting ready!!
"There is no one holy like the Lord; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God." 1 Samuel 2:2
"My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring Your splendor all day long." Psalm 71:8
"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever." 1 Chronicles 16:34
"Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name." Psalm 103:1
"Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise Your name, for in perfect faithfulness You have done wonderful things, things planned long ago." Isaiah 25:1
How wonderful it will be to worship Him someday face-to-face. In the meantime, I'm practicing and getting ready.... He deserves our worship!
I saw a quote recently that spoke to my heart:
Surrender to what is.
Let go of what was.
Have faith in what will be.
It seemed like a dozen thoughts raced through my mind all at once as I read those 3 simple lines. I think in many ways they sum up my long unexpected journey!
In the midst of a hard time - I'll never get through it if I don't "surrender" to the hard time that has come into my life. If I fight it, resist it - it doesn't go away......it just becomes harder to survive it. I have to embrace what God is allowing to come into my life. The only way to navigate through "what is" is to give myself into God's loving care, and trust Him for the grace to make it through the trial.
I also have to "let go" of what was.....what used to be, if I'm to make it through the hard time I'm facing. I can't hang on to the way things used to be. I miss Floyd - his love, his warmth, his friendship, his leadership, his wisdom, his encouragement and support. I need all those things in the midst of the trial I'm walking through!!! But I have to let go of what was - and dig deeper into the resources God has for me to survive without those things I've relied on for over 50 years. God has provision for me for everything I need right now - but I have to let go of what was in the past.
And I have to have faith in "what will be." Jeremiah 29:11 says that God has "plans to prosper me and not harm me, plans to give me hope and a future." I have to have faith in what God has in store/what will be in my life. I can't see the future - I can't imagine what it might be without Floyd, without our previous way of ministering and doing things. All I can do is have faith that God is in control and has a plan. It will be different, but I can trust that God will give me fresh hope for what is ahead, what will be.
God is so very faithful! I can follow the plan of these 3 simple lines because of who He is. He will be holding my hand, keeping me in His grip, and guiding me step by step.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5,6
"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act." Psalm 37:5
"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." Psalm 118:8
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27
His promises are abundant to help me as I surrender to what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be. He is exceedingly faithful! I can trust Him without reservation. How good He is!