Step by Step

I'm often asked how I've made it through these last years - battling cancer and Floyd's illness (plus a few other things) all at once.  The simple answer is "step by step."  Often times not even a day-at-a-time - but an hour or two at a time!

There's a temptation to look at the "bigness" of everything, but I quickly learned I couldn't do that.  I could only handle a little bit at a time.  I continually called on the Lord for grace, strength, wisdom, and help.  I had to do and decide about things that I had no idea how to handle.  I had to make so many decisions.  To be honest, it was often really overwhelming.

From day 1 when Floyd was admitted to ICU - and through the next 5+ years, I called on the Lord so much that I thought He might get tired of me.  I was so out of my depth in decision after decision that I had to make.  I consulted family, friends, and our lawyer - but mostly I cried out to the Lord.  He was always faithful to help and guide me.  Many times I felt His presence with me and His whispers in my ear of what to do.

It was truly one-step-at-a-time!  I learned that when going through a hard time - don't fight it, don't deny it, don't give up - just lean into the Lord for His always faithful help.

"Be strong...for I am with you."  Haggai 2:4

"From the end of the earth (Cape Town) will I cry unto You, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the Rock that is higher than I."  Psalm 61:2

"You will keep him (her) in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he (she) trusts in You."  Isaiah 26:3

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God."  Philippians 4:6

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."  Psalm 46:1

"When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul."  Psalm 94:19

"The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe."  Proverbs 18:10

I would sometimes picture myself running into that "strong tower."  I would quote verses of promise like the ones above.  I would sing songs declaring God's greatness.  And I would wait on Him for answers to everything I needed to know.

I remember one day walking out of ICU crying because of the "advice" a doctor had just given me.  Everything about it seemed wrong.  I told the Lord I needed His help.  As I walked into the hallway, there were some friends from another country who had come to see Floyd.  They were "angels" God had sent to me.  They hugged me, prayed for me, and helped me get perspective.  It was so timely.

I learned to never make quick decisions if I wasn't feeling at peace.  Sometimes I excused myself to go to the bathroom where I would pray and ask God for help.  We can't give in to pressure if our heart isn't at peace!!  I'll share more about that next time.

God never, ever failed me.  He was with me each step of the way.  He helped and guided me all through those years.  I am so grateful!

When the Time Comes

This year has flown by!  We're into Dec., and Christmas is just around the corner.  I love Christmas.  It's always been my favorite time of the year, and I have so many special Christmas memories.  I especially love a beautiful Christmas tree.

During the years that Floyd was sick, I only did my tree once - the Christmas that my grandkids came to visit.  I thought long and hard about whether I wanted to do my tree this year.  It's a lot of work, and it's very tender.  But, I finally decided to do it.  

One of my friends said she thought that was an indication that my heart is healing.  I think she's right.  I took my time, and found that with many of the ornaments it brought back sweet, special memories.  It wasn't hard.  It wasn't painful.  It was lovely.  I actually put my tree up a couple weeks ago so I could enjoy it longer.  Sitting beside it with all the twinkly lights has been so special.  And my heart IS healing!  There were so many painful things from the years that Floyd was sick, but the Spirit is slowly, gently cleansing them from my heart and mind.

There was a dear friend who was so helpful during the years Floyd was sick.  He and his wife visited Floyd 2-3 times a week for all those years - spending quality time with him and praying for him.  He also helped me with lots of problems I faced during those hard times.  After Floyd passed away I gave him a devotional book by Max Lucado that Floyd used all the time.  It was a favorite of his.

In the WHOLE book, there is only one page that had some things underlined.  It's called "when the time comes."  It says things you think you can't face - then says you can "when the time comes."  It says "the key is this:  Meet today's problems with today's strength.  Don't start tackling tomorrow's problems until tomorrow.  You do not have tomorrow's strength yet.  You simply have enough for today."

Oh how I wish I knew what that meant to him.  I often prayed for him that God would give him sufficient strength and grace for all he was going through.  I know God's goodness and faithfulness, so I believe "when the time came" God met him and helped him.  And finding that one page underlined in the book spoke to our friend and to me that God would help us "when the time comes" for everything we face!

"God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."  Matthew 6:34 The Message

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  2 Corinthians 12:9

God has met me time and time again - when the time came!  I am so grateful.  And I'm enjoying my beautiful Christmas tree with memories of our 54 years together.