Why Lord?

It's hard to believe that this year is already half over.  In some ways it seems like the last few months of the pandemic have lasted forever - and in other ways it has flown by.  I can't help but wonder what the second half of this year holds for all of us. 

Floyd is resting peacefully - no changes.  The number of COVID cases is skyrocketing here in South Africa, but thankfully Floyd is okay.  He has many long hours alone.  I've been praying, as I often have on this unexpected journey, for angels to keep him company!

In response to my recent sharing about my 6 year battle with cancer, I was asked a question.  The person said if we know we're going to heaven to be with Jesus when we die - which is a wonderful thing - why do we battle to fight sickness to stay alive?  It wasn't a criticism, it was a simple question - and I think it's a valid one.  There are probably lots of answers to that, but I'll just share my personal journey.

For me the simplest, most basic answer is because I felt the Lord told me to persevere - to not give up.  I actually think that's a foundational principle of the Christian walk with whatever hardship we face, but, for me, it was very specific in what I was facing.  I knew God would have to help me to persevere - and He has!  I also felt there were things He wanted to teach me - and He's done that!  He has been with me every day, every hour, every minute.  Many of those days, hours, and minutes have been hard.....but I have never felt alone.  He has been with me.

Another issue for me is that I wanted to continue to be by Floyd's side in what he was going through.  I vowed before God "for better or worse" in my commitment to Floyd when I married him 53 years ago.  This has definitely been on the "worse" scenario side......but I wanted to be with him.  Because of his condition, I can't physically take care of him myself.  But I have overseen and managed his care during all this time he's been sick.  There have been hundreds of details to take care of.  I'm so grateful that I've been alive to do that.

Still another issue for me is my love for my family - especially my children and grandchildren.  My heart's desire was to see them growing into all God has for them.  I didn't want to leave them prematurely.  I have loved being able to continue watching them grow and mature - especially my two grandchildren.  Watching my granddaughter's high school graduation - even though it was viral and long distance - was a special gift to my heart.

Ultimately, even if we "battle" to fight our illness - we are still in God's hands.  He's in control, not us.  He knows the number of our days.  I could have done everything I've done in fighting cancer, and God could have taken me home long before now.  I realize that my part is to persevere and to also continually give myself into His hands.  He will take me home when it's in His will and timing.  Floyd and I have both been close to death's door - Floyd especially on many occasions, but we're still here.  I believe with all my heart that there are plans and purposes on the heart of God for those delays.  I trust Him for those purposes.

I'm not a theologian, so perhaps I'm being too simplistic - but this is how I have responded, what I believe.  I have had peace on this journey even though it's not always been easy.  I am so grateful for God's sustaining grace that has helped me along.

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial."  James 1:12

"We also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope."  Romans 5:3,4

"Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."  Psalm 139:16 ESV

"You have decided the length of our lives.  You know how many months we will live, and we are not given a minute longer."  Job 14:5 NLT

I see every day as a sweet gift from the Lord.  I'm grateful for that daily gift of life.  On the hard days, God has sustained me.  And someday I'll join him in heaven.  What more could I ask for?  He is good! 

As I have continued to get responses from sharing about my cancer journey, a number of different ones have inquired about asking the "why" question when going through hard times.  Why? is certainly a question that comes into all of our minds when we face a difficulty, a test, a trial - and especially a prolonged time of suffering.  We all have questions of course, but it's important to not let those questions become our focal point.  We have to look at who God is in our situation in spite of our questions. 

I've been taught and mentored in the discipline of asking God if there's something He wants to say to me when I face a hard situation.  Maybe there's something He wants to teach me.  I open my heart and mind to hear and receive from Him if He wants to speak something specific to me.  Perhaps instead of asking why, we simply need to focus on asking what - what does He want to do in the situation.

I can remember very vividly standing by Floyd's bed in ICU in the first few days after he became sick.  I was praying for him, and I asked the Lord if there was something He wanted to say to me about what was happening.  I told Him I trusted Him - and I wasn't demanding  answers, but I wanted to open my heart to anything He wanted to say.

I felt He said that just as I trusted Him, He trusted me......and that He would walk with me through whatever was ahead.  I just needed to keep close to Him and keep my eyes on Him.  That sweet, gentle, loving assurance has carried me through in hard moments over all these months.

I have questions, of course!  I don't understand everything.  I'd love to have some answers, but I'm old enough to know that we often don't get all the answers we want.  That's where true, genuine trust comes in.  Again and again in times of doubt, confusion, or frustration - I will declare to the Lord: "I trust you.  I trust you.  I trust you."  As I speak it out, it takes root in my heart at deeper and deeper levels.  I even ask Him to help me trust Him if I'm struggling.  I sense fresh releases of His grace and strength as I declare my trust in Him.

If we're not careful, we can become so focused on asking "why?" that we miss His grace, strength, and courage to just survive what's happening.  I've seen that happen to people.  God is God.  He may or may not explain to us what is going on.....why something is happening.  We can't demand answers of Him.  And for some things, there may not be specific answers.  We live in a fallen world.  Because of that, we will experience pain and suffering.  I wish we didn't, but we do.  And because of the fallenness in our world, bad things will happen to good people.  There's not a specific reason - it's just a result of the fallen world we live in.  We mustn't agonize over why - we must focus on trusting God to get us through the hard time.

I remember one friend who was facing a big trial in his life.  He said he realized that instead of asking God "why me?" - he should think about asking "why not me?"  He realized he wasn't exempt from facing suffering in his life in our fallen world.  I think that's a helpful perspective for each of us to remember.

Questions and emotions about what we are going through aren't bad.  They're natural.  They're human.  We should tell God how we feel (He knows anyway).  God isn't bothered if we ask questions.  He's big enough to handle our questions!  We see examples of men and women of God asking questions in the Bible.  He didn't strike them down because of it.  He helped them walk through the hard situation.

But the key thing is to not let those questions, those emotions drive a wedge between us and God.  We must focus on His character, His goodness, His faithfulness - even when we don't feel like it or have the answers we want. 

Some examples of those in the Bible asking questions:

David asked, "Oh Lord why do you stand far off?  Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?"  Psalm 10:1

Job asked, "Why have you made me your target?  Have I become a burden to you?"  Job 7:20 

Habbakuk asked, "Why do you make me look at injustice?  Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?"  Habbakuk 1:3

"The disciples asked, "Why was this man born blind?"  John 9:2

And a few verses that make it clear that we'll never understand or have answers to everything! -

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"  declares the Lord.  "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."  Isaiah 55:8,9

"Have you not known?  Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth.  He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable."  Isaiah 40:28

"Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; His understanding is beyond measure."  Psalm 147:5

I should add to that there have been times when God has given me clear answers to some questions I've had.  I have been grateful for that.  And there are times, like now on our long unexpected journey, when I feel like I get "inklings" of understanding over time.

But - the bottom line for all is TRUST.  With or without answers I know I must stand firm in my trust in who God is.  I know that I know that I know that He is good, kind, just, and faithful!