The Balm Of Truth

Floyd continues to be a combination of active and quiet this week.  Some friends came to the hospital to give him a haircut.  And on one of the beautiful warm days, the therapists took him outside for some fresh air and sunshine.  I'm sure he loved it. It's his first time to sit outside in almost 9 months.  He always enjoys being outdoors!

I think sometimes he is bewildered by all that is going on around him.  I see it reflected in his eyes.  I can only imagine how strange (frightening?) it must feel to have no control over what is happening to you - and not understand things.  We keep praying for the Spirit to remind him that he is loved and not abandoned. 

There are many things that have been hard/difficult over the last months.  It’s been a challenging time on so many levels.  But there are two things in particular that have seemed constant – and difficult. 

The first one is the “aloneness.”  We married so young (18 and 21) – we say we “grew up” together. :)  A deep friendship developed as we learned and grew.  We’ve considered ourselves each other’s best friends.  We talked about everything.  We loved being together.  We had lots of plans for the future years.  

It feels so strange not to have Floyd to talk to, process with, ask advice, and just share life after being together for 49 years.  Everything happened so quickly with his illness.  When things started on that Tuesday morning, we were just dealing with the problem of the pain – trying to find out what was wrong and how to bring relief.  There was no inkling of where this was headed and how things would end up.  I would have never dreamed that all these months later he would be in this condition.  It often feels surreal.

I would have loved to have talked about “what if.”  And how shall I handle a myriad of things?  What would you like me to do?  There was never even a chance to say goodbye because we had no idea it would be needed.

I wish I could turn the clock back and do things differently.  But we rarely get those kinds of opportunities.  I saw a phrase recently that spoke to me - "When God conceals His purposes, He consoles with His promises."  God has no responsibility to tell us all His purposes.  I've longed to know what God is "up to."  But I don't yet understand.  However He doesn't just leave us on our own - He consoles us.  I love how God balances things out!

I've been reflecting on a few of His promises.  There are so many that it would take whole books to mention all of them.

"God will meet all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:19   -   He'll take care of me, meet my needs.  He'll be a husband to me in Floyd's absence.

" 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."  2 Corinthians 12:9   -   His grace is sufficient - His power will be with me in my weakness.  He's not frustrated or disappointed in me when I'm weak.  It's an opportunity for Him to show His power.

"I can do all things through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13   -   He'll remember that I'm weak.  He'll give me strength.

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."  Hebrews 13:5   -   I may feel alone as I shared above.....but I'm not!!!  He never forsakes me.  He never abandons me.  He never leaves me on my own.  Thank you Lord!

The second thing that has been very hard is that I feel “stuck” in a situation – while life around me continues on.  This contributes to the feeling of aloneness.  I am alone – while everyone else continues on with life, activities, etc.  I have to daily keep going with no end in sight to what I'm walking through.  It's a bit like being on a never-ending merry-go-round.......that goes around and around and around.  The scenery doesn't change.  The horse I'm riding on doesn't change direction.  It just keeps going around endlessly.

I don't exactly know how to describe it.  It feels claustrophobic - like things are closing in on me in the "sameness" day after day.  And while I love going to be with Floyd, it's also such an emotional experience each and every time.  I expect it to get easier because I know what to expect, but it doesn't.

There is nothing “wrong” about any of this – and I certainly want everyone else to continue on with their lives.  But it’s a just part of the challenge of what I face in my life right now.  It accentuates everything else.  I ask for His grace to be faithful as I circle around and around.

Again, as with just about everything in my life, I turn to the Word with this burden. The Word speaks to what I'm walking through and nourishes my heart to not faint, but persevere.

"I know whom I have believed, and I am sure that He is able to guard until that day what has been entrusted to me."  2 Timothy 1:12   -   I have come to realize that God has "entrusted" this journey to me.  I don't know why.  I don't feel adequate to the task, but He's given it to me.  I know that HE can help me "guard" this path I'm walking on and fulfill His purposes.

"David strengthened himself in the Lord His God."  1 Samuel 30:6   -   Every time I feel weak, overwhelmed, stuck, inadequate - I breathe a prayer and ask for extra strength.  Thank goodness God has a never-ending supply to draw on and give to me.

"The eternal God is your dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms."  Deuteronomy 33:27   -   When I'm feeling particularly weak, I picture myself relaxing into His strong arms........or running to a secure dwelling place where I'm safe.

"I cried to the Lord with my voice, and He heard me from His holy hill."  Psalm 3:4   -   Every time I'm feeling alone, stuck, like I just can't make it - I cry out.  He hears me from His holy hill in heaven and sends His Spirit to help and rescue me.

I'm so grateful for God's faithfulness in meeting me in these things.  He never reprimands me for my vulnerability and tenderness, my "rawness" in the emotions of it, my weakness.......He always responds with love and grace.  And His word pours the balm of truth and who He is into my wounds.  Thank you Lord!

Over these months the Lord has given me a way to process and handle these difficult times.  God always provides help for what we face!

I've found that there are three simple keys/tools He's given me to respond with when I'm feeling weak, in need, vulnerable:

-   The first is to simply dig deeper in my walk with the Lord.  At the point of difficulty, I need to immediately acknowledge my need, my weakness. Doing that is a protection from the enemy trying to exploit my vulnerability with his lies!  It also stops the focus of being on my needs, and turns it to a positive of deeper intimacy and friendship with Him.  I'm sure one of the things the Lord wants to do in me during this journey is draw me closer to Himself!

I should also say - that sometimes when the hurt and pain is so deep and overwhelming, it may be hard to even pray and turn to Him.  I find I have to choose to do that - to fix my mind on Him not on my troubles!  It can be hard when the pain is so strong.  But as I ask for His help, and go deeper in my love for Him, it brings peace of mind and calmness of spirit.

-   As I'm doing this, I need to immerse myself in the truth of the Word.  Going to the Word is so important because it takes the focus off of what I'm feeling to the solid foundation of what God says in His Word.  The promises from the Word can also be turned into prayers.  And, again, speaking out the firm, secure, wonderful truth from the Word is a further protection from the enemy.

-   I also find it so very helpful to bring to mind how God has met me and our family in the past with answered prayer.  I recall specific testimonies to mind of His goodness, His help, His provision, His healing.  It's a "stake in the ground" in declaring God can do this!!  He's helped us before and He'll do it again!  It builds faith in my heart, and it releases a spirit of praise by acknowledging His faithfulness in the past.

In moments of vulnerability and weakness, I have found these steps to be incredibly life giving and helpful.  It turns the difficult moments around, and gets them focused in the right direction.

The "secret" of finding His peace is in giving every pain, every care to Him.

"I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me.  You are my help and my deliverer."  Psalm 40:17   -   We are always in His thoughts, and He is ready to deliver!

I have been thinking about a quote I read.  "Faith is the link that connects our weakness to God's strength."  I pictured a heavy gold link charm bracelet in my mind.  One end is a charm that symbolizes my weakness, my tiredness, my vulnerability.  On the other end is a charm that symbolizes God's power, might, strength, sufficiency.  And in between are links of FAITH!

I feel challenged to keep faith alive in my heart.  Faith for all of God's plans and purposes to be fulfilled.  Faith for God to meet me day by day on this long journey.  Faith for abundant strength and grace.  Faith for God to be glorified in His will for Floyd.

"Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know."  Jeremiah 33:3   -   He'll show us difficult things, impossible things.  He'll answer prayers that we hardly have faith for, because He is great!

"The word which they heard did not profit them, not being mixed with faith in those who heard it."  Hebrews 4:2   -   Faith - that very important link that we need!

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."  Hebrews 11:1   -   I want to keep my faith alive to pray for what I do not yet see!

Some days in my tiredness, I don't think I can......but He can.  I'm stirring my faith up to receive from His mighty hand!

Abounding In Hope

Following Floyd's condition is like riding a roller coaster - up and down. He has been responding well to some of his therapy, and his kidneys have improved a bit.  He has also understood and responded to some of the things we have been saying to him.  There have been days of being alert and days of being very sleepy and weak.  

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."  Romans 15:13

This verse has been echoing in my mind for days.  I feel God is stirring my heart to not give up hope.  The hope is for healing or heaven - it's God's choice......but I feel God wanting me to keep the hope alive for all of God's purposes to be fulfilled on this journey.  To not "let down" because I'm sick, tired, weary.  

It's been a long journey.  I'm grateful for all those who have persevered with us in prayer.  I know it isn't easy!  But God has a plan, and I feel He's saying to keep the hope alive for what He is doing and what He has in mind.

Recently I came upon an article that Floyd had written in 1989 about "when things don't work together for good."  He's referring to Romans 8:28.  I loved reading his article in the midst of this journey we're on.  He started out by saying in the original Greek the verse actually says - "in all things God works for good," not things.

I thought I'd share his points with you:

- God will be with us.  He never promises that everything in life will go perfectly.  But He promises that with whatever problem or difficulty we face, He will be right with us in the circumstances we are walking through.

- We will be victorious.  "In all these things we are more than conquerors."  God isn't promising worldly success, but He's promising us spiritual victory.  In the mist of hardship, sickness, persecution, famine, danger, even death - we will be conquerors.  How?  We trust Him!  We give Him glory in the midst of difficulty.

- We are loved.  Verse 37 - our victory is "through Him who loves us." The love He gives us isn't dependent on the circumstances.  Our intimate love relationship with Him is based on His victory on the cross.  We are forgiven.  We are redeemed.  We are reconciled to Him.  No one, and no circumstance, can take that away from us.

As I read through the article - I could almost hear Floyd's voice - and I loved the smiling picture of him.  Floyd was reminding me - God is with us.  We'll be victorious in Him, and He's with us in this long trial.  He loves us.  It was a sweet encouragement to find this article with Floyd "speaking." : )

I've felt the Lord saying to me all these months that gratefulness will keep bitterness from my heart.  As I thank Him for His faithfulness on this long journey, it protects my heart from being poisoned by any negativity.  I'm so thankful for that.  And there is so, so much to thank Him for!

"On the day I called, you answered me; my strength of soul you increased."  Psalm 138:3

I have called out to Him daily - usually many, many times a day.  He has carefully carried and strengthened my soul.  He has strengthened me physically.   He has protected me.  He has given me eyes to see His goodness.  He has sustained me.  He has deflected negative darts from my heart.  He has helped me keep my focus on the truth of who He is in the midst of trials.  How wonderfully faithful He has been!

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord Himself, is the Rock eternal."  Isaiah 26:3,4

I have been meditating on His grace this week.  I remembered hearing Floyd speak about it years ago, and went back to some of those thoughts.

"For the Lord God is a sun and shield.  The Lord gives grace and glory. No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly."  Psalm 84:11

"God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work."  2 Corinthians 9:8

"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."  Hebrews 4:16

Once again, I'm so grateful for the clarity of God's word.  He has outlined how we find help for every need, including His grace. 

** His grace enables us to face whatever is before us.  No matter how great our need, the divine resources He has for us are never exhausted! His plan is for us to turn to Him in our weakness, and He will meet us with His strength and power.

** He wants us to dig deep when the need for His grace grows.  He doesn't run out of grace!  There's plenty there for us, but we may need to go deeper in Him for our need to be met.  Just a few steps past the darkest, unplanned moment of need lies the deepest, fullest grace.  I'm digging deeper these days!

** He wants us to depend on Him, on His sufficient grace.  In fact, we can only receive the grace He has for us when we depend on Him.  It's His favor and blessing as we depend on Him at our deepest levels.

I've also felt Him reminding me that I have to get new grace each day.  I can't bear tomorrow's burdens with today's grace.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  How true! Matthew 6:34

I am digging deep for His enabling grace while telling Him how utterly dependent I am on Him.  He meets me afresh each day.  How grateful I am for His grace.

Jesus Is Awesome!

I can't believe we're in November already!  The year has been intense, and seems to have gone by so quickly.  I have spent most of it at the hospital!  Not my favorite place I have to say.

In the past few weeks we had a meeting with Floyd's head doctor to get some more understanding of Floyd's condition and the time ahead.  He told us that there is no way they can help improve his condition.  Medically speaking, they are at a loss.  We've heard this before, but it was very sobering to be faced with it again.  The doctor said because of Floyd's limited cognitive ability, he doesn't feel Floyd is aware of everything.  For instance, he doesn't think Floyd would be aware of the passage of time.  So there is hope that he may be more at peace than we know.  He may not be suffering as much as we feared.

After these recent meetings we've had with Floyd's doctors and therapists, I found myself very tired and emotionally drained.  I am facing lots of decisions about Floyd's care.  It is challenging and intense for me.  I've been encouraged by a number of people that the Lord's "got" me!  He is carrying me, and He won't give me more than I can handle.  I am trying my best to rest in His love, receive His peace, and let Him carry the burdens.  He is able and sufficient!

"The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; He will save, He will rejoice over thee with joy; He will rest in His love, He will joy over thee with singing."  Zephaniah 3:17

Other versions say "He will quiet you in His love."

"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give you; not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."  John 14:27

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." Psalm 68:19

I love how the Word speaks so specifically to what we need.  I thank Him for His goodness!

A lady I know in the U.S. sends me her weekly blog post sharing inspiring and devotional thoughts.  I've been thinking and reflecting on a recent one.  The points below are hers - the comments are mine.

- Jesus is no respecter of persons.  I've often thought that God doesn't "owe" us anything.  When I pray, or ask for prayers, for Floyd - I'm very aware that anything we receive from Him is a gift.  He doesn't care any more or any less for us than others of His children.   

- Jesus shows up in obscure and remote places.  And I would add that He often shows up when we least expect it!  And He often doesn't show up or answer our prayers when we think He should.  We don't have to be in church for Him to show up.  I remember when we lived in Afghanistan thinking that I was so glad it wasn't too remote for Him to answer our prayers there......and He answered so many!

- Jesus waits for us to call out to Him.  He loves for us to ask!  I think He wishes we would call out to Him more.  He wants to be involved in all aspects of our lives.  Nothing is too big - or too small for us to ask.

- Jesus honors our faith.  His answers don't depend on our faith - they're because of who He is!  But He loves for us to believe.  He wants us to grow in our faith.  He wants us to "expect" answers from Him.

- Jesus deserves praise and thanks!  There have been times when I've been so excited about the answers to prayer, that I almost forgot to stop and thank Him!!  He loves our praise and worship.  He responds to thankful hearts.  He created us to worship Him and have fellowship with Him.

As I've been thinking of these aspects about Jesus, it's made me aware all over again of how awesome He is!

"Jesus, name above all names.

Beautiful Savior, glorious Lord.

Emmanuel, God is with us.

Blessed Redeemer, Living Word."

"Therefore God exalted Him to the highest place, and gave Him the name that is above every name."  Philippians 2:9

I'm so grateful that Jesus invites our prayers.  He listens.  He cares. He is answering in ways that we don't even know. We can keep asking!

Just this past week I was reminded that when Jesus did some of His miracles, He wasn't in a hurry.  We see this with Lazarus and with Jairus' daughter.  I keep thinking that if God is planning to heal Floyd, I'm sure He has His own time table for it.

I was reading Job 14:5-7 too.  "A man's days are numbered. You know the number of his months.  He cannot live longer than the time You have set."  If God plans to take Floyd home, He also has His time table for that.

All I can do is look to Him, and keep trusting for His will to be done.

Through the months that we have prayed for Floyd, there were many times when it seemed we were doing spiritual warfare.  Certainly times when we felt to resist the enemy - to stand against him and his plans and purposes.  It would seem we should have conquered and moved beyond that.

But I find myself standing against the enemy more and more - rather than less!  I sense that there is still warfare going on in the spiritual realm during this journey of intercession we are involved in.  I feel the enemy is fighting.  I don't know exactly what the battle is, but the enemy isn't giving up.  One friend said maybe he knows his time is running out and he's losing.  Thank goodness we know that Jesus is the victor!!  I just keep praising the Lord that He is over all, and that His purposes will be accomplished in this journey!

"Great trials often precede great triumphs."  This has been a long, hard journey - but I believe God has some victories in mind for the Kingdom through it.

"Victory rests with the Lord."  Proverbs 21:31

God Is In Control

This week the doctor said that Floyd’s condition is much the same - he's still battling the infections.  He has been a combination of quiet and attentive sometimes, and feisty and agitated at other times. We are continuing to ask God to minister peace deep into his being.

The therapist has been getting him into his chair everyday.  This is so good to strengthen him and I think he likes the change from lying down.

Floyd was treated to his own personal worship recital by a Christian musician friend this week!  I'm hoping it really blessed him.

As I was doing my daily walking exercise one day this week, I had a good time talking with the Lord.  I feel at a loss knowing how to help Floyd right now.  Battling these 3 infections seems to have taken such a big toll on his body.  I poured out my heart to the Lord asking Him to give me wisdom - and to intervene and relieve Floyd's suffering.

I felt (as I have so many times when I've cried out to Him) that I just need to give everything to Him, and let Him do as He wills.  I gave everything over to Him afresh.  It seems to be important to do that no matter how many times I've done it before.  I don't know what He has in mind, but I am powerless to do anything.  I'm grateful He is carrying me - and carrying Floyd!

"Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; He lifts His voice, the earth melts. The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.  Come and see what the Lord has done, the desolations He has brought on the earth.  He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth.  He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; He burns the shields with fire.  He says, "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations,  I will be exalted in the earth."  The Lord almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."   Psalm 46:6-11

He is mighty.  He is in control.  He is our refuge.  He is worthy of our praise.

I think I'm being realistic in realizing Floyd's condition could go either way - and yet I'm feeling to keep asking.  Jesus never rebuked anyone for asking.  I can ask for the miracle, and still surrender to His will if His plans are different.

"Listen to my words, Lord, consider my lament.  Hear my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray....I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly."  Psalm 5:1-3

"I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for.  Keep on seeking, and you will find.  Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you."   Luke 11:9

"Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete."  John 16:24

"Lord, help!" they cried.....and He rescued them from their distress." Psalm 107:6

He is trustworthy whatever the outcome, but I ask for miracles!

So, as we continue asking for healing for Floyd, we believe "there is something about asking that is worship."  It signifies that we understand God's greatness when we ask for the impossible things.

I was sent the picture below.  It depicts visually the "breakthrough" we are asking for.  It's hard.  It seems impossible.  It defies logic.  It's amazing when it happens.  It shows nothing is too hard for God - part of His creation did this!

"Jesus looked at them and said, "With man, this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'"   Matthew 19:26

I've been privileged to see God do the impossible during my life.  I humbly ask for it again.

Worry Is Like a Rocking Chair

Floyd is gaining strength.  He is coughing less, but when he coughs it is still deep and congested.  We continue to pray for complete healing from the 3 infections he is battling.  The doctor does feel that there is improvement and Floyd has been more alert and active with his left arm again.  This is really good but also challenging for the nursing staff and therapists.  It makes their jobs so much more difficult.  But they are awesome!  They are to be commended for their patience and care.  I pray often for them to be blessed.  I’m very grateful for them!

As I watch Floyd in this condition, I get worried about him. I've heard the saying that "worry is like a rocking chair.  It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere."  I've actually always like rocking chairs. :)  But I don't want to be burdened with worries.

I've been reflecting on this scripture - "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about what you need, and thank Him for all He has done." Philippians 4:6 NLT

God has done so much these last few months.  I'm so very grateful for that.  I choose to commit the present needs to Him.  I know He's aware of them - and He has a plan.  He's more concerned about Floyd than I am.

I look to Him, and I trust Him.  Come, Lord Jesus, and touch Floyd!

From the very first day of this journey, I've felt that God has asked me to trust Him.  With His help, I've done that.  The steps of trust have been big - facing issues of life and death.

But the issues we're facing now of not knowing what's ahead and Floyd feeling the frustration of his condition - these seem even harder to bear. I am feeling that God is calling me to even greater, deeper levels of trust.

As I've been praying, I've realized afresh that I can embrace this kind of trust because of who God is.  I wrote out this graft while thinking about that.

TRUST

T - one who tries, who tackles a task (works, does the utmost)

R - one who is reliable (dependable, steady)

U - one who is unwavering, unfailing (solid, constant, a rock)

S - one who is sure (faithful, doesn't give up)

T - one who is true (accurate, honest)

There has to be a good reason to trust - and God is trustworthy for thousands of reasons.  He is so worthy of my/our trust!!

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, my stronghold."  Psalm 18:2

"Truly He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken."  Psalm 62:6

"Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."  Psalm 9:10

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you."  Psalm 56:3

There are so, so many verses about how trustworthy He is.  I read through dozens and dozens of them.  It built up my faith, my trust, my absolute dependence upon Him.  It renewed hope in my heart.

He is firm, solid, secure - worthy of my absolute trust.  I am choosing to trust Him more deeply as we face the new challenges.

"Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living."  Psalm 27:13

In the midst of so many ups and downs in Floyd's illness, I see the goodness of the Lord all around me.  Even on the hardest of days, I am aware of His presence and His care.  He is so faithful.

"Wait patiently for the Lord.  Be brave and courageous.  Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."  verse 14

I continue to wait - to see what God has in store.  I ask His help daily to be brave and courageous.  I can't change anything on my own, so I wait as patiently as I can.  Again, He is faithful to help me.

As I've been meditating on God's faithfulness so many, many verses that affirm how good and faithful He is come to mind!

"Your faithfulness endures to all generations."  Psalm 119:90

"I am with you always, even to the end of the age."  Matthew 28:20

He is present, even if we don't "feel" Him.  His faithfulness is not dependent on my feelings.  He doesn't have "bad" days.  He is never too tired to listen, nor too busy to hear.

I started to think about my faithfulness.  I wondered how I was measuring up!  My prayers started to change.

There's not a lot I can do right now to change our circumstances......but I can try to be faithful to the things God has for me to do.  I need to keep my eyes on Him.  I need to continue to trust Him.  I need to take care of myself and persevere on this unexpected journey.

Proverbs 24:10  "If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small."  

I often feel like my strength is small.  I keep asking the Lord to increase my strength on this journey.  I don't know how this journey will end!  But I'm asking God to help me make it all the way, to help me be faithful.

God Wants His Church To Pray

I found out at the beginning of this week that the infection Floyd has been fighting is pneumonia in his right lung.  Then, after doing more tests, Floyd’s doctor told me on Wednesday that he is actually battling 3 infections.  This is very hard on his body.  Our prayers have been for these to be cleansed from his body - soon!  And for protection from any new ones.

Since yesterday Floyd seems to be slightly better.  He was strong enough to be up in his chair, which hasn't happened for quite a few days.  His eyes were clearer, and he was alert.  I'm hoping and praying that we have "turned a corner" on these infections. 

One of the hospital staff printed some scripture verses and put them up in Floyd's room.  One of them is Hebrews 13:5 - "I will never leave you nor forsake you."  I read it to Floyd today.  He teared up when I did.  We are praying that Floyd will be so aware of God's presence with him!!

As we continue to pray for Floyd, we know that God can do anything.  He's the God of the impossible.  And He knows just what He wants to do - what His will is for Floyd.

But He involves us in the process in the place of prayer.  I heard someone say recently, "God does more when the church prays for the church."  He wants us to lift each other up.

He wants us to ask.  He wants the conversations with us.  He wants the relationship with us as we meet Him in the place of prayer.  He created us for friendship and communion with Him, and the primary place for that is in prayer.

When I first asked a few friends to pray for Floyd back in February, I had no idea of the worldwide wave of prayer that would break out.....a mighty wave that runs deeper and wider than just praying for Floyd.  I think God had in mind something so much greater.  Our intercession during this journey is as important as the outcome from all the prayers!  

This intensity of prayer has something to do with things that are on God's heart for the Body of Christ.  We must keep pressing into Him for His purposes to be fulfilled.  I truly believe there are big things coming.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."  Romans 12:12

"When I had nothing, desperate and defeated, I cried out to the Lord and He heard me, bringing His miracle-deliverance when I needed it most.  The angels stooped down to listen as I prayed, encircling me, empowering me and showing me how to escape.  They will do this to everyone who fears God.  Drink deeply of the pleasures of this God.  Experience for yourself the joyous mercies He gives to all who turn to hide themselves in Him."  Psalm 34:6-8  Passion Translation

How faithful He is to meet us - whenever we call.  The angels protect us - and He delivers us and washes over us with His joyous mercies.

I'm so grateful I can turn to Him again, and again, and again.  "His mercies never come to an end."  Lamentations 3:22

And I know He is being just as faithful to Floyd too!

Daniel 3:16 – 18 says:  "Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego answered and said to the king, 'O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter.  If that is the case, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand, O king.  But if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up.'"

From the beginning of this unexpected journey of Floyd's illness, I have "released" Floyd to the Lord.  Our family has done that collectively.  Individually many have done that.  I personally have told the Lord repeatedly that I trust Him, I release Floyd to Him, and want His will to be done.

I've also spoken to Floyd and told him that I release him to go be with Jesus if that is what he thinks is best.  I've told him that I'll be okay - not to worry about me.

While we have fervently prayed for the "breakthrough" like the word the Lord gave Floyd for this year, we've realized that there is no guarantee of that healing.  We have made all the choices and responses that we know to do - including releasing Floyd to Him.

All we can do is ask, wait, and trust!

Like the three Hebrew young men, we say "we know God will deliver us, but if not..." we serve only Him and we trust Him!  

Trusting Jesus

This week Floyd has had good days and bad days as he continues to fight this chest infection.  Hopefully he is getting to the end of it now.  His therapists worked to custom make a splint for his immobile right wrist.  Without movement, it has been turning inward. This new splint will help correct that.  His new, specialized wheelchair arrived this week too, so he was able to be out of bed sitting up in a chair again.  I know that must feel so good to him.

"And I'll keep on carrying you when you're old.  I'll be there, bearing you when you're old and gray.  I've done it and will keep doing it, carrying you on my back, saving you."  Isaiah 46:4  The Message

Floyd has beautiful gray hair.  And he's getting old.  I'm grateful the Lord is with him, carrying him!  What a comfort to know He doesn't abandon us......never!

Floyd listened intently to things being shared by one of the carers this week and to the worship music.  He very purposely moved his left arm in a way he never has.  That was encouraging.  We celebrate every small improvement we see. :)

One friend encouraged me in perseverance.  "That's what it comes down to - our firm and unshakable resolve to keep interceding for Floyd until the answer comes.  Until those golden bowls of prayer are full and are poured out over Floyd.  Perseverance in the face of contrary indications, of doctors who don't see reasonable prospects, of those who are complacent, or in the drag of repetition/tiredness/unbelief!  We persevere like the old heroes of the faith - "not seeing the outcome, but welcoming it from a distance."  Hebrews 11:13

"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial."  James 1:12

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."  Romans 12:12

Until the Lord brings things to a conclusion - we persevere in faith and prayer.  And we keep trusting Him!

On Thursday I was playing some worship for Floyd from a YWAM gathering in Kansas City last week.  Our "roots" are in YWAM. We went on our first outreach in 1965.  I joined full time in 1966, and we led our first team together just 3 days after we got married in 1967. We worked with YWAM in various parts of the world until the beginning of 2000.

YWAM will always be part of who we are.  We're so grateful for all we learned during those years.  Our hearts are forever linked.  So it was very special to me when there was prayer for Floyd at the gathering last week.  

As I played the worship music, I lifted my hand several times.  Because of his weakened condition, Floyd's left hand/arm has been very still and quiet recently.  His arm hadn't moved at all, but then he watched me raising my hand and started trying to move his arm.  I wish you could have seen him.  He worked so hard!  It wasn't easy.  His arm was shaking terribly from the effort.  And slowly, very slowly, he raised his arm into the air - then again and again.  It felt like a "sacrifice of praise."  I think the Lord would have been pleased.

As I watched Floyd respond, I kept thinking of the life we've had together serving the Lord.  Good times - hard times, but all of it such a wonderful treasure of walking through all these years together in serving Jesus.  We are so blessed and rich in Him.  It was a joy to worship the Lord with Floyd.  I've missed times like that.

"Worship the Lord your God; it is He who will deliver you."  2 Kings 17:39

"Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.  Worship the Lord with gladness; come before Him with joyful songs.  Know that the Lord is God.  It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, the sheep of His pasture.  Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His name.  For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations."  Psalm 100

How very good and faithful He is!  I'm so glad Floyd and I could worship Him together.

As time goes on, and my strength is less……..I find it hard when I face a new situation that seems overwhelming, or heavy, or sad, or just plain impossible.  I find the emotional impact on my heart is harder and harder as time goes on.

A few days ago I faced one of these situations.  My heart felt like lead.  The emotional impact of what happened felt like a storm battering my soul.  For a few minutes I just felt I was drowning in the weight of all this over these months.

I sat crying out to the Lord.  I so clearly heard Him speak to me – “Just trust me.  Speak out your trust in me.”

So I did – I sat quietly, with tears running down my face, and told the Lord I trusted Him.  I was honest.  I told Him I didn’t understand.  I told Him it was too big for me.  I told Him I loved Him and I trusted Him…….but I couldn’t make it if He didn’t intervene.

I can’t explain it, but as I sat there telling the Lord all this…….the heaviness and weight lifted.  He truly took it from my heart!  The situation didn’t change, but the weight in my spirit was gone. 

After talking with Him a little longer, I dried my tears, and continued on with what I needed to do.

I have continued to do this as various things have come up, and He lifts the burden each time.  I’ve done this before – I’ve told Him that I trust Him from day one of this journey, but something new has happened.  He has stepped in in an even greater way to carry the burden and help me keep going.  Maybe in the past I’ve waited for things to build up and get heavy…….now I just speak out my love and trust to Him continually.

"How enriched are they who find their strength in the Lord; within their hearts are the highways of holiness!  Even when their path winds through the dark valley of tears, they dig deep to find a pleasant pool where others only find pain.  He gives them pools of blessing filled from the rain of an outpouring.  They grow stronger and stronger with each step forward until they find their strength in You, and the God of all gods will appear before them in Zion." Psalm 84:5 – 7 The Passion Translation

He is helping me find strength in greater measures as my weariness grows.  He is bringing the refreshment I need from His deep wells.  I am grateful for the water of refreshment He is bringing to my soul.

Once again, He's shown Himself so very faithful!

Contentment Comes From Him

Floyd has had a rough week this week.  He has been battling with a chest infection, and it’s really made him feel miserable. He has done better as the week’s progressed.  By now he is looking better, stronger, his eyes are clearer, he is more alert, and he has much less coughing.  The antibiotics are clearing up the infection.  So happy about that.

One morning this week when I was praying for Floyd, I was thinking about his gift of communication.  I've always seen it as an anointing in his life from the Lord.  Even after all these years of hearing him speak, he's still one of my favorite preachers.  (I may be a little bit biased!)  It saddens me that he is now stuck in a silent world of not being able to communicate.  I pray for "release" for him!

A number of intercessors have been telling me that they feel there is still a spiritual battle being waged for Floyd's recovery and restoration.  I don't fully understand what this whole journey has been about, but I know God has been at work.  The worldwide wave of prayer that has been lifted up has had His hand upon it.  I am praying for fresh victories.

"Summon your power, God; show us your strength, our God, as you have done before." - Psalm 68:28

It is hard not to get tired and weary though.  It's been a long journey.  I’m so grateful for the many that have not given up praying for Floyd and God’s purposes.  I pray for fresh strength and perseverance for each of us.  Andrew Murray said "intercession is our highest calling."  May He help us fulfill that calling!

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." - Isaiah 40:29

We need that!  

Sitting with Floyd, being with him, praying for him is always hard on my heart.  I see the frailness of his current condition, and I remember the healthy, vibrant man he was just a few months ago.  My mind always drifts to wondering how this will all turn out.  I've been comforted by a couple verses the past few days.

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord your God." - Isaiah 43:1-3

"No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame." - Psalm 25:3

I don't know the end of all this, but I know the God who holds it in His hands.  I can trust Him.

I shared with friends a few weeks ago that I was so unsettled - wishing I had understanding of what God is up to.  He spoke to me that peace doesn't come from understanding, but from spending time in His presence.  I've tried to do that, and, as I have, He has been speaking to me about contentment. 

Contentment has to do with that peace that comes from being with Him.  You can actually be content without being happy!  When I had cancer, I felt enveloped in a peace from the Lord.  I wasn't "happy" about the cancer, but I was at peace.  So I was content.

I think that's why the Bible talks about being content in all circumstances. We may not be happy about the circumstances, but we can be content, at peace.  It's a peace "that passes understanding" (Philippians 4:7) that can only come from God.  It's not a human emotion, feeling, experience......it's from Him.

"'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12: 9, 10

That's quite a list!  How in the world can one be content with all that?  I have to be honest and say that there have been many days on this journey when I've been upset, disturbed, concerned, anxious.  And I've felt very weak!

I guess what I heard the Lord saying to me is that He wants to teach me a new level of being content in spite of all these circumstances. I'm going to do my best to try and learn this lesson.  I don't like the circumstances, but I want to find my peace and contentment in Him.  I need that to make it through this time!

As the Lord has been speaking to me about contentment, I have remembered a time years ago when I was learning to be content in another season. I've learned through the years that God often takes a lesson He's taught me in a previous season - and takes it a notch deeper in the new season I'm walking through.  I think that's what's happening now.  He is taking the lesson much further down into my heart!

There are some basic choices/attitudes that the Lord has shown me that help in being content:

• I need to trust Him!! God is good. He's sovereign. He knows what's best for me. He can instantly change my/our situation. If He chooses not to, there must be higher plans or purposes that He has in mind. He has an eternal view of what is best for me, for Floyd. If I don't fully, 100% trust Him - I'll never be able to have peace and contentment as I walk through this season.

• I need to be grateful.....even in the midst of a very hard season. "Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances." - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 - That's a big challenge! Gratitude/thankfulness will keep my spirit sweet and tender towards Him in the midst of the hard season. It changes my focus from the situation to God. When I keep my focus on Him, it releases grace to handle the hard things.

• I need to work with God in this hard season, not against the trial or against Him. I need to do what I'm trying to do now - ask God what He's wanting to teach me on this journey. He won't "waste" this sorrow! My inner growth (my walk with Him) is more important than the outward hard situation.

God has our times and seasons in His control.  He sees the big view.  Learning contentment in the difficult situation is a spiritual weapon against the enemy!  He has no leverage to try and use the trial for his plans.

"There is great gain in godliness with contentment." - 1 Timothy 6:6

When my heart is content - when I'm at peace because of spending time in His presence - then I can face what each new day brings, with His help!  I can trust Him.  I can be grateful even though it's hard.  I can work with Him in the difficult time.

Finding Blessing In The Hard Places

Last week we met with Floyd's doctor and in the course of our discussion, I mentioned some of the miracles Floyd saw during his time at the first hospital.  He had 2 very dramatic ones:

1. an MRI had shown multiple pockets of pus and necrosis in his legs. He was rushed into emergency surgery that they didn't think he would even survive. Once in surgery, they couldn't find anything that was shown on the MRI. It was all gone.

2. 2 scans had shown that Floyd had a brain stem stroke. They did an MRI to get more information. There was no sign of the stroke on the MRI, and they said he had a normal brain for a 71 year old man with no brain damage.

The doctors were stunned both times.  They called it "inexplicable."  They said it left them stuttering and speechless.

I have to say "thank you" again to the Lord for these miracles! 

God has been so good to us, to Floyd.  We're grateful for these miracles, and we dare to ask for more!  We ask Him to completely heal and restore Floyd.

Floyd has been sleeping a lot this week.  I've been concerned as to what this means, but the Dr. assured me that his body is recovering from the emergency surgery that he had a couple weeks ago and all that it entailed.  She said the sleep is bringing renewed strength and healing.  I was very glad to hear this.  Since this conversation Floyd has been gaining strength and being awake more and more. He was in his wheelchair for a good amount of time yesterday and held his head up by himself for a while.  It's nice to see that strength in his neck.

As we have been talking to Floyd’s doctors again about the brain/body alignment that Floyd still needs, the reconnecting of brain and body after the stroke disappeared, we continue to keep praying and trusting for that.

And we want to keep praying for that for the Body of Christ worldwide - to be realigned to God's plans and purposes in our world today!

Someone sent me an encouragement this week about waiting in Him - being patient, being aware that He's doing things I can't see, trusting in His timing/not mine, and continuing to keep my focus on Him.  One phrase really caught my attention - "Never judge My works by what your eyes see, but by the promises I have made to you."  I choose afresh each day to keep my eyes on Him and trust Him.

"Lord, I have always trusted in your kindness, so answer me.  I will yet celebrate with passion and joy when your salvation lifts me up.  I will sing my song of joy to you, the Most High, for in all of this you have strengthened my soul.  My enemies say that I have no Savior, but I know that I have one in you!"   Psalm 13:5, 6  (The Passion Translation)

I also read recently that "difficulties are often blessings in disguise."  I've certainly seen that to be the case through the years, so it's made me ponder our current season of "difficulty."  Has the last 6 months been a blessing in disguise?

I don't know if I'd say it quite like that, but I sure see a lot of blessings:

• The incredible outpouring of love, support, and encouragement has blown me away!

• The massive amount of prayer being lifted up is hard to comprehend. A friend of ours said he's never seen so much prayer for one person. I'm sure God intends for much good to come from all these prayers.

• The sweet closeness of the Lord as I've walked this journey has been more than I could have asked for.

• The undergirding grace of the Lord to survive this time amazes me every day.

• The generosity of friends, and those we don't even know, has helped to cover Floyd's ongoing care.

• The answers to prayer for Floyd already has humbled us and amazed the doctors.

The list could go on and on.  I'm thankful, so very thankful, for the blessings He has brought our way in the midst of difficulty.  Maybe the whole journey will end up being a "blessing in disguise."  God can certainly do things like that!  He's an expert at bringing good out of bad.

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."   Jeremiah 29:11

He "gives beauty for ashes."   Isaiah 61:3 

Covered In Prayer

Floyd is becoming more attentive when awake.  We are seeing more and more cognitive things happening with him.  They're all small, but good.  He seems to be aware of things, make a conscious choice, and then do something.  In fact, he is actually becoming quite feisty!  The nurses keep telling me that it's good - that he needs that for recovery.  I hope that's true!  He managed to pull all his blankets and pillows off the bed, and he continually tries to sit up.  I'm amazed he's not exhausted.  He's wearing the care team out!

After so many months of weakness and lethargy, it is wonderful to see him have all this energy.  

A sweet thing happened this week.  The carer was playing worship music and holding Floyd's active hand.  At one point in a particularly worshipful song, Floyd let go of his hand and lifted his hand up very peacefully into the air for about 10 seconds.  I can't help but think that Floyd was expressing worship to the Lord.

I’m very grateful to the Lord for the facility that is Floyd’s ‘home’.  The atmosphere is very warm and inviting - not the typical hospital feel. The staff are awesome!  I walked in once and found a nurse praying for him, another time one was singing to him, and all of them treating Floyd so kindly, warmly, and lovingly.  The care and treatment has been wonderful.  They are professional, and very caring!

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.  He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul."  Psalm 23:1-3

I’m so grateful our Shepherd is taking care of Floyd and my needs.

I know we couldn't have gotten through this season without the prayers of so many people from around the world!  They have been so faithful and diligent in sticking with us on this long journey, and lifting us to the Father in prayer.  Many times when I'm tired or overwhelmed, I feel the sweet reminder of the Spirit that someone, somewhere is lifting me to the throne of grace.  What a support and comfort that is!

I've mentioned several times that I think God is "up to something" through this season of concentrated prayer from the 4 corners of the globe - from individuals, to prayer groups, to whole churches interceding.  The prayers are crossing over so many denominational lines, and so many countries are represented.  What an awesome picture of our spiritual "family" it has been.  I know God is doing something much greater than just praying for Floyd.  I have a feeling that in years to come we'll look back on this season, and be amazed at what God was doing.

"The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."  James 5:16

We See A Mess, He Sees Beauty

This week Floyd has been working so hard on trying to pull himself up into a seated position.  He is so determined.  The cognitive ability this is requiring on his part is so encouraging to see!

I was with him for his therapy and tilt table sessions one morning this week.  I was so impressed with what a good job the therapist is doing.  I am amazed at the level of mobility she is maintaining for him!  As he recovers more and more, this will be such an advantage.

Someone asked me recently, when I say Floyd is "alert" - what does that mean?  That's a good question!  When Floyd is awake (eyes open)......he is sometimes very distant.  His eyes are open, but he's not looking at us.......he's somewhere else.  Maybe with Jesus?  :)

Other times, he is awake......and he is looking right at us.  Following movements in the room.  Listening.  Sometimes responding with facial expressions or sounds to what we're saying. That's what I mean by "alert."

I’m so glad to be able to say that the “alert” times are increasing!

Forty two years ago, we were leading the busy ministry of "The Ark" in Amsterdam, Holland.  Matthew, our son, was a couple weeks old. I hadn't been sleeping well with a new baby and with all the noises of the city, and was very tired.  "Tante (Aunt) Corrie" (Corrie ten Boom) invited us to come spend a few days at her home in Haarlem to get some peace and quiet.  That was a wonderful blessing!

While we were there, my precocious daughter, Misha, spoke up at a mealtime and said "it's my mother's birthday!"  Tante Corrie smiled, and left the room for a few minutes.  When she returned, she gave me a little gift.  It was a two-sided embroidery piece - one that she often used as a sermon illustration when she spoke.

The embroidery is of a crown.  One side is a mess of threads - all tangled, knotted, and confused.  The other side is a beautiful crown.  She explained that as we go through life, we usually look at our lives like the messy side of the crown.  We see the problems, the mistakes, the questions, the confusion.......and we think our lives are a mess.  We are insecure, discouraged, and tend to have a low self image of who we are.

But, she explained, God's looks down upon us as His beloved child.  He sees beauty.  He sees who He has created us to be.  He sees the lovely creation He is forming us to be - in His image.  He knows we'll get beyond the "mess" with His help, and we'll become all that He destined for us.

She gently explained that I was going through some of life's "rough spots," but God loved me and was pleased with me.  He saw that I was His beautiful daughter.

It was such a special, timely, encouraging gift - that I have treasured all these 42 years since.  I had it framed so that you can see both sides.  It has had a place of honor and focus in our home, wherever we've lived, all these years.  I have used a picture of it at the top of this post.

I've been very tired these past days.  I’ve been praying and asking God for fresh strength and grace.  I remembered a story I read in a church bulletin:

A 3-year-old was telling his mother about his Sunday School lesson.  It was about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednigo.  "They got put in the fire," he said, wide-eyed.  "Did God help them?" the mother prompted.  "No," the little boy said.  "He fell right in with them."

I couldn't help but smile, of course......and then thank the Lord that "He falls right in with us."  I'm so very grateful that He has been with me each step of this journey. 

Because He is with me each step,  I'm able to talk to Him about my heart and "explain" my tiredness… telling Him how hard it is to keep going with no end in sight.  Wanting to know if there is an "exit" sign coming up.  Asking if He can give me any understanding of what's ahead.

I've been reading some things in my quiet times that have helped me process these thoughts.  I've realized that understanding in itself doesn't give peace!  Being in His presence gives peace.  My peace comes from Him, trusting in Him - not in knowing what's ahead.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:5, 6

Getting my thoughts refocused on Him has restored my peace!  And it has strengthened my hope and faith! 

Today I want to thank Him, not only for the peace He's put in our hearts in the recent days.......but to thank Him for the "peace that passes understanding" (Philippians 4:7) that He has given me all these months. Through all the trauma and roller coaster days of the last months, there has been a bedrock of peace from Him under it all.  On the hardest of days, I've had a sweet sense of peace from Him.  I praise Him - and say there is no other explanation except for the sweet ministry of peace from the Holy Spirit.  That peace from Him, His sweet presence - has carried me through!  Thank you Lord!

Walking Into The Fire

Floyd’s strength is increasing!  He is pulling himself up more and more each day, and he is also managing longer times on the tilt table.  He started at 30 seconds, and is up to 5 minutes now.  Good improvement!

On Wednesday it was Floyd's birthday!  I had a sweet morning with him.  The All Nations community had recorded singing happy birthday to him. When I played that, his face registered lots of emotion and he got teary.  Our daughter and son-in-law got up in the middle of the night to Face Time with us to bring wishes to him!  I also read a number of greetings and messages to Floyd from all over the world.  I kept telling him how loved and prayed for he is.

I'm grateful for that special morning with my gentle giant - my best friend for most of my life.  I'll keep praying for healing and restoration!

2 Cor. 4:17 - "This light, momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison."

I love the promise of that verse, but when you're in the middle of the affliction it is neither light nor momentary!  It seems just plain hard.  When someone sent me that verse as an encouragement, I wasn't sure if it was encouraging!  :)

There have been some very hard times in the last 5 months.  There have been times when I wondered if I'd survive.  I was praying with some friends one day, and I told them "I just don't know if I can make it!"  But He's helped me, and I have survived.  I don't know what's still ahead, but I'm trusting Him to keep helping me.  

A consistent theme from prayers all over the world at the moment is "restoration."  I am joining with those prayers, and trusting God for healing and full restoration for Floyd.

I find myself choosing daily to keep focusing my heart to work with God's purposes during this journey.  I don't want to draw back out of weariness. I've found there are several responses I can have during times like this:

-            I can try to "ignore" how hard it is.......but, if I do that, I will miss out on the support and help I need to make it through.  Honesty and openness is so important during a difficult season.  I've been so grateful I can share through the updates I write and have the support of so many people's prayers!  I know I can't make it alone, and the love and care I have received through this long journey has been incredible.  Some days I am so tired that I wonder if what I am sharing in the updates makes sense, but I have been graciously encouraged to keep writing them.

-            I can "grit my teeth" and force my way through the hard time.  But that will only last for a short period of time.  I could have never made it that way through this long journey.  And the stress from this kind of response only makes the hard time harder.  I know - I've tried it before.

-            I can choose to learn and grow and receive God's help.  That is what I have needed to do daily (often many times a day!) - and I am finding I need to keep doing in my tiredness.  Because the journey has been long, I just want to rest - not quit, but draw back.  I find the Lord saying to me to keep pressing in!

He's definitely encouraged me to take care of myself and get the rest I need - but that is different than drawing back on the learning and growing and pressing in for all He has during this time.  When I've had a hard day, I've felt Him encouraging me not to give up.  To not see a setback as irreversible.  To not see the difficulty as insurmountable.

Years ago I read a story about a family caught in a forest fire.  I went back and looked it up in my notes to refresh my memory.  They were in the path of a rapidly moving forest fire.  They jumped in their car to try and outrun it, but they quickly saw that it was impossible.  So they got out of their car and ran into the fire!  This way the fire would pass over them quickly.  They were burned, pretty badly, but they survived!  If they had kept running in front of the fire, they would have been killed.

I feel like I've needed to keep walking into the fire.  It's difficult - I feel like I have some scars from the burns......but it's not killing me.  With God's grace and help, I'm making it through the fire.  He is faithful!

Don't Rush The Process

Floyd is doing good this week.  His eyes have been clear, and he has been alert off and on.  His upper body strength is getting better too, and he tries to pull himself up quite a bit.  He still struggles with coughing up phlegm, and we continue to pray that it will ease up.

The doctor and therapists have said that they are seeing improvement, which is so encouraging! 

Two sweet friends came today and gave Floyd a haircut.  I'm so grateful for their kind service!  He was beginning to look like he was back in his hippie days. His hair was getting so long.  Now he looks dashing again! :)

In the early weeks of this unexpected journey we are on, my right thumb got caught in our security door.  I was opening the door and our dog, Sossy, was in a hurry to get through it.  She pushed on the door, and my thumb got caught in it.  It was quite painful, and my whole nail turned black.  

I'm a very "down to earth" person, and I find it's often the simple, little, every-day things in life that "speak" to me.  That has been the case with my injured thumb.  I know it can sound a little crazy, but I love how God speaks to me in simple, crazy kinds of ways. :)

It's about 4 months since my injury, and my nail is about half way grown out. Watching the slow growth, and seeing the blackness slowly disappear, has reminded me daily that healing sometimes takes time. You can't rush the process.  My nail has looked ugly - I often find people staring at it when I'm talking to them.  But there's nothing I can do about it.

I know my nail will heal.  It looks like it will take about 7 - 8 months.  And, in the meantime, it's not very pretty.  Floyd's healing isn't coming quickly, and the suffering he's going through isn't pleasant to watch.  But I'm trusting that the healing will come in God's perfect timing.  He knows how much time is needed for the process.

People keep asking me how I'm doing.  Some say they pray for me more than they pray for Floyd.  I hope not, but I'm very grateful for those prayers.  I must confess that some days I wake up wondering how I'll make it through the day.  This journey has been long, and I do get weary.  But I try to make it one-day-at-a-time, the grace has been there each day.  God has been very faithful in sustaining me.

I read a quote recently: "Sometimes, the happiest people have had the hardest lives, but they choose to be happy because they want to make a good life.  It takes a strong person to be joyful and to be kind." When this unexpected journey began, I told the Lord I wanted to keep my focus on Him - that, whatever happened, I didn't want to be angry, bitter, or motivated in a negative way by the pain.  I asked Him to help me!

In Nehemiah 8:10 it says: "the joy of the Lord is your strength."  I have certainly found that to be true!  But we sometimes miss, as one friend pointed out to me, the first part of that verse.  "Do not sorrow."  There are, of course, times for sorrow and sadness......but we can't stay there or it destroys us.  I have cried lots of tears, but then I've turned my eyes to Him for the inner joy that I need to make it through.  He has been my strength!!  His loving care has put a deep inner joy in my spirit.  How thankful I am for that joy from Him that is truly my strength each day.

I long for this journey to come to an end, and for Floyd to be healed.  But I have trust and confidence that the Lord will help me, day by day, to keep going until His plans and purposes are accomplished.  He is faithful!

Often the joy comes as we rejoice and worship Him.......as we wait in His presence for His enabling grace......as we meditate on the truth of His word and His promises to us.  Choosing to rejoice and walk in His joy before we see the breakthroughs we trust Him for takes faith.  I'm asking the Lord for that kind of faith!

I was thanking the Lord today for all the lessons He's teaching me on this unexpected journey.  The tender lessons have made this a rich time in spite of the pain.  Only God can bring sweet goodness out of bitter pain. How awesome He is!

Someone has encouraged me to bury my anxieties in His "mighty bear hug of assurance."  I thought of that today amidst all my concerns for Floyd.  I'm glad He has broad shoulders that I can lean on!

"Pile your troubles on God's shoulders - He'll carry your load, and He'll help you out.  He'll never let good people topple into ruin."  Psalm 55:22  -  The Message

May Our Valleys Be A Blessing

My journey with Floyd's illness continues to be a constant learning experience.  I've gone through seasons in my life when I've asked the Lord to expand my capacity - spiritually, emotionally, the ability to handle stress, even physically.  I remember as a young wife, being married to Floyd (who is such a visionary!), and thinking to myself - "I can't keep up with him!"  I asked the Lord to stretch me, to help me grow.  I didn't want to just trail along behind him.  I wanted to be by his side, a true "helpmate," to see those visions become a reality.

The Lord has answered that prayer many times through the years.  He has expanded my capacity.  There were times when I could almost physically feel it happening.  There were also times when I thought I was crazy to have prayed that prayer!!

But through it all, God has been faithful to answer my prayer.  The things I now live with as the "norm" would have probably "wiped out" the young, 18 year old woman I was when we married.  I didn't even know I could be stretched so much!  But God has done it.

I don't remember praying that prayer asking the Lord to stretch me recently :) But He's sure doing that on this journey!  There have been days when I've felt like a puddle on the floor from the weights, the sadness, the tears I've cried.  And then I feel the Lord picking me up, putting His strengthening hand on my back, and saying "you'll make it."  

And He's right - with His help, I'm making it.  This past Tuesday marks 21 weeks on this journey!  God has helped me day by day, moment by moment.  He's my rock!  He has been so faithful.

Someone said to me - "what we go through is to bless others."  That got me thinking.  It's hard to imagine a time like this blessing others, but God, in His goodness, can do that.  I immediately think of all the prayers being prayed - what an unleashing of blessing that is into the world!!  God is linking our hearts together through all the prayers.  God is doing something in aligning His Body with the purposes on His heart.  God is stretching our capacity to trust Him for more!  He is bringing blessing through this season!

Maybe that should be one of our prayers:  "God help us to bless others through what we are walking through."  May the prayers being lifted up pour out blessings of His love, saving grace, healing, compassion, and goodness into the hearts and lives of those around us.

God is doing something in all our hearts through the prayers being lifted up for Floyd.  He's stretching us, and He is wanting us to "bless others."  May He help us do that!

"I will bless you......and you will be a blessing."  Genesis 12:2

This week Floyd has been a little more alert each day but on Wednesday we had a very different day!  His eyes were the clearest, most focused I've seen them since this all started.  He was very engaged, listening carefully, hearing, understanding, and taking in every sound.  He was very tender, some tears in his eyes. 

He tried repeatedly to pull himself up with great effort.  I supported his back, but didn't help him.  He was quite strong, and lifted himself farther than he has before.  He finally wore himself out and went to sleep.  I was very encouraged, and had renewed hope seeing him this way! 

I’ve felt all through these months of prayer that God is wanting to do something more than just heal Floyd.  I’ve asked for prayer for the Body to come into alignment with God’s heart and purposes.  I’m sure there are other things happening in the spiritual realm that I don’t even know about.  But – we can’t stop praying for all the things God is doing through this season of focused prayer.

We’ve fought quite a few battles in prayer in the last few months.  I think we’ve done everything we know to do in spiritual warfare.  In Ephesians 6:13 it tells us “having done all else, stand.”  Through our prayers, we are “standing” on His promises, goodness, and faithfulness as we continue to lift our petitions to Him on Floyd’s behalf and for all of God’s purposes to be fulfilled.

When I am resting I have to keep my mind occupied otherwise I just go over and over all that has happened.  So I try to immerse myself in a good book!  I've been reading a novel about a coffee house in Kabul, Afghanistan.  It's been fun because I recognize every place that is mentioned (Chicken Street!), and so many of the words and phrases are familiar.  It's brought back lots of good memories of our years there......so long ago!  It's also made me think how grateful I am for the wonderful life we've had in serving the Lord!  I never dreamed when I told Floyd on our wedding day that "I'd go where he went" that he would take me all over the world!  :) God has given us a wonderful life.

Only He knows what is still ahead!  I trust Him, and I know He will continue to faithfully be with us.

Praising Him In Our Pain

In the whirlwind of the last few months of Floyd’s illness, I have not had it on my mind to post anything on our website.  Then our website was down for a while being changed and revamped.  Now that it is back up, I thought I would try to post some news about our journey once a week.

This past week Floyd has gone through days of being really awake and busy with his active left arm, and then days of being really distant and sleepy.  He has struggled with horrible phlegm off and on which is something that we are really praying will clear.

The therapists have him up in his wheelchair several days a week, and they have started putting him on the tilt table on the days when he is strong enough.  He can only manage that for very short periods as his body is not used to being vertical after all the months in bed.

There are times when Floyd seems really frustrated with his situation. With him not being able to communicate, it is very difficult to know what he is thinking and feeling.  We continue to pray that the Lord would comfort him, and give him the grace that he needs to endure this.

This week a friend told of hearing a man preach after his mother, a very godly woman, passed away.  He was thinking of the joy she must be having in heaven as she worshipped Jesus with all the saints and angels.  The Lord spoke to his heart - "you know there is praise that you can give that they can't give in heaven.  It's the praise that you offer in the midst of pain, darkness, confusion - when you can't see all that the Father is doing."

I have been offering up that kind of praise this week.  A bit hard - but He's worthy!  And I trust Him completely.  

Someone also said to me that God "has Floyd in His grasp."  I loved that visual image.  I could just see God's big hand holding my gentle giant in the palm of His hand......holding him firmly, but not too tightly - never letting him go.  I know Floyd is in good hands!!

And while he's holding Floyd in His palm - I am grateful that He is holding my hand and guiding me along.

"For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear; I will help you."  Isaiah 41:13

I absolutely could not have made it through these months without Him holding my hand.  I've told friends that I don't know how people could go through something like this without the Lord.  And then I had the strangest thought - "I help people even when they don't ask."  And, you know, I think God does that!

When we forget to ask.  When we think we don't need to ask.  When we don't think God cares.  When we get too busy to ask.  When we're distanced from Him and think we don't have a right to ask.  When we don't even know Him.  I think He's still there holding our hand.  He loves us in all these situations.  He loves us even when we aren't close to Him.

I thought of how many families I talked to while Floyd was in ICU - many of them didn't have a relationship with God.  And a number of them told me they felt God "with" them in the time of crisis.  How big and awesome is His heart that He reaches out to us in our need even when we sometimes don't reach out to Him.  I remember thinking how great His heart was to do that.  And I prayed for these dear ones to come to know Him personally during their trial!  I was even able to pray with some of them.

I love a God who is so big hearted.  It means there will always be room for me!  And He'll never let me go!  He'll always be there holding my "right hand."  I miss holding hands with Floyd, but I'm so grateful God is there holding my hand.  What immense comfort that brings.

In my quiet times the last few days, the Lord has been focusing my thoughts on thinking and thanking.

"Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise - think about these things." Philippians 4:8

It's so easy to let my thoughts wander to things that aren't on the above list - especially when I'm tired.  When I see Floyd's suffering, I can worry. When I think about the unknown future, I can be distressed.  When I try to face all the problems at once, I can be overwhelmed.  If I'm not careful, I can accept the worry/distress/thoughts of being overwhelmed as "normal" or acceptable in this journey we're on.

But God is saying I can control those reactions by focusing my thoughts on what is true, just, pure, things worthy of praise.  I have the power to rise above these things with my thoughts!  I just need to make use of that power God has given me.

"In everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you."  1 Thessalonians 5:18

There is also wonderful power in giving praise and worship to Him in every situation and circumstance - thanking Him. 

I'm trying to be careful to think and thank by His guidelines!  I know it will make my load lighter.

Floyd

Some of you may be wondering why Floyd has been so 'quiet' for the past while, some of you may have heard...Floyd has been in ICU fighting for his life since 23 February. It was a terrible oversight for me not to have posted anything about it, but with all that has been going on I just didn't think about it - please forgive me. Floyd has been ill with a very serious bactrerial infection which led to him going into septic shock. It has been a very hectic time with many challenges for the doctors to deal with but the Lord has been faithful and has kept His hand on Floyd and he is now stable.

There is still a long road of recovery ahead but we trust and believe that God will perform miracles of healing for Floyd. Sally spends everyday at the hospital with him and there are many, many people all over the world standing with Sally and praying for him - the Lord is building a wonderful testimony for both of them out of this difficult time.

Julie (Floyd's Personal Assistant)

Finding Meaning in Times of Crisis

"Leadership is proven through dark and stormy times. Extraordinary leaders find meaning in times of crisis. Such times are opportunities to become stronger, more confident leaders. These transformative events are not always caused by God, but He uses them to shape us. Dark and stormy times are leadership crucibles that give us opportunity for deep self-reflection about our values, our leadership philosophy, and our purpose.

Here are the skills Jesus modeled when His disciples were facing the storm:

• Engage people to discover meaning in the storm. Jesus and His disciples were “in the same boat,” as the saying goes. It was a time for them to learn from each other. To the degree that leaders can constructively and sensitively engage others, they can help them find meaning from a crisis. This means listening, comforting, and looking to God together.

• Discover and use a compelling voice. Jesus spoke compellingly to His disciples. Those who speak with confidence, openness, peace, and wisdom in the midst of a storm, learn and grow from the experience and encourage others to do the same.

• Act with integrity of purpose. Jesus was not impressed with the power of the storm. Leaders rise above fear, above pain, and lean hard into God and His Word to act with integrity of purpose. Dark and stormy times are not times to use religious clichés (“God knows,” “It’s all in the Lord’s hands,” etc.). Jesus saw meaning in the storm. It was that meaning that guided Him, not the storm itself or the reaction of His disciples to the storm.

• Cultivate “adaptive capacity.” This is the most crucial skill a leader can possess to lead others through a crisis. It is the ability to grasp context, to see the big picture, to learn from the storm itself, and to step back and gain perspective. Effective leaders learn to adapt - some gain perspective from prayer, others from asking good questions, still others draw on past experiences. Like Jesus, 
strong leaders are not emotionally reactive. Rather than getting lost in subjective personal responses, they increase their capacity to connect with others through difficult circumstances. These leaders remain hardy and hopeful despite disaster and difficulty.

I was pastoring in the United States when the 9/11 terrorist attack took place in New York City. I quickly consulted with a close friend, then called the congregation together for prayer. We agreed that a national time of tragedy was not a time to reason things through intellectually, cast blame on the enemy, look for “sin in the camp,” or simplify such a complex issue as a spiritual attack. I led the congregation to respond from the heart. We responded through prayer and scriptural reflection to acknowledge our feelings. Through that posture of honesty, we looked to God for comfort and to guide our attitudes and actions.

As a result, some members of the congregation decided to reach out to their Muslim neighbors and co-workers to assure them of their love and the love of Jesus. Others visited Muslim schools and community centers to take food accompanied by notes of friend- ship. We also ran an advertisement in the local newspaper to share our love as followers of Jesus with the Muslim community.

God used our responses to touch the hearts of many Muslims, open up deeply meaningful conversations, and be an example of how a city should respond in one of our nation’s darkest and stormiest times.

List a few stormy times you have walked through, or walked others through. Using the four skills Jesus modeled, assess your responses. Spend some time in prayer, asking God to help you remember and use these skills when tough times happen. Also keep in mind the four things we should not do in stormy times.

Four Stormy-time Dos

1. Engage people to discover meaning in the storm.

2. Discover and use a compelling voice.

3. Act with integrity of purpose.

4. Cultivate adaptive capacity.

Four Stormy-time Don’ts

1. Reason things through intellectually.

2. Cast blame on an enemy.

3. Look for sin in the camp.

4. Simplify a complex issue by calling it a spiritual attack.
"

If you would like to read the rest of this book please click here to find Leading Like Jesus on Amazon Kindle or here to find a paperback copy from YWAM Publishing.

When People Try Make You King

"In the inner depths of every leader, there is a desire to be needed, to be a hero, to fix things. It appeals to our ego to be important. But be warned - if we find our significance by being put on a pedestal, it is only a matter of time until the same people will pull down the pedestal, and we will come tumbling down with it. The same people that make us kings will depose us when it suits them. Some of the very people who sought to make Jesus king, later turned on Him and chanted, “Crucify Him.”

Rather than seeking significance, serve people because God calls you to serve them - not because it meets a need in you or in others.

There is a thin line between being compelled to meet people’s needs and being called by God to do so. A discerning leader will find that line and not step across it.

In 1 Samuel 8, the people of Israel demanded a king, wanting to be like the other countries around them. God gave them what they asked for, but in doing so was creating a test for the king (Saul) and a test for the Israelites as well. Saul failed his test and God removed him. The people failed their test and God punished them. May we learn from this lesson and not insist on a human king or elevate any leader to a God-like status. As leaders, may we resist any such acclaim thrust upon us. May we trust in God alone.

Jesus responded to the demands of the people who wanted to make Him king by withdrawing to be alone. Perhaps the best place to be when we are tempted to be a king to people is to be alone with God and find out what it is in us that is attracted to stardom or power.

As a younger leader, I found myself becoming political about my leadership role. I defended my position in the organization I served with at the time. I had an unhealthy need for the right title. I was offended when I was asked to change my title to one of “less stature.” 
I am ashamed of my behavior when I look back now on those days. There were some dysfunctions in the organization, but that is no excuse for my immaturity.

Thankfully, God used those experiences to refine my character. It was a season of ministry maturing and I learned valuable lessons during that season. I am thankful for the leaders over me and with me at the time who set an example by responding with greater maturity and patience.

What was it in me that fought over those things? God was exposing my insecurities and my selfish ambition. I am thankful He did so, although at the time, it was not easy to humble myself and acknowledge my sinfulness.

I recall one co-worker saying, “Wow, these things are really important to you. Why is that?”

It was that piercing question that helped me step back and question myself. Thank God for people who are not enamored with having a king over them, who simply speak the truth.

Do you receive the truth when spoken to you? Perhaps there are steps you can take to encourage others to tell you when they disagree with you.

What steps can you take to build accountability and transparency in the community or corporation you lead?"

To read the other 39 Chapters of Leading Like Jesus click here to get it on Amazon Kindle OR here to get a paperback copy from YWAM Publishing.

Don't Do Miracles By Yourself

“Notice that Jesus did not do the miracle of feeding the five thousand directly Himself, but by working through His disciples. He performed the miracle, but involved others in its completion. Even though their faith was low, He still used the disciples. He trusted them to play an important role in spite of their unbelief.Jesus gave the disciples the bread. They distributed it to the people and later gathered the leftovers. Surely Jesus could have performed this miracle easily, and more dramatically, without their help. But instead, He deliberately involved the disciples in a learning experience. As they participated, their eyes were opened to see the miracle taking place.

There are some key leadership lessons at work in this story: • Leaders are more effective when they involve others. • Disciples don’t need to be mature to be involved. • Self-discovery is more powerful than teaching discovery. • Disciples learn more by doing than by watching. • There are different learning styles for different people.

Jesus didn’t just want to perform a miracle; He wanted to train His followers to believe. He was developing men of faith, not running a feeding program. He wanted His leaders to have compassion fueled by faith, so He engaged them by having them participate in the miracle. He could have done it faster by Himself. He could have done it more efficiently by Himself. But He chose to trust an important responsibility to His men. Those who are prone to perfection find it very difficult to operate by this principle. These are the people who often say, “It’s easier just to do it myself.”

If you have a very strong predilection for neatness and excellence, allowing others to be involved who don’t share your standards will be a severe test for you. The goal of good leadership is not always getting people to do things the “right” way, but instead, training them through the process. Here is a challenge for those with high standards: there are times you may have to sacrifice getting things done your way in order to encourage more people to be involved.

Jesus didn’t preach a message of “excellence,” but He did speak often about the need for more workers. Multiplication of workers for the harvest is not incompatible with high standards. But leaders create cultures, and a culture of control for the sake of excellence can be a huge hindrance to mobilizing workers for the harvest. Control can be an underlying issue if a leader is reluctant to involve others in important tasks. If you are a prisoner of your personality, you will insist on doing things your way, no matter how it affects others. Take time to do some honest assessment. Ask yourself and others who work with you: • Am I a controlling leader? • Am I proficient at involving others? • Do I get great satisfaction from seeing others learn by doing?"

To read the other 39 chapters of my new book 'Leading Like Jesus' get it from Amazon Kindle here. Or order a paperback copy from YWAM Publishing here.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross - Quote...

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”