Things You Shouldn't Say to Cancer Patients

My wife, Sally, has cancer.  Actually, I should say, she is overcoming cancer... and doing a great job of it too.  She is finding joy on her cancer journey.  She looks for joy.  She chooses joy.  And she gives joy to others.  She has bad days and is honest about them when they come, but, her focus is on the good things that God does for her in the midst of her journey. She and I both pray for a miracle but we also keep our focus on the goodness of God. Sally and I are grateful for the support of loving friends.  We have a very caring family (though a long way from where we live in Cape Town – they are in the United States).  We are loved and cared for by an incredible spiritual family too.  Friends, family and co-workers have made the emotional load of cancer much lighter to carry.

I have learned that there is an emotional weight for both the cancer survivor, and the spouse/care giver.

Some people understand that weight, and help lighten the load, while others say or do dumb things to make the load a little heavier.  Fortunately for Sally and I, we have had very little of the latter,  but friends have told us stories... I thought you would enjoy these all too real faux pas.

What not to say...

1.  “My___ (sister, nephew, auntie, etc.) has cancer".  Having someone else in your life with Cancer doesn’t help to comfort this person nor does it help you connect emotionally with them... especially if your person didn’t survive!

My advice:  Don’t mention others you know who have cancer.

2.  “I had cancer and I found this amazing herbal remedy that helped so much.  I think it cured me!  It only cost $150 a bottle.” Vitamins, supplements and proven helps are a blessing if they are a gift.  But ask if you can give them.  Don’t promote or propose weird solutions or remedies that you or somebody else you know used.

My advice:  Don’t give medical advice.

3.  “Did you know that cancer is caused by a root of bitterness?  Is there anybody you need to forgive?  Forgiveness releases healing from cancer.”  At this point it would be hard not to feel bitterness toward you!

My advice:  Ask them to leave.

4.  “God will heal you if you have more faith.”  Enough said.

My advice:  Ask them to leave.

5.  “Wow, you lost your hair.” Duh.  If someone says something awkward about losing your hair they normally accompany the statement with rude staring.

My advice:  Be gracious and change the subject.

6.  “Did you know cancer is caused by eating processed foods?”

My response:  “Then bring me a steak from free-range beef.”

7.  “I brought you a gift.  I just love jig-saw puzzles.  I think you will love this 5000 piece puzzle of a herd of 500 Zebras!  I think it will be so relaxing for you and take your mind off...well, just enjoy it.”

My advice:  Don’t give gifts you are not sure will be helpful or wanted.  Especially Zebra puzzles!

8.  “God told me you don’t have cancer!”

My advice:  Don’t say that.  Pray for that, but don’t say it.

9.  “Drink five glasses a day of wild-grass smoothies mixed with Mongolian mushrooms.  Tastes great and it works wonders.  It does give you gas and bad constipation and stomach cramps, but it works.”

My response:  “Wild what?!!!”

Good to know:   Don’t hug a person on chemo or allow anyone to visit them who has a cold, flu, etc., or who has a family member who is sick. Chemo treatment weakens the immune system and makes a person more vulnerable.  A cold or flu can throw off the chemo treatment schedule and put a person at greater risk for the chemo not to have its intended impact of killing off cancer cells.

What to say...

Below are some things our friends have said or done for us that are a huge blessing.  Just this morning my friend Archie told me his daughter Kaylee prays for Sally every day!  Here’s a few suggestions...

1. Tell the person you care for them and you love them.  It nourishes one’s heart.

2. Say you are praying – if you are.  It always encourages us to hear that.

3. Ask how they are doing.  There are stories to tell!

4. If the person has lost their hair, compliment them on how cute they look, and move on to another topic.

5. Listen a lot.

6. Talk about life.  Laugh.  Catch up on family, and be yourself.  Talk about movies you’ve seen, books you have read, people you know in common.  Talk about everyday life.

7. Bring a meal – but ask what kind of food they like ahead of time.

8. Write encouraging notes, SMS’s/text messages, and send uplifting scriptures.

9. Give them flowers.  They fill a bedroom or house with beauty.

If you want to know more, here are three books that have been very helpful to us:

The Chemotherapy Survival Guide, by Judith McKay and Tamara Schacher.  This book was written by two oncology nurses and was immensely helpful and medically very informative.  Describes what chemotherapy is, preparing for treatment, preventing and coping with side affects, eating right for recovery, getting the support you need, relieving stress, preparing for and managing care, and living life after cancer treatment.

Caring for a Loved One With Cancer, by June Hunt.  Fifty very practical, 1-2 page chapters filled with ideas about how to care for a friend or family member with cancer.

Healed:  Strength for Care Givers and Cancer Fighters, by Angela Peterson.  More from the faith angle but without condemnation.  Uplifting.

Mindfulness

“When you’re mindful… rules, routines, and goals guide you - they don’t govern you.”  Ellen Langer (Harvard Business Review, March, 2014)

The skill of “observation” is a lost art for many leaders.  Observation, or “mindfulness”, is the art of actively learning new things from our daily experiences.

Mindfulness makes you more sensitive to context and culture.  Mindfulness is intentional, but not stressful or exhaustive.  It comes naturally once you develop the skill.

Why is mindfulness important?  You can’t solve today’s problems with yesterday’s solutions. The rules you have been given are the rules that worked for the person who created them. If someone says, “This is the way we do it, learn this until it is second nature”, bells should go off in your head.  If they are speaking about values, that is one thing, but if they are speaking about methods, that is another thing entirely.  Principles never change, but methods always do.

Benefits of mindfulness:

  • You learn to observe what others are doing, how they are feeling, and what they are communicating non-verbally

  • You pay attention more easily

  • You ask better questions

  • You learn by listening and observing

  • You become more innovative

  • You are more fully present

  • You are able to take advantage of opportunities when they are available

  • You become less judgmental about others

  • Mindfulness alleviates boredom

Defining Priorities in Work and Life

Prospering in life comes as a result of the careful combining of work and home. This focus is important in order to ensure you don't lose yourself, your loved ones, and your foothold in life. Those leaders that effectively involve their families in work decisions and activities are healthier people. Those that don’t, face the danger of creating two distinct worlds that cause emotional and spiritual detachment from the ones they love most. Healthy and happy, older leaders are those men and women who have learned to vigilantly manage their own time and energy. Younger leaders don’t think they need balance because they have an abundance of ambition and energy, but the pace of life that is fueled by this youthful zeal, will eventually cause burn out. You can go hard for ten, twenty, even thirty years, but flesh energy will give out at some point. Then what do you have left?

90% of the time you need to say no, so you can say yes to the right people and the right things. Saying yes too often prevents you from having the time to saying yes when you really should.

Many senior leaders have sustained their momentum by staying connected to their families. Their stories and advice for younger leaders reflect their early life choices to build support networks at home and among friends.

Senior leaders who don’t have balance feel they can achieve this balance by constant “juggling,” which prevents them from engaging meaningfully at home or at work. Learn to make deliberate choices about which opportunities to pursue so you can be truly effective in both areas of your life. Leaders who carefully manage their human resource maintain a higher degree of satisfaction in life and are more effective in what they do in service to others.

Adopt or Plant?

Movements of churches tend to emphasize adoptions or new church plants, but rarely can you do both on a significant scale and be successful.  Here is the challenge: whatever existing churches you adopt under your brand, you need to manage. It’s a matter of alignment. If the churches you adopt do not have the same leadership style, ministry philosophy, core values and vision, there will be dilution or conflict, or both.   One pastor here in South Africa confided in me, “Our movement adopted a large network of churches in Kenya. I deeply regret doing so. We inherited a lot of leadership problems that have cost us huge amounts of time and finances. We met some wonderful people in the process, but it has shaped who we are as a movement in ways we did not want.”   Know what you are called to do, and do that well, but don’t try to mix the two approaches. Those who are called to birth and build apostolic movements should be super-cautious about adopting existing churches they did not plant. Every adopted church brings with it a set of expectations, needs, and values that may be incompatible with your calling to focus on “building on no other mans foundation.”

Letter From Sally

Hello, I was encouraged and inspired by a story a South African friend sent to me recently. It dates back to 1902 during a war here in South Africa. Some women were sitting in the dirt in a concentration camp - hungry, discouraged, praying for the war to end. One of the ladies glanced at her open Bible and looked at Matthew 29:31:

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows."

The lady shares this verse with the other ladies, and as she does, a sparrow (called a mossie here in South Africa) came and sat on her shoulder. The ladies had their hope restored that night.

In May of that year, a peace treaty was signed to end the war. The same lady from that group of women sitting in the dirt approached the wife of the president and requested the Bible verse about the sparrows be reflected on the country's one cent coins.

From 1923 to 2002 two sparrows (mossies) were embossed on the one cent coin making South Africa the only country in the world with a Bible verse as an image on its coins.

During World War II, parents gave the one cent coin to their sons who went to war as soldiers to remind them of their value in the Lord's eyes - He knows every sparrow!

Years later, a South African lady went to the U.S. to help rehabilitate soldiers injured in the Vietnam war. She gave each soldier a one cent sparrow coin and told them the story, reminding them He cared about them and their injuries.

I've reflected often on this story during some of my hard moments. The God who knows every sparrow......and knows the numbers (or lack of them right now in my case) of every hair on my head.......is so mindful of every thing I'm walking through. I love how much He cares!!!

My next chemo is on Tues., Sept. 2. The chemo days seem to come up quickly. I find myself dreading going through it all again, and yet realizing I'll be half way through with this round. That's important for me to keep in mind.

I've had several "good" days this past week - so, so wonderful! I've tried to build up my energy and strength to get ready for the next round. I don't bounce back as quickly as I did when I was younger, and yet I feel the Lord strengthening me!

It'll be a wonderful day when I can speak of all this in the past tense. Until then, thank you for standing with Floyd and me, praying for us, encouraging us, believing with us. We are so grateful! I find myself thanking Him for caring about each sparrow......and caring for Sally. :)

With loving gratitude,

Sally & Floyd

How to Build Longevity on Your Team

As a young leader I was impressed to learn that well-known evangelist Billy Graham was surrounded by a team of long serving friends and co-workers, most of whom had been with him since the beginning of his campaign career. The team began to be formed in the mid-1940’s, and stayed together for over half a century.

Team familiarity and trust influences how a team performs. The trend both in the church and corporate world is fast turnover and rapid advancement, which leaves little room for permanence on teams. Churches and businesses alike suffer because of this trend. But research is showing that longevity on teams pays rich dividends in more than one way.

My impression is that teams, like individuals, experience learning curves. They do better as members become familiar with one another. Roles may change within a team of secure individuals, but if egos are out of the way, the benefit of adjusting to one another’s strengths and limitations creates a learning culture.

A Harvard Business Review article on longevity on teams (December, 2013, page 28) suggests five factors are responsible for the effect long serving teams have on their organization:

  1. Co-ordinated activities – team members that have learned to work together carry those relationships into future projects and activities

  2. Learning where the knowledge lies – team members learn who has what strengths and rely on those strengths as they work together

  3. Responding to change – team familiarity provides a stable environment and allows for change to happen in the least threatening manner possible

  4. Integrating past knowledge with future innovation – creative solutions are usually the result of combinations of knowledge and experience from different people on the team

  5. Capturing value – strong, united teams attract people and resources

Instead of focusing on solving conflict on teams, it is more helpful to focus on the life-giving strengths that hold teams together. Build on what gives life to your team, not what problems the team has to overcome to stay together. Life attracts life. Vision attracts vision. And healthy people attract healthy people.

Take a few moments to reflect on what your team does well. Share your reflections with your team, and ask the others to contribute to the list. Brag on those who have helped build the team. Give some thought as to how you can cultivate your strengths as a team.

Speak and Lead from the Heart

Recently I listened to a well-known leader speaking on leadership.  It was passionless.  Flat.  Carrying no emotion.  Just information.  It made minimal impact on the audience.  Great content, but it left me wondering what he really believed. Skepticism will be transformed to belief when your listeners believe that YOU believe in what you are saying.  Delivering a deeply emotional talk will be powerful if the problem is clearly described and the solution you speak about is compelling.  Don’t hold back from imploring people to respond to a cause you are passionate about.

People will be willing to make difficult changes in their lives if you speak from your heart.

People follow passionate leaders, not positions of leadership.

Speaking from the heart allows you to lead from the heart and will inspire people to follow you.

“Your job as a leader is to tap into the power of higher purpose – and you can’t do that by retreating to the analytical.  If you want to lead, have the courage to do it from the heart.”   Gail McGovern, President and CEO, American Red Cross.

Sally's Update

Dear Praying Friends, You've been praying.......there have been answers!!  My white blood cells went from dangerously low to almost normal in 2 weeks.  That was pretty amazing, and a wonderful answer to prayer!  I couldn't have continued my treatment without that.

With my 2nd chemo treatment, I'm now a third of the way through.  That seems much less daunting than thinking of how much is left. :)  The side effects from the 2nd round seemed easier......definitely an answer to prayer.  I can imagine the "shock" of all that chemo going in the first time must have been a jolt to the body.  They adjusted my anti-nausea and sleeping meds., which has been a big help.  I've had more pain this time, but less of other symptoms.

My lovely photo quilt that I mentioned in the last update (from our daughter, son-in-law and grandkids) was oohed and aahed over in the chemo room!  It was so special.  I felt surrounded by love. Lots of the patients and nurses were so touched by the thoughtfulness of it from family so far away.  I've attached a photo below of being "hugged" by family during my chemo treatment.

I also have a new look......the bald look.  It's been an adjustment.  I was prepared mentally, but the emotions really hit me when I kept looking in the mirror.  You can see my new look below too.  I waited a few days to share the look because I didn't want to get my computer wet while I was typing about it. :(  I'm not quite sure why some people choose this look - it feels so much more vulnerable!  But I have been told I have a nice shaped head!  :) I'd have never known!!

We've been having a mild winter with lots of sunny days.  I know it's not just for me, but it feels like a "gift."  I just seem to feel better when the sun shines!  A number of people have told me they've prayed for that.

Some new prayer points:

-  We're working with the airlines canceling all our tickets for our planned travel of the next few months. Please pray with us for favor for that.  Some are easier to work with than others!  Please pray that we won't lose too much on all the cancellation fees.

-  Please pray for the evenings for me.  They seem to be the hardest.  I'm not sure if it's because I'm tired and my energy is low, but that seems to be when some of the worst side effects hit.  I also feel vulnerable emotionally at night.

While I'm going through this personal story, the ministry side continues on.  We send a new team to Jordan this week to work with the refugees. We have an important leadership meeting coming up there in Sept. too. I'd love for Floyd to still go.  Please pray for wisdom in deciding about that.

Many of you write to ask how I'm doing.  I'm so touched by that.  But please know, too, that I'm trying to not bombard you with too many emails. I know this is a long season!  I have months to go in treatment.  If you'd prefer not to receive emails, please let me know.  I understand!!!  I'm trying to send "breaking" news, but not over do it.

I have come to a new appreciation of the fellowship and prayers of the saints in these days.  Family, friends, prayer partners - more precious than gold!  Thank you for loving us and standing with us in this season. With love and gratitude, Sally & Floyd Ps. 18:18  "They confronted me in the day of my calamity; but the Lord was my support.  He brought me out into a broad place; he delivered me, because he delighted in me."

I'm looking forward to that "broad place" He has for us in the future.  He's so faithful to bring good from hard times!

 

First Impressions

Biased first impressions create hierarchy in groups.  They are driven by perceptions about age, race, gender and education.  True leaders counter biases and influence the group to see differently.

How do we re-set our first impressions?

  • Rethink generalization of people

  • Repent of negative first impressions of people

  • Pray a simple prayer about your reactions to people:  “Father, let me see what you see about this person, and allow me to feel what you feel about them.”

  • Rephrase negative or thoughtless statements about people

Words have power.

Rethink,   repent,   rephrase...  choose a more generous attitude toward others.

Urban Culture Transcends Borders

My urban journey has gone from Kabul to Amsterdam to Cape Town and as I lived in these very different places, I became fascinated with the rise of cities.  I was provoked to develop a theology of the city, which I have reflected in my book, 'Seeing the City With the Eyes of God'.

Here is what I learned about urban culture:

  • Urban cultures are like mountain tops... everything flows down from there to smaller towns and rural areas regardless of national borders and language differences.

  • Urban cultures are trend setters.   What happens in cities today happens in the rest of the world 5 and 10 years from now.

  • Urban cultures are multi-ethnic.  When I moved to Amsterdam there were 114 languages spoken in the city.  Today, there are more than 180 languages spoken there.

  • Vast segments of worldwide urban culture identify with American youth culture via TV, music and movies.

  • This identification is producing a hostility and backlash in certain parts of the world, namely the Middle East and the Muslim world.

  • Urban young adults are vastly different from their rural counterparts.

  • Urban sub-cultures are like villages stacked on top of each other, connecting via ethnic similarity and language, not urban geography.

  • Cities have personalities... some are financial centers, some are fashion and cultural trend setters, and still others are the center of gravity for spiritual appetite and curiosity.

The Focused Leader

I learned an essential leadership skill from a mentor.  The skill of giving undivided attention.

This man always looked people in the eye, smiled and listened attentively.  He did not allow others to interrupt.  He worked at remembering peoples names.

People were important to him -  and it showed.

Great leaders focus... inwardly... on others... on the world around them.

Leadership is not just a set of skills.  It starts with an attitude that says "you are important".

Most leadership programs focus on what a leader should know and do, but the true starting point is focusing on people.

Turn off your smart phone, blank out the activity around you and make the person in front of you feel important by giving them what is most valuable to you...  your time and your undivided attention.

Africa's Time is Now

African nations are beginning to take responsibility for Africa – instead of looking for handouts from the West. Africa’s economy is growing faster than that of any other continent.

However, there are 50-plus countries in Africa, so the growth needs to be looked at country by country to get an accurate understanding of what is happening in Africa.

African economies are synergistic. To look at Africa in a fractured light is to miss the dynamism of the whole. China certainly has not made that mistake. Presently, China has trade agreements with every country in Africa.

One example of the growth of the African economy is the explosion of mobile telephone usage across Africa. The Praekelt Foundation has focused on this phenomenon (www.praekeltfoundation.org ) and thus has become an incubator on mobile technology which improves the health and well-being of millions of African people living in poverty. There are now more than 450 million hand phones in use in Africa, almost one for every two people in Africa.

How to Prompt Trustworthiness in Others

When we feel and express gratitude towards others it fosters a sense of trustworthiness in them, which in turn, leads to trustworthy behaviour.  Even the most broken person has potential for greatness.  When we see that potential, we convey it in our attitude.

Be intentional about expressing belief and gratitude in people and you will inspire them to hope in themselves...even when hope has been destroyed in their past

Who Can You Trust?

God's trust in us is a gift based on His grace.  We should trust people for the same reason... His grace.  After all, everything outside of hell is grace.

Most people don't rise above the expectations of others unless there is someone who believes in them, who really thinks they are worth believing in.

Be a leader who believes in people and you will attract them to your cause and inspire them to grow.   Be a leader who sees the potential in others and draws them into their own personal greatness...

How Should We Portray Female Leaders?

The questions we ask and the words we use to frame the conversation about women in leadership can be biased and offensive if we are not careful. Our choice of language can reinforce negative stereotypes of female leaders. Women should not be portrayed as “bossy, emotional or too nice” just as men are not to be described as “chauvinistic, insensitive and domineering.” There are biases that hold female leaders back. We need to identify them, examine them, and get rid of them. Generalizations are not helpful in dealing with this topic. Certain leaders who write on this topic would not use generalizations about minority groups as “lazy, uneducated and aggressive.” They should no less use negative generalizations about women.

Maleness and femaleness are both reflections of God’s nature and character. We need both men and women in roles of leadership to give a fully rounded reflection of God’s perspective on things.

Temptation After Victory

Most leaders make their greatest mistakes after their greatest successes.  Beware the temptations that come after a great victory.  When things go well, don't let it go to your head.  Everything good in your life is a result of the blessing of God.

When God uses you, get on your knees and thank him.  He is the source and the goal of all that we do that has lasting value in people's lives.

When people honor you, simply say, "Thank you" and in the same breath say from the heart, "I'm glad God used me."

And mean it.

Reframing Our Mindset About Problems

Problems are opportunities. The trick is to reframe your perspective from one of solving problems to appreciating an opportunity. You have to shift your perspective from inside (your church / business / school / synagogue) to outside, (how visitors / members / students / clients) perceive it.

It means asking those you serve how they want to be served, not how you have grown accustomed to serving them. How do your customers experience your business? How do students perceive the learning environment you have provided? How do members and visitors enjoy the life of your community?

The common approach to problem solving is a simple three-step approach:

1. Identify the problem

2. Outline possible solutions

3. Define the way forward from there

The problem with this approach is just that…it is a “problem” oriented approach.

Rather, search for what is working well for those you serve, and build on life, not on difficulties. What do people appreciate? What is life giving to them? What is working well is what needs to be expanded and improved, not what is not working.