The Gift Of Isolation
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Last Sunday, February 23, marked 4 years along on our unexpected journey. It's an "anniversary" that I never dreamed I'd be experiencing. On many levels it seems utterly unbelievable. For me, these 4 years have been a long season of isolation. I didn't see it coming, and it still feels like a shock at times. But it's not a season I get upset with the Lord about. In the midst of the isolation, I have grown to love Him more. I am closer to Him than I've ever been. I have seen His goodness and faithfulness on levels that I never knew existed. And, yes, I have come to a place of gratitude and thankfulness for this season. He is good - ALWAYS!
As I spent time with Floyd, I prayed with him to thank the Lord for His faithfulness and help these last 4 years. A friend had sent Floyd a message of him singing worship songs. When our daughter was sick for a number of years, this friend sat by her bed and played worship songs to her. It was a sweet memory. It was perfect for us to listen to his songs now in Floyd's illness, and then spend time thanking the Lord for His goodness. Floyd cried as our friend expressed love and encouragement to him. I pray for rest, peace, grace, comfort, and lack of misery for him.
I've had 3 other "anniversaries" over these last years, but my heart was especially tender this year. Perhaps it's because I'm more weary now. I have spent a lot of time reflecting, and thanking the Lord for all the ways He's helped me. There's some grief over what has been lost, but there's more gratitude overall. I realize that grief and gratitude can co-exist. We can be grateful for all that we have, all the ways that God has met us - while we also grieve for what we don't have. They aren't contradictory.
Grief and gratitude can walk hand in hand. I'm choosing to walk that path, holding tightly to the Lord's hand.
Because my heart was tender, I wondered how I would be on Sunday. I told the Lord that I wanted to focus on Him even as I reflected back on the last 4 years. In December I wrote a prayer update on Emmanuel/Immanuel. "One of my favourite words from this season is "Immanuel." God with us. It's such a powerful truth! We are never, ever alone. He is always with us - day and night, good days and hard days, through every sweet moment and every sad one. He is right by our side..”
I thought back to what I'd written - and then I received an email from a friend in Holland reminding me that Emmanuel is with me! It was such a perfect affirmation of what I had been talking to the Lord about. I love how God works to add His exclamation point to things!
The day turned out to be very sweet and precious. I sensed the Lord carrying me through the day - not denying the tenderness of the day, but just comforting me that He was right by my side. It will actually be a precious memory that I carry into the future with me!!
I don't know what's ahead, but I have a sense that the journey isn't complete yet. I have no idea what that means, but that "sensing" helps me know how to pray. I certainly pray for continued grace and strength to persevere!
Whatever is ahead, I know Emmanuel is with me!
"I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go." Genesis 28:15
"My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." Exodus 33:14
"Be strong and courageous!.....For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:6
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me." Psalm 23:4
The richness of God's word is such a sweet balm to my soul - whatever I'm facing each day. I'm so grateful that He has spoken to each and every need we face. What a good God He is! And He is always, always with us!
There has been a discussion recently among some of our workers about the feeling of isolation. Sometimes we feel alone, unappreciated, unneeded, even unwanted. This feeling is a tactic the enemy uses against all of us at one time or another. One of his best schemes is to "separate" us and make us feel alone. He loves to whisper in our ears that nobody cares, nobody sees all our work and efforts, nobody is aware of the burdens we bear......we don't really matter. The quicker we expose the lies of the enemy, the better. We can't let him divide us or isolate us in any way. We must stay together - loving and affirming one another.
I have, however, come to understand another side to isolation. Sometimes isolation can be allowed by the Lord because of what He is wanting to do in our lives. The trial we are walking through, the suffering we are experiencing, the desert place we are in - it may mean some isolation on our part. God often isolates us before He moves us on into what He has for us. In many ways and on many levels, I have been in "isolation" on our unexpected journey.
Thankfully I have loving friends around me. I have a supportive family. I have friends, loved ones, and even total strangers lifting me up in prayer. I'm not alone - but I am in isolation. That may not even make sense to you. It's rather hard to explain, but it's very real and it's been a big part of what I'm walking through.
When we hear of someone being put in isolation, it seems like a bad thing - a negative thing - a punishment even as they sometimes do in prison. But I have come to understand and see the isolation as a good thing - a positive thing - even a reflection of love. It's been hard at times, especially when I feel I'm missing out on things, or that life is rushing by without me - but I've tried to look at all the good things that have been brought into my life on this journey.
My life had already been greatly impacted by having cancer, but it looked like I might have turned a corner on that. Then it came to a screeching halt when Floyd became so suddenly and severely ill. From one day to the next he became bed-ridden and silent. It was so shocking. And then my cancer returned - repeatedly. I call it a roller coaster ride, but, actually, that barely begins to describe it.
All of this definitely put me in a season of massive isolation! From day 1 of this journey I have purposed in my heart to keep my eyes on the Lord - to allow Him to guide me along. He has been so faithful! To say the journey has not been easy is a massive understatement, but God has walked continuously beside me!
I have experienced an intimacy with Him that I didn't realize existed. I have "felt" His presence with me minute by minute. I have walked in a level of grace that I had only read about in books before this journey. I have had supernatural strength on days when I had none of my own. I have seen God meet my every need. My situation has caused me to be alone much of the time, but I've not been lonely as I've felt His comfort and support. He has counselled me and given me wisdom for the many decisions I've had to make. He has helped me keep going on days when it felt like "too much." I could go on and on. He has been with me in every need!
The "isolation" has been very, very real......but His faithfulness has been even more real. Whether God purposed this time, allowed it, or is simply bringing good from a bad time......I don't know. I don't have to know. What I do know is that the time of isolation has been a gift. It has been the richest season of my life in my walk with Him. I can do nothing but thank Him for it.
"After He had sent the crowds away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray; and when it was evening, He was there alone." Matthew 14:23
"But he would withdraw to desolate places and pray." Luke 5:16
"Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where He prayed." Mark 1:35
"For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory." 2 Corinthians 4:17
"Where can I go from your Spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? If I ascend into heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in hell, behold, you are there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me." Psalm 139:7-10
"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." James 4:8
"As I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and of good courage." Joshua 1:5,6
I've found it encouraging to see that Jesus Himself needed times alone to be with the Father. He withdrew. He needed the quiet and isolation to prepare Himself for what the Father had for Him.
I have no idea what is still ahead, but I'm comforted to know that He is with me.