This week Floyd has been pulling himself up more and more. He has done it often while I have been with him. He seems to be "curious." That would be very much like him. :) He pulls himself up to look if he hears someone in the hall - or he looks around the room. I think it's a positive step.
He goes through times of being sleepy, being quiet and attentive, and being upset for short spells of time. He's also given out sweet smiles. :)
Since my recurring diagnosis many have written and said "how much can one take?" Others have said they’re upset or distressed for me. Some have said they’d really like to discuss this with God. :)
I'm touched by such personal concerned for me. It truly warms my heart. It helps keep me from feeling alone. But I certainly don’t want this to shake anyone’s faith in any way! God is good and kind and faithful and loving.
Honestly - this came out of nowhere and has been a surprise to me. I thought I'd reached "my limit." But I KNOW God promises not to give/allow us to have too much. So He must see "more" in me, more in what I can handle, than I see in myself. I trust Him and His character. I know He wouldn't allow my load to be "too" much.
Knowing and trusting God and His character - I have to believe that He'll give me the grace and strength for what is ahead. When I think through some of the details, I get overwhelmed. Some planning is needed, but I'm going to have to be careful not to face things I shouldn't prematurely. I'm just trying to navigate my way through all this.
I had a sweet time of prayer about this. I felt the Lord said to give all the details to Him......and just take it one day at a time. I know that's great advice. I'm endeavoring to do that!
Shortly after that prayer time, someone sent me Chuck Swindoll's devotional for that day…
"And God replies, 'My daughter, I know what I am doing. I know the pain of your heart right now. I know you feel overwhelmed, overloaded, pressed down. But believe Me, I am touched with your situation. And I have a plan! I am working out the details of your deliverance even now. Trust Me!' "
That was sure a timely encouragement!!
While I'm trying to prepare for this, I'm also praying for a miracle. I have to begin to prepare, but something inside me says "don't just 'accept' this.......so I pray for the miracle. I'm asking God to heal both me and Floyd!! Who would have ever dreamed I'd even need to pray for that.
I have sensed all these many months that Floyd has been sick that God is up to something that I can't see. I sense it again for this recurrence of my cancer. All I know to do, all I know to say is I trust Him. Nothing else makes sense to me. He's absolutely, 100% trustworthy!
"If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me." Psalm 139:9, 10 NLT
"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him. Truly He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. One thing God has spoken, two things I have heard: 'Power belongs to you, God, and with you, Lord, is unfailing love.'; and 'You reward everyone according to what they have done.' " Psalm 62:5-8, 11, 12
My confidence is in Him - my Rock, my Refuge!
Someone sent me an article about Floyd that they found. It's from 1979......but it sounds like something he could be saying right now. Floyd didn't know how "prophetic" it would be for him! I've attached it at the bottom of this post.
I so agree with what he said - "God is glorified by people who trust Him in the face of suffering. There is a kind of faith that comes from that, that cannot be gotten any other way." All I can say is, amen - so true. May God give Floyd, me, and our family the grace and trust to continue to walk this unexpected journey with both our illnesses.
A friend wrote me this last week - "I sense, along with you, that God is using your situation and responses to it, to raise up a movement of God that could only be brought about in the crucible of trials and testing. How good and faithful He is to accomplish His loving purposes in ways so far above our own abilities to conceive."
I say "amen" to that too. I sense that many, many, around the world are learning along with us on this journey. God is using it to test us, to teach us, and to train us for things ahead. I don't want to "waste" any lesson that He is bringing our way.
I have to say that I honestly don't know how I am going to make it in the days ahead without Floyd by my side. It feels very daunting. BUT - God has been so awesomely faithful this last year that I know I can trust Him 100% for anything that lies ahead. I am continuing to stay tucked under His wings of protection. Psalm 91:4 and 57:1
"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13
"The Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one." 2 Thessalonians 3:3
"God will do this, for He is faithful to do what He says, and He has invited you into partnership with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord." 1 Corinthians 1:9
"Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds." Psalm 36:5
"Your faithfulness extends to every generation, as enduring as the earth you created." Psalm 119:90
When I read these wonderful promises from His Word, my faith rises that He will see me through. I trust Him - and He has been so incredibly faithful all this past year!!
We've been feeling of late that the Lord is encouraging us to "ask strongly. Don’t be afraid to pray strong and clear prayers. Don’t be afraid to ask for miracles. Don't be timid." We are feeling that the spiritual warfare needs to be stepped up to a new level. A pastor from the U.S. that came and prayed for Floyd this week said that "there have been spiritual delays, but it's time to see the releases and answers to prayer."
For many months I have prayed for a "breakthrough." A few months ago, I felt the Lord encouraged me to pray for a "resurrection." So much has been impacted in Floyd’s body through this illness that it's almost like calling him back from the dead. I've decided to pray for a "resurrection breakthrough."
And now for me, I am praying for this cancer to be healed. I am asking the Lord to destroy it once and for all! I'm asking the Lord to heal it so that I don't have to do chemo.
My heart is encouraged. I feel like we're in a new season, and I'm expectant. It's strange, but my cancer coming back has not discouraged me. I'm so very sorry/frustrated about that......but it just makes me want to push deeper in prayer and believe for miracles. Somehow it feels like the enemy has pushed "too far." I feel a holy, righteous anger rising up against him. Whatever happens, I feel God is going to show Himself victorious!!
"The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cry and saves them." Psalm 145:18,19
"He sent out His word and healed them; He rescued them from the grave." Psalm 107:20
"When He heard this, Jesus said, 'This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it.' " John 11:4
"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." Psalm 119:50
I continue to tell the Lord I trust Him. If He chooses to take Floyd home to heaven, I still trust Him. But I'm feeling stirred to pray for "resurrection." I'm keenly aware that my impressions could be the longing of my heart for healing for Floyd......but I know it's okay to ask, and keep asking, for healing. I'm trying my best to listen clearly and carefully to the Lord. I know that one way or the other (healing or heaven), He has good things in store for Floyd, for me, and for our family.
My prayers are aimed at a clear goal, and my heart rests unwaveringly with Him!