Step by Step

I'm often asked how I've made it through these last years - battling cancer and Floyd's illness (plus a few other things) all at once.  The simple answer is "step by step."  Often times not even a day-at-a-time - but an hour or two at a time!

There's a temptation to look at the "bigness" of everything, but I quickly learned I couldn't do that.  I could only handle a little bit at a time.  I continually called on the Lord for grace, strength, wisdom, and help.  I had to do and decide about things that I had no idea how to handle.  I had to make so many decisions.  To be honest, it was often really overwhelming.

From day 1 when Floyd was admitted to ICU - and through the next 5+ years, I called on the Lord so much that I thought He might get tired of me.  I was so out of my depth in decision after decision that I had to make.  I consulted family, friends, and our lawyer - but mostly I cried out to the Lord.  He was always faithful to help and guide me.  Many times I felt His presence with me and His whispers in my ear of what to do.

It was truly one-step-at-a-time!  I learned that when going through a hard time - don't fight it, don't deny it, don't give up - just lean into the Lord for His always faithful help.

"Be strong...for I am with you."  Haggai 2:4

"From the end of the earth (Cape Town) will I cry unto You, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the Rock that is higher than I."  Psalm 61:2

"You will keep him (her) in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he (she) trusts in You."  Isaiah 26:3

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God."  Philippians 4:6

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."  Psalm 46:1

"When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul."  Psalm 94:19

"The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe."  Proverbs 18:10

I would sometimes picture myself running into that "strong tower."  I would quote verses of promise like the ones above.  I would sing songs declaring God's greatness.  And I would wait on Him for answers to everything I needed to know.

I remember one day walking out of ICU crying because of the "advice" a doctor had just given me.  Everything about it seemed wrong.  I told the Lord I needed His help.  As I walked into the hallway, there were some friends from another country who had come to see Floyd.  They were "angels" God had sent to me.  They hugged me, prayed for me, and helped me get perspective.  It was so timely.

I learned to never make quick decisions if I wasn't feeling at peace.  Sometimes I excused myself to go to the bathroom where I would pray and ask God for help.  We can't give in to pressure if our heart isn't at peace!!  I'll share more about that next time.

God never, ever failed me.  He was with me each step of the way.  He helped and guided me all through those years.  I am so grateful!

Don't Let Disappointment Stick

A few days ago I had a disappointment.  It wasn't some earth-shattering thing.  It was actually quite small, but none-the-less it stuck in my heart.  A day or so later when I realized it was still impacting me, I knew I had to deal with it.  I've learned through the years that even the smallest disappointment, if un-dealt with, can cause big problems.

It's so important to give the disappointment to the Lord.  It frees Him to act, to intervene on our behalf.  It's when He can take lemons and make lemonade.  He can bring good out of a bad or difficult situation because of His creative ability.  We shouldn't pout, or bargain, or threaten.....we just simply turn over the disappointment to Him.

Once I've given my disappointment to the Lord, I know I have to put it behind me - sometimes easier said than done!  I haven't really given it to the Lord if I keep dwelling on it.  I have found that God uses my disappointments - small, medium sized, and large - to help me grow.  Simply put - our disappointments are God's appointments.  He'll use the disappointment for good in our lives.  And once I've given the disappointment to the Lord, I must choose to be content in the situation - even if nothing ever changes.  Again, not always easy!

If I've responded in a wrong way to my disappointment, I know I need to repent.  It frees me from hanging on to the disappointment.  We'll never be completely free of disappointments in life, but we can be free from the burden and weight of them as we respond right to them.  I've been learning all this afresh these last few days!!  Good lessons for me. 

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."  Proverbs 13:12

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  Psalm 34:18

"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."  Philippians 4:11-13

"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:31

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?  Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God."  Psalm 42:11

I guess I still wish the disappointment hadn't been there - that things had gone a different way, but I'm "free" of it.  It's not stuck in my heart!  I'm so very grateful that the Lord helps us with the disappointments in life.  He is good and faithful - in every little detail!

With Me in All Things

I've had a couple unusual things happen recently.  I had a "moment,"  truly just a moment, when I was hit smack dab in the face with grief!  It came out of nowhere and just consumed me.  I'm sure it's partially because of all the tender, sentimental things in this Christmas season that remind me of Floyd.  It honestly took my breath away when it hit my heart so hard.  I sat down and started praying - and so very sweetly - it washed away as quickly as it had come.  My prayer turned to worship as I thanked the Lord for lifting the sorrow from my heart.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."  Matthew 5:4 

"Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows."  Isaiah 53:4 

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."  Psalm 34:18

On a different note, I woke up one morning excited about the day.  That's unusual for me.  I normally wake up and just do what has to be done that day.  But this particular morning I was truly excited as I began my day.  Nothing special was happening, but there was a distinct excitement and joy as I got out of bed.  I'm hoping that continues!  Sometimes I feel like I'm just plodding through my day - I like the excitement more. :)

"Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."  Nehemiah 8:10

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him."  Romans 15:13

"This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it."  Psalm 118:24

I've read enough about the season I'm in to know that both experiences are "normal."  But they were different enough to catch my attention.  I'm so grateful that the Lord is with us in whatever we go through.  I try to glean the lessons He has for me as I walk through this time in my life.  He has been so faithful to me!